Watch your thoughts

I am glad that I am more in touch with myself - at least that's what I claim to believe. And believing in what I tell myself is what I am going to talk about. 

For so many years, recent years, I realize just now, that I have been torturing myself by thinking all the negative things about myself. By now, after the x number of years that I have been torturing myself through the powerful negative self talk, I should be dead. 

Yes, if negative self-talk can kill, I would be dead by now. 

What are these negative self-talks? These are talks that belittle myself, that make me feel unworthy of love and respect, that I can never be somebody, that I am the worst child of my parents, that I am the only one of our siblings who is not and cannot be successful, that I can never be the right one for someone, that I am not worthy at all to be alive... 

The list goes on and on... 

I guess treating myself bad and looking at myself as if I am the worst person that ever lived has become a habit of my thoughts. And I'm sayin it again, it's killing me, my possible bright future, and a possible good life. 

Just what happened? I used to be the most optimistic person. My friends from before would tell me that and I believe it. 

I guess my painful experiences have made me believe that I can never move forward, that I will remain a pitiful sinner who never forgave herself. 

With God's grace, I learned to choose the right but even after doing so, I felt I was still being punished. I endured. And now I'm still alive. I'm alive but still so uncertain, uncertain of the future - if I would still be fooled, lied upon, manipulated, disrespected, and unloved (there goes my negative self-talk again... I can't help it. It's hard to let it go!). 

Steering myself away from thoughts that slowly kill me is what I will have to consciously and unconsciously do. I will have to watch my thoughts. I remember, we were told to watch our words, I guess they forgot to tell us to also watch our thoughts. 

How do I do this? 

1. Stay with positive people. 

2. Choose people who sincerely want your happiness and success. 

3. Just choose happy and positive self-talks. 

Good luck to me! I know I will learn more as I struggle to change how I think.