Not of this world

Today, I will remember that I am not important. That I am not of this world but that I am in this world.

to give

"I have shown you that by working hard one must help the weak, remembering the words that the Lord Jesus himself said, 'Happiness lies more in giving than in receiving.'"

I have heard this bible verse "Happiness lies more in giving than in receiving." many times already. But this time, it has a different impact on me.

Could it be that people tend to be unhappy because they expect to receive? Receive anything from material things to receiving words of encouragement, acknowledgement of one's effort, affirmation, even love.

Could it be that to be happy, one should give what she thinks she doesn't receive or what she thinks she needs or wants? How hard is that! To give words of encouragement when you yourself do not feel encourage or is not encouraged! To acknowledge someone's effort when your effort is not given attention to! To affirm someone when you yourself are thirsty of affirmation! To love when you yourself do not feel loved!

Sigh.

Something to think about, reflect on, and pray for - to give and not to receive.

solace in a strange world

Last Friday, the Gospel spoke to me: "Truly I say to you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy. ... You feel sorrowful now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice; and no one will take your joy from you. When that day comes you will not ask me anything. Truly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you."

Today, another line from the Readings struck me: "Indeed, I put no value on my life..." Paul said these words to Ephesus. I truly do not understand its essence within the context. I just don't. But it spoke to me.

You see, that's what I exactly feel - my life has no value and I put no value on my life. Like I can disappear from work and home and no one will notice. The only person who will most likely notice is my partner. I just don't seem to feel like I matter to anyone. And so, I want to go somewhere else - to a place where no one knows me and no one should really make me feel like I matter because they are strangers to me and I am a stranger to them. Here in my world now, I feel I should matter because they are not strangers to me and I am not a stranger to them; but I don't matter.

That's what I've been praying for - for my life to have value. Or maybe somewhere, even in a strange world, I would I actually matter. I have value.I can put value on my life.

Right now, I can only close my eyes and imagine life in this world where I feel I am valued, my life has a value, and that it's living with a purpose. But after a while, I open my eyes, and see my world again - where I don't seem to really exist.

So, please bring me to a world where I can really feel I exist, my life is indeed life, and happiness is the name of the air I breathe.

Where to?

Where do you start when you find yourself sliding back to the deep dark dungeon called Depression?

Feelings of worthlessness and self pity have been becoming all too close to me once again.

To  help myself, I'm reading again
my Kindle copy of "The Depression Cure".