Those days

"Remember, Yoga is about you. It's about you... youuuuuu, and youuuuuu. It's about your own breathing..... Your own position.... Your own balance." 

"Oh c'mon. Stop that, it's damn hard, okay? Can't you see me, I look awful. And awkward."

I decided to do yoga after more than a year of not attending any yoga class. You can say I forced myself. If I can only choose not to but I have to. But I can really choose not to, but I still chose to. Damn.  But whatever, I did it. I had to. With the pill's side effect of weight gain... you know what I mean.

I couldn't help but wonder while I was stretching the unwanted glucose away, how could the anti depressant pills be anti depressant when its side effect of weight gain is so depressing? 

But of course, my shrink's voice could enter into my self-talk and say, "Siguro naman pag nagexercise ka hindi ka tataba kahit umiinom ka ng gamot." 

Yeah. Whatever. As if it's that easy to just get up and exercise.

Everything is an effort. Sigh. How many times have I said that since I learned about the condition? I will be frank to say that it can be tiresome! 

I have found it dragging sometimes to wake up early and drink meds at the same time everyday (of course I haven't been religious about the time), and to stand up again before sleeping to drink another set of meds. Shit. I just want to be okay. To be okay for me means, not drinking meds. Why is it so hard to be okay? 

And during these times, when drinking meds and just getting up to exercise are too dragging that people like me need HELP. 

There are times we can do what we have to do on our own, but there are also times that oneself isn't enough. 

Gardening

It's already been two weeks since the water hose and I would spend about two hours in each other's hands every morning. The two hours of watering the plants in my Mom's garden, just letting the water soak the soil where the plant is rooted, and staring as the dry soil absorbs the water has taught me two lessons about life and relationships.

In my mom's garden, there are plants growing so beautifully while there are also those that seem dying. During the first few days of my being a gardener, I saw myself in those dying plants - those that seemed abandoned, not given proper care, and just left out there to grow on its, probably.
That's what probably happened to me before I knew about my condition. I was not literally abandoned, but I was emotionally abandoned, deprived of the care and affection and just left on my own to grow. This is also what happens to many people. Many people may be physically abandoned but we probably don't realize that in the midst of what seems to be a complete family, there are those members of the family that suffer from emotional abandonment. Emotional abandonment is for me, the absence of communication and affection. It may seem cheesy or for others they would say, "That's not a culture in our family" but communication and affection are for me, the only ways that could nurture someone so she may grow beautiful and happy.
Just like taking care of a garden by watering it everyday, making someone grow to be a beautiful and happy person would mean, communicating and showing affection everyday.

That is lesson number 1.

When I saw a dying plant, I talked to her and told her "You're gonna live, okay? You're not gonna give up. You'll be okay. I will take care of you." I chuckled after saying that. I found it a bit funny that I want this plant to live while I, would sometimes, just want to die. How could I want this plant live and I die? Ironic, eh?

Anyway, I think that's what also happens in a dying relationship. When we see that there seems no life anymore in the relationship, that's when we try to make it work, to have the life back again. We try to do everything that we can just to have everything back to what was once beautiful but it's too late. We probably don't realize that to put life in any relationship, it needs nurturing everyday. Those two people in a relationship, nurture it, not only one of them. If it's just one of the two, it's a useless effort for s/he would eventually be worn out.

That is lesson number 2.

So, you see (and I see, too), we can probably go around spending time asking people, reading books, listening to sermons, browsing through online articles about how to live or how to be in a relationship but, sometimes, what it only takes to learn these things about life and relationships, are a reflective and listening mind and heart and maybe, yes, a seemingly mundane activity such as gardening.

Happy gardening!

Bumper to Bumper Bear-y Happiness

Sometimes, to be happy means making someone happy.

Just today, my family celebrated my nephew's 1st birthday. I somehow contributed in making the birthday in line with the theme, Bears. I patiently made these chocolate cars.

I got the idea from Pinterest. Since I am a fan of local chocolates, I used Cloud 9 for the car body and Nips for the wheels. The bear cookies are not locally made though. 

While making these in the kitchen, two people from the catering service told me, "Ang tiyaga mo naman gawin yan." I just thought, cooking dishes for over a hundred people are far harder than making these chocolate cars, how could you tell me I am matiyaga when you know what you did takes more hard work than putting Nips here and there and bear cookies. But of course, any sincere affirmation makes anyone feel good. So I was kinda proud of myself although these can be done by kids.

During the party, nothing felt better than seeing kids getting these sweets and enjoying eating them.

Keepin' the high

I should have written about the books I have read days ago. But I still haven't. I've been having a laid back life here in my home province and the books I have told you that I'd write about are in Manila. My apology.

Anyway, for the past few days, I have also been avoiding writing. There's something about writing that leads me to a ruminative mode that I tend to overdo it. I have realized that for the first few weeks of summer, I have been letting my over thinking ruin my possibly happy summer days. You see, I wouldn't want to fill this blog site with so much sadness. I realized that thinking and writing too much about sadness only feed the already sad part of my brain. 

So, I'll just share what I've been consciously doing to keep that serotonin level in my brain high.

1 Managing my sleep. I've been drinking milk before I sleep and avoiding taking a nap in the afternoon  so I get to fall asleep easily during the night. Managing my sleep also means getting my body moving at least 30 minutes in a day. I bike or brisk walk in the late afternoon.

2 Getting some sunlight. Oh yes, I know many of us are avoiding the sun. I learned that the heat we get from the sun is actually an antidepressant. I don't just lie under the sun. I do gardening while I'm getting that Vitamin D from Mr. Sun! Gardening actually has a therapeutic effect. It calms my  nerves that makes me enjoy the greenery of my Mom's garden.

3 Taking fish oil and Vitamin C every night. I started doing this after learning from the book that I'm reading that fish oil has EPA and DHA (some vitamins for the brain) that are actually antidepressants!

These are just some of the things that I started doing based on the book that I read. Actually, there are other suggestions. But I don't take them all at the same time. I take baby steps. I wanna be realistic and consistent. So, that would mean taking each step slowly but surely.

When books disturb

So much in this book spoke so clearly about the battles, thoughts, questions, struggles of a depressed. Wurtzel effectively used words to describe what it is like in the mind of someone who is suffering from depression. If you would find yourself irritated, confused or downright sad while reading, know that Wurtzel intended that.

So after reading this memoir and "Healing the Wounded Emotions" by Padovani, I must confess, I am disturbed that I do not know how I can put my mind to rest.

Now, I am reading "The Depression Cure: The 6-step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs" by Stephen S. Ilardi, PhD.

Take this book home today.

I am as tired as those who are close to me are tired with my feelings of insecurities, anxiety, and meaninglessness. I have thought of many things to be instantly okay. But, I have come to accept that these emotions do not calm just like that. I have to help myself. I know time will come (or probably, time has come!) that my family and friends who know me very well will get exhausted from dealing with me. And so, I listened to myself, to the turmoil that's been broiling inside me telling me I have to deal with her.

I thought of doing two things: one is to sit in one corner of a coffee shop, write, think, reflect, and find peace in my aloneness in writing; two is to buy a book that will speak to me and tell me how I can help myself. 

I did the latter. I bought a book. A book that doesn't look appealing. But the title appealed to me. The back cover even called me and actually talked to me.

A line from the back cover shouted at me saying, "Take this book home today. Read it. Let it calm your turmoil..."

And so, look forward to sharing with you insights I will be getting from reading this "Healing Wounded Emotions" by Martin H. Padovani.

That kind of happiness

There's something about amusement parks that force people to smile.

Last Easter Sunday, my brother's family tagged me and my mom along with them in the one and only amusement park in my home province. I was up for it because I reckoned that I'd only been at home almost all the time during the Holy Week.

During our first ride in the tea cups, there was something in the turning of the cups and blowing of the wind that touches our face that force its riders to smile and feel happy.

It was a lot of fun. It gave me that ting sound in my heart and my heart couldn't help but jump for sheer happiness.

I told myself "Wow this is really a happy place!" And no wonder why a lot of parents bring their children to amusement parks. Children get amused. They become happy.

But, this happiness that amusement parks bring... it's temporary. It's to me, almost fake. It forces people to smile because of the thrill it gives.

I want the happiness that's permanent... that's real... that's eternal.

We all do.

So how do we?