Thursday, May 29, 2014

Volunteering and Depression

Volunteering to any group that serves the community is one suggestion I read that helps combat Depression. I did just that. I volunteered.

Volunteering is not new to me. It was my world back in college when I was the president of the student council. It continued until I graduated and started working at my first job. I even headed a group of volunteers that helped build communities. Helping out, reaching out, and giving my time, resources, and almost all of me was my life. Then it died. That part in me passed away.

It just died. Slowly, I guess. It died without me knowing that it already passed away. I just started feeling aloof to my fellow volunteers. Seeing or working with them was not something I got excited about when before, being with them and working for a GREATER purpose was what fueled me.

Being somehow "anti-social," I later learned, was something usual for people who are Depressed. We would tend to shy away from social gatherings. Things that you used to love doing started feeling bland and so senseless.

Anyway, God is good. I was given the opportunity to volunteer to an organization that is somehow new to me. It's an organization that advocates for providing assistance to public school teachers, principals, and other stakeholders. For a start, I, together with my friends, participated in the Brigada Eskwela - a government initiative that aims to gather Filipinos to help their local public schools by cleaning up the classrooms, painting blackboards, chairs, and tables, beautifying and getting the school prepared for the upcoming June classes of many young Filipinos.


The event reminded me of what I was before - eating at the most unideal place, and getting sweaty and dirty because of too much working building houses. I loved that feeling. I relived it during that moment when I was painting classroom chairs and eating at a not very good place to eat - somewhere stinky and hot.

It was a reality check for me. The entire event where there were public school teachers, parents, pupils, and other volunteers helping out one another to make the school somehow exciting, reminded me that there is so much in the world that has more serious problems than what I am actually experiencing. It humbled me. It grounded me. It reminded me that, outside my dark world is a world that actually reaches out for me and tells me to get out of my dark world and experience light in the midst of a reality filled with chaos, uncertainty, insecurity, and even hopelessness. And in this, find my own light and hope.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Existential question

I'm not such a fan of life. This is what I've been thinking since... I don't know. It just crossed my mind.

Oh maybe, it's because of the TV series "The Walking Dead." I've seen characters there that would just choose to give up and end their own lives. I see myself in those characters. In that TV series, everything around the living characters seems lifeless and hopeless. They would do everything and anything just to survive. It is literally, "the survival of the fittest." And not just physically fit, it's mentally and emotionally fit that is required of the living. 

That TV series reminds us of what really matters in life. All material things that people would work hard for, could just be put to waste when the inevitable happens. It also subtly tells us how our skills in this 21st century, such as farming in our gadgets, tapping things to control things (sounds funny, eh), cooking using electricity, and watching TV or listening to the radio as forms of entertainment MAY not be enough to keep us alive. 

The cave man lifestyle, which is already alien to us, seems ideal if we want to survive. There's the need to learn to farm using our body so we can have food to eat, to know how to hunt, and to produce fire using stones (maybe?), and so many things to learn so we can still be alive when a plague like that in TV series happens in our world. Or maybe it's starting to happen. I just don't know where. Maybe I am too concerned about my selfish and shallow problems to even care about more serious problems such as hunger, war, and poverty. 

My point is, when everything just seems dead, would you continue living or struggle to survive? 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Bad days

It's a fact that for anyone living, there are good days and there are, of course, bad days.

For these bad days, many can just shrug it off and continue with their lives. 

But for those Depressed, multiply by 10 the "badnesss" the "normal" people feel. That's how bad it is. This is one thing I learned from my therapist. For the Depressed, the pain the patient feels is more than what the mentally healthy people feel. I cannot even qualify the word more. Of course, it varies. But the point is, the pain for the Depressed is not the way it is for those who are mentally healthy. It's not being weak. It's not even being too sensitive. It's just the way it is. That's why there are pills that help us feel a little stronger, less sensitive, more calm.

But for days when pills are not enough and negative thoughts just overpower the happy ones and start eating the system until it's become impossible for the Depressed to function, I can say, it's important that that feeling is acknowledged.

Acknowledge the heavy feeling that does not seem easy to control. Slow down for a bit. Be not afraid to think of nothing and stare at nothingness. Listen to your body. Breathe.

When it doesn't help. And when you know you cannot help yourself, go ask a friend to accompany you to do something happy. Go somewhere serene, somewhere filled with greenery. A simple nature walk relaxes your brain. Malling or going somewhere noisy and crowded might not help for it might add stress.

Have a good cry. If you really feel like crying, cry. A good cry also includes expressing your feelings. You can talk to God or to your friend - a human or even an animal (your pet dog, aquarium fish, etc.) It's very therapeutic.

If none of these helps, go visit your therapist. 


Sunday, May 18, 2014

Blabbering

This is a blog full of random thoughts.

I hate myself now. I hate how I find it hard to re-focus my thoughts on things that matter and are within my control.

So many things now bother me.

Lying and cheating bother me. It bothers me more how people can sometimes be unaware that they are already lying. It bothers me how they do not realize the impact of their lies. It bothers me how I could not find just one man, just one man who could be totally honest and truthful with me.

My career bothers me. With the many changes that will happen because of the government initiatives in the field of education, I will also have to get my act together and adjust my career path. It bothers me how I could not seem to have all the means that can put me in the life that I am meant to live.

My own self bothers me. It bothers me that I have been imagining how wastefully fun it is to drink wine while I watch the sun come out and eventually leave. It bothers me how I could not drink wine and take my medication at the same time. It bothers me how I could not forget all these that bother me.

Tomorrow... I just wish to wake up feeling like nothing's bothering me. Tomorrow... I just wish to get out of that door and try to be a walking dead.





Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Food and Depression

Food even, plays a major role in curing the Depressed.

Here's one link that can shed light on the right food for the Depressed:

Diet for Depression

In my case, I find it hard to eat the right food. Being alone, I hardly prepare for the right diet that can help me.

Again, those who have supportive families and friends, you may share with them the list of food that you can eat so you can easily recover.

And yes, there are also foods that can worsen Depression. For the list, here's the link:

What to avoid

Monday, May 12, 2014

all pretty

The weekend that was, was all pretty. 
Feeling happy was all that I could be.




Kids' innocence and simplicity 
make everything seem easy
































Siblings love and care
tell me I could be who I desire to be


Mom's words of wisdom
invite me to stay true to who I am meant to be



Thursday, May 8, 2014

Listen to your body

It's funny how I can know when I am actually feeling stressed. It's not the typical signs like feeling irritable or getting angry easily. I know I am stressed when there's this excruciating pain at the left side of my stomach. It feels like that part of my stomach is held tightly and then squeezed.

I first learned about it last year when I was facing my older brother and his wife who had hurt me (maybe, unintentionally) before. I felt it again when I was with my whole family, having dinner, and supposedly having fun. That restaurant was in a place where I had many traumatic experiences.

When I realized that I felt that pain more often than before, then, I did a self-check. I checked when it would occur to me. That's when I found out that, it would come visit me when I am in a stressful situation.

Today, I have confirmed (for the nth time) that it's really stress-induced because of two things that happened to me. The first event was when I faced my class and saw on their faces that they could not enjoy the play they were watching because of the poor audio quality, that pain in my stomach struck me. It was a simple problem. It was a problem beyond my control but still, I felt stressed. What I did, I just talked to myself and told myself that "It's beyond your control. Relax. It's not your fault." But you see, there's another voice that would tell me, "You could have foreseen that. You could have avoided that."

Another situation today when I felt that pain was when I was conversing with a staff who was talking about the requirements to be an early childhood education teacher. The staff was very easy to talk to actually, her voice was lovely that it would make you want to talk more, and our topic wasn't a matter of life and death. The topic of our conversation just had something to do with my future. But in the midst of our telephone conversation, I felt that stomach pain again.

It's also a frequent visitor during driving. So, what I would do is, breathe in and out in the midst of that stressful situation.

This visitor, if I don't recognize it, can evolve into an outrage. Like there was one time, when I went out from the car and shouted out this motorcycle driver because he accidentally hit the right side of the car. Just a few minutes before that incident, a traffic enforcer hailed us (me and my company) because of a traffic violation. When he got my friend's license, I did not react. I was just quiet. But you see, an hour or so before that traffic violation incident, my friend kept on raising his voice and cursing other drivers on the road. He wouldn't shout at them. He would just shout it at me, his only company in the car. I told him calmly many times to stop but he did not. So what happened next? I expressed my silent anger towards that motorcycle driver who I could have faced civilly.

So, it's very important for me and those who can barely manage stress to recognize these situations that stress us out. If we don't recognize it, it comes out in a monstrous way.

This pain is actually a blessing in disguise. It serves like an "alert" signal that warns me to slow down, relax, and breathe.

Stress is one cause of Depression. Knowing what stresses the Depressed is very important. And sometimes, to know what causes it, you just have to listen to your body.















Photo Credits:

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1262332/thumbs/o-STOMACH-ACHE-facebook.jpg

http://static.squarespace.com/static/51b0af4de4b03cb960ebd366/51b0b0f8e4b0fd0e63f4a708/521e5d95e4b07ebedcb46a0d/1377730631105/listen1.jpg?format=1000w

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Scheduling to help the Depressed

Structure or a planned schedule in the day of the person suffering from Depression, according to medical studies, helps the Depressed.

The body, studies say, tends to act better when it follows a routine. When there's a routine followed, there is more balance in the chemicals (maybe) in the brain.

So, the following basic needs should be scheduled (follows a specific time for every day): sleep, meals, snacks, taking in of medicines, exercise, and maybe even, some quiet time - like praying or meditating.



I know this sounds like stifling. Even I, myself, who tried it really felt suffocated and felt like unable to enjoy the day.

Resources and outside support seem to be too little for us. So, maybe, we can only do with what we have - that is, set a specific time for these basic needs that seem too trivial but actually crucial in uplifting our mood.

Some of you are probably lucky to have company at home who can remind you about these mundane stuff. But for those who live alone, following strictly a schedule requires extra effort.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Depression in Art

On a lighter note, here's a link to the site that showed the frustrations of the depressed.

21 Comics that capture the frustrations of depression

If words cannot make you understand Depression, I hope the comics did all the talking to explain what it's like for us.

Here's my favorite



Stigmatized

This blog is already two years old. But I never had the courage to share this to my family and friends. There were times that I would attempt to put the URL site to my Instagram and Twitter accounts but after a short while, I would delete it.

The reason for not making this publicly known to my circle of friends is quite obvious. I am afraid to be (mis)judged. The stigma many people have attached for mental illnesses is something I am not ready to publicly break. I am a member of a respectable family. I am a teacher by profession. I am part of a supposedly "normal" world where only "normal" people are accepted. And to be part of this judgmental world where eccentric actuations such as getting angry in the public, being anxious when surrounded by people, getting obsessive-compulsive about something trivial, or feeling extremely sad for no reason are considered as MADNESS, it is difficult to move your way around and tell everyone, "Stop judging! You don't know and will probably never know how it would feel to be in their situation!" Because when you do just that, you may be called as also mad. Sad, right?

What's even more sad is when you can only start understanding them when a member of your family or your loved one is a victim of such a mental illness that led to suicide. Take this story for an example:

CNN Article: I was an accomplice to my brother's suicide

In the article, mental illness was something the sister took seriously only when her brother was already gone.

It's probably an insane dream where the world just seems more accepting and less judgmental of mental illnesses.

But still, I look forward to that day, when I can write a book about my own fight against depression and not be afraid of being judged by my own family and loved ones.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Depression and Career

Lately, I have become more open to sharing my story of my illness to some colleagues and friends who I think are open-minded and understanding. There's one common question I got from my different circles of friends, "Good thing your job did not get affected." The thing is, it did affect my job. Big time.

When I started taking my medicines, I did not know what to expect for the side effects. My former doctor did not really warn me. Good thing my mom is a pharmacist and she researched on the medicine. There were many listed side effects. But which of those would affect me, we did not know yet.

Yawning was one funny side effect of the medicine. I would yawn at the unlikely time of the day. I would yawn when I was not really feeling sleepy. I would yawn, yawn, and yawn. Yawn at the average of 10 times in one hour. It was so unusual that I felt my facial muscles really feeling stretched out. It had the kind of muscle pain that anyone would feel after some stretching. 

The worse effect came out in my teaching. There were many times I'd pause in the middle of a lecture because I'd suddenly feel dazed - like my mind is going to hibernate. I would stutter and get really lost for words and even ideas because my mind would slow down, and eventually freeze. Those times, I thought it was just me. There was just something wrong about me. But in retrospect and now that my body has adjusted to the medicine, I learned that it was all because of the medicine.

Right now, I would still have those side effects. But my body and mind seemed to have adjusted already. I learned the best time to take the medicine so it wouldn't have its bad effects during my teaching. I learned to listen to my body and give what my body says. If my body would feel really sleepy, I'll give her sleep. If I feel like I could not really drive, then I wouldn't drive.

The illness should not be taken lightly when choosing or managing a career. 

nature therapy


Days just got lonelier. Tears incessantly flowed from my eyes as I struggled to explain myself to a friend that "I am just not feeling okay," that my med side effect had one of its worst hit on me that I could not see and think clearly, that I can barely move.

The next day, when I opened my eyes, I resolved to make plans for myself - one of which is to make myself happy. I decided to go the local park I have been long wanted to go to. Alone. I was alone. It would seem or look sad to be alone but I prepped myself to be okay to be alone. I knew that to be alone means moving according to my own pace, without someone telling me to move faster and go home immediately. More importantly, doing things alone just to make myself happy means I am learning to not depend my happiness on anyone - not my family, not my boyfriend. I enjoyed the nature tripping. I walked along the pavements, enjoyed the sight of the luscious trees, and simply felt, alive and okay.




Most of the park visitors were the common people - families, friends, and lovers. But what I admired most were the families who brought their kids and let them play under the sun and enjoy the nature. I enjoyed watching them and eavesdropping their conversations. As I continued walking around the park (there was no map so I just followed where my footsteps would take me), I saw the sanctuaries for eagles! It was unusual for me to see those birds.

Philippine Hawk Eagle

White-bellied sea eagle


Philippine Serpent-eating Eagle

















The park was actually simple and not really popular. But I am grateful that it is still there and open to the public. For only Php8.00 for the entrance fee and Php15.00 for the parking, it is definitely a good escape for those who need breathing space, solitude, and life.