Suffering in Silence

So I am not really in the mood to write. But I will still write.

I will write about how acting like you're not ill helps.

My mother told me this once before. She told me to act, think, and speak like I am okay. Well, those are not her exact words. But I fathom that that is what she meant.

At that time, I did not take it well. But now, I think, it is making sense.

Yes I am diagnosed with clinical depression. But nobody has to suffer because I am suffering from this. If I am not feeling good, no one needs to know and be affected. Of course, seeking help will surely help. But it is NOT ALL the time that we should seek help. There are moments that I am sure, we can pretty well handle our moods and feelings.

I think, in a way, this kind of attitude towards our illness is somehow being a Christian, a follower of Jesus. It is suffering in silence. And maybe, offering that silent suffering to cure someone else, to save those souls that need to be saved will make our illness make sense, serve a purpose. 

a pat on my back

It only took me to switch on my bedside lamp that sets the mood for me to sleep for me to realize that I deserve a pat on my shoulder for trying very hard to take good care of myself.

The bedside lamp with yellow light sorts of put my brain onto sleep mode. And sleep is very important for me, to have a really good mood upon waking up.

I looked around me and saw my aquarium that is a house for my six angel fish. Their living presence makes me feel I am not totally alone. I am not the only living in my room.

Then there's the sign mounted on my wall that says, "Courage." This one word that also serves a decor for my room always reminds me to continue fighting and choosing life.

That part of my self that pushes my mind and body to continue training for my 5K run also deserves acknowledgment. I am on my 2nd week of training. I do it with the help of an app, #nikeplus.

I may not have the full support of my family and loved ones in this battle, but I have me. I think that should be enough. My family doesn't believe in my condition. My special someone doesn't believe in therapies. I know I cannot control what they think about what I am going through. But why should I focus on making them one with my battle when I know it's a hopeless case? I think my doctor cousin who tries hard to understand me, listen to me and support me in my medication and therapies should be enough for me to remain strong. And most of all, though I do not feel Him that much these past few months, I know I have Him and He will never abandon me.