Signs needed

I just need some signs, Lord... Some signs to make me feel that my struggle to keep on doing what's right and being good the way I know how is ALL worth it. 

I chose You my dear Lord. I chose what is right. But I'm still hurting. 

Oh why do some people have to be so untrue and to be so unfair? 

What it takes to treat Depression

Colored my room with happy colors. Decorated it with bright colors. Was given the treadmill. Now, taking care some fish and a dog.

These are some of my ways to combat depression. Happy bright colors help uplifting the mood. Treadmill , of course, assists in exercising. Fish in an aquarium and a dog are known to be good helpers to de-stress.

But none of these now help me.

 The treadmill has just been a display since my ankle and knee injury. Stress is just way too much. Not one in my family knows that I might be having a relapse (I fear they might just shrug it off). One person knows but he is probably too happy in his life that he doesn't seem to know the impact of this on me and on our relationship. My cousin does not know because I fear she would worry. Now, I am left on my own. 

Tomorrow, I will officially start owning my fight against depression. I will not depend on anyone except my doctors and therapist, of course (glad there are people like them who still understand). I will do what it takes and what I can so I would not relapse. Depression in itself is just causing too much on me physically, emotionally and mentally. But the cost of treating it is even worse! 

No to relapse because treating Depression is just too costly!

So, I gotta bounce back to fighting this... Alone. As always. 

Relapse

Relapse also happens for the clinically depressed.

Read this.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/top-relapse-triggers-for-depression-how-to-prevent-them/00016565

Not am I only struggling now to feel again. I am also struggling to dream again. I admit, I have lost belief in the power of dreams, goals, desires ... whatever name you have for that thing that makes you want to live.

Nada

Sometimes, I think that I am losing my capacity to feel. I mean, authentic feelings - anger, hurt, joy, or excitement. Nothing now seems to make me feel so angry, or so hurt, or so happy, or so excited. I just feel that there is nothing anymore that makes me feel. Well, the fact that I said, "I feel..." is probably an indication that there is still a tiny part in me that actually is capable of feeling.

Sometimes, I tend to blame my medications for this feeling of not feeling. Sometimes I think that my anti-depressant pills have made me numb. Numb enough not to feel anything towards any cheesy moments in TV shows or mushy episodes in movies. You know those scenes that make viewers say, "Awwww..."? I in my own world, would wonder, what's so romantic about that? It's just so bland to me. 

Every morning when I wake up, I would abhor to death the thoughts of how I would have to do the same things over and over again - it makes me puke, just thinking how I would have to drink the same cup of Chillz flavored coffee just to keep me awake, how I would have to deal with the stress of driving along Katipunan Avenue or Espana, and how I would have to fake smiles to my colleagues and students. 

There are some days I would intend to change my routine. I would go somewhere else - anywhere that is not part of my daily route. I would eat something else - anything just as long as it doesn't taste familiar to me. But after those attempts, I would still go back to my routine. And again, feel, lifeless. 

Oh, crap. What is this? 

how do I make myself a-okay

The past two months of not writing and not updating my site about my struggles would probably lead me to think that everything is a-okay. Well, it's partly correct. Things around me seem a-okay. Now, how have things turned out to be this just fine?

1. Mind has just been too filled with many to-do's and to-be's - check papers, prepare for classes, smile, be happy, and be okay for the sake of my family, loved ones and yes, my students.

Being busy helps! Also, just thinking about how others sorta depend on you can push you to be strong.

2. Colleagues who join my carpool keep my head busy from listening to their endless stories - this keeps my mind off from over thinking which happens all the time when I'm alone driving.

Surround yourself with happy and positive people! 

3. When things in my relationship with my partner just become too irritating, I just tell myself that "This problem is so nonsense in the greater scheme of things. Just choose to understand and love."

Self-talking helps when it's actually inspired from some readings from the bible. 

4. Treating myself to visits to salons for my hair or nails can instantly turn sadness to happiness (for looking so good!).

Money can do the talking when things just don't seem okay. Yes, money can be the root of happiness... at least for a temporary time.