Helping those who help

I think I know that living with someone who is depressed can be depressing.

I think that kind of situation takes a lot of energy and effort too, for those family and friends whose loved one is diagnosed to be depressed.

And I use, "I think" because I'm not really sure. I am just attempting to put myself into their shoes.

Well, this is also an attempt to enlighten you how you can help someone depressed. At the end of it all, I suggest too that you as someone who is living with someone depressed should remember to take care of your emotions as well, your thoughts, and your own over-all mental wellness. The happiness you bring is as contagious as the loneliness that the depressed brings. So, be sure to take care of your own mental health as well.

1 Know that it takes time. To be free from depression doesn't happen overnight or in a snap of a finger. You can't just tell her to be well fast. Sad to say but it doesn't happen that way. Since depression is the effect of not just one event but, a string of emotionally draining happenings coupled with poor social support and many different factors such as a toxic relationship or death of a loved one, it also takes an army to cure depression. So, I don't think you can't just tell the person to snap out of it or to be well fast. It might sound helpful, but realistically speaking, it may just put more pressure on the patient.

2 Communication or expression is one way of fighting depression. It may sound absurdly simple but it is so true. That's why there's talk therapy. Studies say that depression is actually "anger turned inwards". It is anger unexpressed. So true, at least for me. So how can you help? Let the patient speak her thoughts without you giving any judgment. If you think that her way of thinking is illogical, thus making her more sad or just plain wrong, then it is a challenge for you to make her change the way she thinks.

One time, I was blabbering my thoughts to my mom, telling her how excited I am about this book I found that gives suggestions on curing depression just by making some lifestyle changes. I was driving and my eyes on the road but I could sense her discomfort about the topic. She was quiet and not reacting at all to my excitement. I frankly told her, "You're not comfortable about the topic, noh?" And she replied, "Can't you just think that you're normal. That you don't have depression. Act normal."

She probably meant well but that totally shut me off. I shivered. I was flustered. I thought "Oh okay, I can't talk to my own mom." I was self-talking, wanting to tell her that she should be happy that I'm doing something to help myself. But no, me finding out more about curing depression, doesn't, for her, help. As she said, I should act normal. For many weeks after that, I stopped talking to her about how I feel. I was extremely sad that I couldn't talk to my own mother.

I can understand her. There's no mom in her sanity would want for her child to be unwell mentally. But I just hope that people will understand that this condition is just like any other illnesses that need the mom's attention (or better yet, the family and loved ones' attention). Anyway, this is probably a battle I have to fight on my own (and some of my family and loved ones, too).

The story goes on. I have been following the book's suggestions, and I tell you, it's been helping me. More on that book later on.

3 Help the patient create happy memories. Most probably, that person depressed has had a many traumatic events in her life. Instead of making it harder for her by blaming her, be the one person who can help forgive herself. She has probably committed unthinkable mistakes or for you, unforgivable and so damn wrong. You will never know the hell she had gone through (or she's still probably going through) just to help herself get out from the situation, so, it's not going to help if you make it more hell-ish for her. Pity those people who think highly of themselves, saying or thinking they will never do wrong and be wrong. One day, one time, they will find themselves humbled by life.

If you find yourself tired or exhausted from doing all these, it's perfectly normal. I hope you won't blame the patient though. Remember, if you stick to her or decide to be with her still, that's your own choice. Just don't forget to take care of yourself, too.