The child's way

Something good will come out today. I know. Or better, something good will come out from all my sacrifices, struggles, and resolution to choose what's right. 

At last something positive after a long while of being so down! 

That, I thought after my 3 year old nephew wrapped his small arm around me when he felt scared because of the story I was reading to him. We were sitting side by side, reading a children's story entitled "Si Ching na takot sa dilim" when suddenly he put his right arm around my tummy. He looked seriously scared. Oh how it felt good! How it felt good to have someone make you feel like you can make him feel secure, like everything will be okay because you are there with him. 

I'm blogging this so I will forever remember this moment that a child made me feel I'm needed, I'm wanted, I'm enough. 

the wisdom in forced

I was browsing through the blog of this woman I have been admiring for her class and natural happy personality when I thought that, while, most women or ladies would be blogging about their latest finds, travels, escapades, fashion finds, etc... I am blogging about how I'm getting through with my condition. Blogging about one's struggle to keep her sanity, her happiness, and her journey to find her home is not such a welcome topic. I am assuming that, naturally, people would prefer to read articles with positive tone. My blog is not entirely positive... it's more of a mix of all possible human emotions. In this blog, I am showing how some people are naturally predisposed or "wired" to be happy... that for some, happiness is an effort.

Speaking of effort, today, I had to do a lot of mental talk to convince myself to get up, take a bath, get out of the house, play with my nephew, drive for parents, read a good novel, eat healthy, and show that little smile to people I used to see often in my former work.

I was successful. It sounds a small feat, but, I consider it a big victory already.

The most difficult part in winning today's battle is showing my smile and acknowledge familiar faces I used to work with. My smile was such a forced smile. I mean, if I could just pretend that I didn't see them, I would. Why? I'm afraid that they would sense the change in me - I used to be jolly, happy, cheerful but now, I can't even give them a happy smile. And I'm afraid that they will think I'm not becoming a happy, gracious woman... instead, I'm becoming a wrathful woman. Oh, why am I so concerned about what they think about me?

I really don't know how to end today's blog. I hope someone can do it for me.

not so good day.

It's no good today.

I slept during my hypnotic exercise.
I slept for more than 2 hours in the morning.
I slept for another 2 hours in the afternoon.

I started arranging my vanity stuff but didn't finish.

But the good thing is I started my detox diet.

It's kind of weakening that I don't get to eat what I like to eat - sweet, salty, and all that fattening.

But I still got to start it. I hope to continue with it.

Maybe when I am slim enough, people will start to look at me and take me seriously, like I have something to offer to the world, like I have worth, like I can be worth loving.

And just now, tears just started to pour for reasons I still don't know.

Day 3 of consciously helping myself

For the past three days, I have been working hard on helping myself. What have I done?

Day 1: I deleted all my social networking sites that trigger my anxiety.
Day 2: I started this hypnotic exercise using a phone app.
Day 3: Today! I started exercising by using the treadmill.

Also today, I started looking for a detox diet that will help me feel good.

Why am I doing this?

For the nth time, I realize I got only myself to rely on to cope with the difficulties of handling my emotions, stressors, pressure, and other things.

I acknowledge that people around me try very hard to do what they can -

My family allows me to relax here in my province.

My partner tries to make me feel secure by calling me often - before work, during breaks, after work, before going to sleep.

But they are the same people that can harm me. Big time.

My family's culture of "not talking" or "communicating" emotions or thoughts makes it hard for me to open up and trust them.

My partner's connection with his past, the fact that I haven't really been introduced to his closest friends, and his tendency to lie make me anxious!

When they fall short, I get hurt ... big time hurt. You see, they are the only people that I have now.

I have lost a lot of friends since I closed my world because of the shame and uncertainty I was feeling because of my mental illness. I suddenly disconnected myself to people - many people. Even if I knew that there are some of them who would understand me.

My family and my partner are the only people that make me feel alive. Without any one of them or when the relationship turns ugly, I die... I feel like slowly dying.

I will have to learn living my life for myself ... because there's so much to look forward to even without them. They are God's gifts. They are God's. They can also be taken away from me. So, I cannot depend my happiness and my existence on them.

I will have to find a reason for my existence... with or without them.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Mental health first

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter which hurt my mental health. It hurt me before. So I deleted each one. When I got better, I activated them - only to realize now, that it can still hurt me.

There's always this one person that made me so uneasy and nervous whenever I would open my FB or IG or Twitter. It's because whenever I open any of those, I always discover something that could potentially damage our relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that. But it does. It always gives me reasons to doubt him. It always gives me reasons to doubt that I could still be happy and so secure in a relationship. 

So now, I deleted all. I can focus on things and people that truly care about my happiness and security. 

For anyone with D, it is very very very important for you to choose the person you have a relationship with. You should choose those that are sincere about helping you achieve happiness, a secure and doubt-free relationship. If the partner you have always makes you uneasy about his choices (befriending his exes, not introducing you to his friends, and so many more), shouts at you in public, has uncontrollable anger, disrespects older people, and any thing at all that brings out the worst in you... Move out from the relationship fast. He's no good for you. He will potentially make your condition worse. If he doesn't understand your condition no matter how many times you have tried to make him understand, it is not your fault. Just move out from the relationship. 

Waiting for Home

I have been blogging since it became so popular 10 years ago or so. But I would delete it after sometime. I just did not like (I still do!) how I keep things from the past that only remind me of how horrible I was or maybe how painful something was.

But this blog, I have had this since 2012. Since 2012, I have been believing that I am coming home. What is home for me?

Home is where peace is. Home is where true happiness lasts. Home is where right is. Home is where my God is. Home is where Jesus is. Home is where contentment is. Home is having the right one for me, the man He wants for me. Home is having children with this man. Home is living our lives all for His greater glory. Home is living our lives to make other people's lives better. Home is making Him happy.

But until now, I haven't found home. I have long been convincing myself that I am coming home and that I deserve it.

I would always tell myself, "after all that I have done for Him, after all that I have chosen for Him, after all the pain I endured for Him... I deserve to be Home with Him."

I even have my theme song. The theme song of my life's struggle...


"I'm coming home" by Skylar Grey

However, until now, I'm still in great despair finding Home. Maybe I should change the blog name from sheiscominghome to sheisfindinghome.

I was a lost sheep before. I was living my life not knowing I was a lost sheep.

Now, that He has found me... and that I found Him... that I chose Him... that He chooses me...my heart is still restless.

How come, home seems nowhere to be found? I am in despair. Everyday, I'm waiting for Home.