It is one (or two or three) of those days.

The past few weeks had been filled with too much glee from my recent academic accomplishment that I found myself too happy that I actually socialized with friends and colleagues. You would even find me with my head held up high. Suddenly, I felt I was back with the old happy lady me! But at the back of my mind, I was also wondering until when this happy disposition would last. 

Then the day I was hoping not to ever arrive, came. 

I just suddenly felt so low that I withdrew from happily communicating with my friend. He even thought I was mad at him. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. So I did what I would usually do during these times, lie on my bed and cover myself with my blanket. I just stayed there hoping I would fall asleep. But my mind was too hyperactive to even try sleeping. That moment, I felt so desperate. I badly wanted that feeling of so down to go away. I wanted to hide in my closet. But my friend told me not to and he just gave me a reassuring hug. 

The next morning, it was still like that. I was too down to stand up from my bed and start my day right by moving fast so I could prepare for what I had to do. That feeling of so low was so strong that I could n't seem to control it and just snap out of it. I couldn't help it, I hid in my closet. I felt oddly better. In that quick moment (for it was getting too hot) I was there, I felt secure. I felt I was being hugged by this non-living thing. But that feeling of security quickly vanished. Oh Lord, please help me snap out of this ugly feeling. I thought of going to a park and just walk around there alone. I had to keep my mind off from horrid thoughts. Before I could even leave for a walk to the park, I found myself pushing my feet to go out and find some strange company in the nearest mall.

I had lunch while eavesdropping to some Chinese dudes talking about I don't know what. Eavesdropping even if I didn't understand totally entertained me even for a while. After that satisfying lunch, I knew I wasn't still feeling absolutely out from that ugly feeling I was trying to shoo away. The bookstore in the mall, as always, uplifted my mood. The sight of notebooks and pens has always given me such a happy weird feeling. 

In all these things I did, I forget to do one thing: to consciously do something that I know would make me feel better. 

Oh man. I do recognize that this is just probably of those times in anyone's life. But how come I couldn't seem to EASILY snap out of this? How come it would seem so easy for others to just be okay (even if not totally happy)?

Oh I forget, I haven't been conscientiously taking my pills. I need them. I need them now. But I hope and pray I would not need them forever. 

(And as I take my pills, how come I have to take these just to help myself? How come happiness has become so financially costly?)