Cleaning Therapy

I acknowledge that I need help. I know too that I cannot just bug people around me and tell them I need help. And when they found out that my need is company - they might just laugh it off.

Some needs just cannot be met.

So, today, I did one thing to help me shake off this disturbing chaos in my head.

This one thing that has always been therapeutic for me is cleaning! I love removing the dust off from surfaces, wiping them with my favorite Pledge, sweeping the floor with my broom whose strands shake like it's being tickled (Seriously, I smiled when I saw that while I was sweeping), and finally, mopping the floor with my Tornado 360 mop! This mop just made our lives so much easier - not to mention, cleaning so fun!

Now, that I am done with cleaning my little room - I will have to face again reality - that bugging disturbing chaos in my head. But at least now, I am facing it feeling a little lighter thanks to my cleaning therapy!

Signs

For anyone who is deeply concerned with someone who is depressed, you should know that there's no small feat for someone who's struggling with D. So, when your friend, family or loved one still tries VERY hard to do any of these things no matter how difficult it is for them - acknowledge it, affirm it, and make him/her feel good for doing it.

Those who are struggling with D will most likely experience one or two of the many possible symptoms:

• Difficulty in sleeping
• Difficulty in waking up
• Losing the energy to do small things - eating, standing up, bathing, changing clothes, doing proper hygiene
• Losing focus - studying or working
• Not wanting to go to school or work
• Avoiding people
• Avoiding crowds
• Smoking when he/she is not really a smoker
• And many more - check this website 
• http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

Those above are based only on my experience so please do more research if you are serious about helping your loved one cope with depression.

Nobody knows when.

So I have not been okay.

Since I have not been okay, I am back here - blogging. Blogging seems to be my only constant company during my loneliness. It never leaves me no matter how many times I would leave and go on with my life.

Just like any episode of depression, I would have to figure out the root of all these demons.

It started maybe in February of this year. I came back to my dorm without my roommate's stuff - she left. She decided to stay at her own place despite the distance from her work. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to having someone to talk to at the end of the day anymore since I would be alone.

Then, my long-term relationship started to shake when my partner told me he still couldn't see himself settling down anytime soon. We nearly broke up. But we didn't.

That unsettled issue, naturally, haunted us again. When we had to deal with our differences, he just confirmed what he said weeks before - that he's not ready, that he has just started finding what's really for him, and that he couldn't see himself in what I pictured to be our future. Writing what we talked about seems more real and thus, more painful. Hearing from him all these things was both relieving and enraging. It was relieving because at least I know now where I stand (something I have long wondered). It was enraging because now that everything seems okay with him, it seems he can just let me go. But now, that I don't seem to have anything stable, I'm being left by myself. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to anything with him anymore. He doesn't want to make any plans.

While he was saying all that, I was imagining all those men who gave up their personal desires or dreams to be with that one person they love - I remember my brothers, I remember my friends' husbands, I remember those men, few men apparently... Giving up their personal goals didn't mean they didn't get to achieve those anymore. It just meant they weren't alone anymore in achieving their goals. I know. I know because I saw how my brothers seemed better men because of their wives and their children. All these men I know, one common thing they all shared, I noticed - they had nothing. My brother was dependent on my parents for the wedding expenses. Another brother was even broke while he was organizing the wedding. He said, he and my sister-in-law started with a debt. But look at them now, they are more than well-off. Two of my friends' husbands were jobless when they got married. They said, they just wanted to be together - forever. Now, that's love.

I was imagining I would end up with that kind of man as well... someone who would stand up for me, someone who would believe in our partnership - that together we can accomplish all that we dream of.

Now, one foot is still in my relationship but one foot is already out - wanting to be free. I know I don't deserve to be with a man who couldn't commit himself to me - someone who would just make me wait until nobody knows when.

So, these what make me not okay... not okay, until when?

Nobody knows when.

Simpler

I remember vaguely how life seemed simpler in the late 20th century until the early 21st century.

One phone. One camera shared by the family.  One personal computer also shared by the family.

These small gadgets' batteries or power also last for almost 48 hours. If you did not charge for a day, the phone would survive for another day (assuming you use it more for texting and not calling). Now, the batteries don't last for 24 hours that "power banks" have been introduced. This power bank is cube like or even a rectangle in shape that one can carry in her bag as a reserve when the phones' battery die. The phones are just connected to this which does not need any electric plug (assuming the power bank is fully charged). Really, how much more power do we need?

This reality simply echoes this famous saying that when we have more, we tend to need and want more. When we have a lot of gadgets, we also need more battery chargers, more power, and more of I don't know what else.

I myself, am guilty of this. I have three phones (2 smart phones and 1 super basic phone), one iPad, one laptop, and an e-book reader. Of course, all these need batteries.

In the beginning, I felt okay with it. But then I started feeling confused which gadget I need for a specific day or which phone number I should be giving to a new acquaintance. I started feeling uncomfortable which also stressed me out. Now, I don't know what to do with my three phones. The iPad, the laptop, and e-book readers are totally helpful for my profession - education. I use the iPad for my PowerPoint Presentation aided lectures; while the laptop is for grade computation, book writing, lecture presentation preparation; and the e-book reader I use during my long travels or long breaks.

Though there has been a proliferation of choices, living a simpler life is still possible. It takes a reflective thinker to realize what s/he only needs to survive and thrive. One cannot be easily swayed by what media dictates to be needed and wanted. One needs time to pause, think, and reflect. We can't just "go, go, go!" If we do not, we get confused. We get overwhelmed. We do not get to do anything important at all.

I am trying very hard to do this. Since, I have more time to think and reflect, I am now trying to simplify my life. I am using just one phone (and wishing I could just sell my other two phones). And before I am tempted to buy anything at all, I reflect if I can really live without it. There are thousand ways to simplify one's life. And I am excited to learn more about these ways.

Simple Living

One thing anyone close to me probably knows is that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

I mean, I am not the kind of woman who buys and loves receiving luxurious items such as branded bags, shoes, and clothes. Ask me about the brand name or the collection name, more so, the price - I would not know! I do not even care to know! 

I remember one time when my really, exceptionally rich aunt toured me, my mom, and my uncles in her classy house located in one of the posh villages in Makati and we reached her air-conditioned room full of bags and shoes, she was telling me the brand and its name. She was telling me as if I know everything what she was talking about. But I really do not know! I just keep nodding my head as if I completely understood her. By the way, she was not bragging when she was doing all that. She is actually one of the very few who is rich and also humble. She was probably doing that because we saw her rise from rags to riches. We were there for her and her family when they were not so well-off. And now that they belong to the high society, she does not forget to go back to her roots and reach out to those who have always been there for her.

Anyway, as I was saying, it only takes so little to make me happy. I am not saying that you should think of me as a candidate to be a saint. Maybe, all I am saying is that, (aside from the fact that my entirety is not wired to adore luxurious items and more so a luxurious lifestyle), any person, I can confidently say is wired to live a really simple life. Put a human being into a forest with enough fruit-bearing trees and source of water, she can survive. After all, humanity started that way - so little and yet so enough to survive and even thrive!

I am saying all these after a recent and sort of a major change in my life happened - I moved into a dorm closer to work. 

As I was moving out from my studio-like apartment, I could not help but feel overwhelmed with the so many things I put in there - coffee table, treadmill, bookshelf, washing machine, microwave, electric stove, oven toaster, huge mirrors, and so many more.

It took me more than three times of transporting all these from there to my home in the province. 

And since I already completed the transfer of all my things, I now would have to face putting each in order at my parents’ house. 

Then, I realized - it only takes so little to live! I kept telling myself as I was trying very hard to put everything in order, “I do not need all of these!” or “Why do I have this? I already have a lot of this!”

I started thinking how many of my things can be potentially put into waste after some time. And then, it started making sense to me - what my father told me when I was in high school (or maybe college or maybe when I started working or maybe all those moments! Hehehe). He said something like, “the joy of simple living.” Of course, the self-centered kid that I was, pretended I was listening and just shook it off. Little did I know that, it actually stuck into me!

My dad, though he comes from a rich family, is one of the simplest guys I know. He is not at all the senorito type (well, a bit. hehehe.). I mean, like me, he is happy with simple things. He is happier when he is in his backyard, planting vegetables, fruits, and decorative plants. I could say this because he does this everyday! When he is out of the house or has to go out of the house, he worries for his pigs! He worries that no one will feed his pigs even if there’s a house help who can do the feeding. Oh, I should not forget - he is most likely the happiest, when he can fix broken things or when we, his family, ask him to fix this, fix that. How I adore the simplicity of my dad! By fixing broken things, we are already saving money and of course our dear Mother Earth. Not only does he fix broken things, he likes inventing stuff from whatever things he can find at home. He would use the bottle of Coke to plant something, or the plastic container of a dishwashing gel as an “ice tray” or the electric fan stand as a bike holder (or whatever you call that thing that holds the bike when you are trying to fix it).

Maybe, by not saying many times to me the joy of simple living and just by showing it to me, my Dad was already teaching it to me. And now, I am starting to imbibe it as if it has always been my nature. But God knows, no! I used to buy a lot of unnecessary things. Of course, what did I know about the fact that when you buy a lot, you also consume a lot of earth’s resources which could have been used for a better and longer lasting purpose. I was just this self-centered person who only cared about my needs and wants.

Now, this thing about “eco lifestyle” that I have heard before but did not understand is starting to make more sense to me! Eco lifestyle could also mean living simply - having less and using only what is needed. Eco lifestyle could mean a lot of things to many different people. But for me, it means living simply and desiring less. After all, living simply and desiring less are what we only need to live happily. 

Writing and Pain

For the past three months, I have been avoiding writing here. I felt that I was too happy or too calm that I would not be able to write something sensible or something worth reading.

The truth is, in August of last year, I relapsed. I had to return to a more intensive medication. Stress from work and a major adjustment in my personal relationship with someone very special triggered my depression.

The events that took place after the relapse are now vague to me. All I remember is that people close to me made an effort to make me feel heard, attended to, and given time. You see, before that, I felt I was an invisible person who they think is unshakeable and just oh so strong.

Why did I have to express my desire to die before these people noticed that something was terribly wrong with me?

I do not wish to know the answer.

Anyway, right now, I am feeling cool and calm. Except for my really terrible cough and sore throat, everything seems a-okay.

I sometimes attribute this calmness to my prescribed medicines that of course, fight anxiety and depression. Aside from that, I am starting to think and feel that, there's really nothing that I can control in this world except for my feelings. I can control my anger, my disappointment, and any negative feeling. Of course, that's not possible through my powers alone. I know that somewhere around me or in me, there's someone that teaches me how to accept things that I do not have control over.

As I said, everything seems a-okay except for this really terrible cough and sore throat.  Actually, it is these physical sufferings that prompted me to write again here.

I am in too much physical pain right now that it is this sickness when I got to say "I want to die than suffer this much." Yes, the suffering is too much that sometimes I can't bear it.

Oh, these are all random ramblings. You know what they say about some writers who write best when they are in pain? I think I am one of those writers.

I am not saying though that this writing is one of my best. It's just that I can easily express myself when I am in too much pain.

What it takes

"Silent steady strength" This is my take away from the mass held at the college chapel.