Nobody knows when.

So I have not been okay.

Since I have not been okay, I am back here - blogging. Blogging seems to be my only constant company during my loneliness. It never leaves me no matter how many times I would leave and go on with my life.

Just like any episode of depression, I would have to figure out the root of all these demons.

It started maybe in February of this year. I came back to my dorm without my roommate's stuff - she left. She decided to stay at her own place despite the distance from her work. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to having someone to talk to at the end of the day anymore since I would be alone.

Then, my long-term relationship started to shake when my partner told me he still couldn't see himself settling down anytime soon. We nearly broke up. But we didn't.

That unsettled issue, naturally, haunted us again. When we had to deal with our differences, he just confirmed what he said weeks before - that he's not ready, that he has just started finding what's really for him, and that he couldn't see himself in what I pictured to be our future. Writing what we talked about seems more real and thus, more painful. Hearing from him all these things was both relieving and enraging. It was relieving because at least I know now where I stand (something I have long wondered). It was enraging because now that everything seems okay with him, it seems he can just let me go. But now, that I don't seem to have anything stable, I'm being left by myself. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to anything with him anymore. He doesn't want to make any plans.

While he was saying all that, I was imagining all those men who gave up their personal desires or dreams to be with that one person they love - I remember my brothers, I remember my friends' husbands, I remember those men, few men apparently... Giving up their personal goals didn't mean they didn't get to achieve those anymore. It just meant they weren't alone anymore in achieving their goals. I know. I know because I saw how my brothers seemed better men because of their wives and their children. All these men I know, one common thing they all shared, I noticed - they had nothing. My brother was dependent on my parents for the wedding expenses. Another brother was even broke while he was organizing the wedding. He said, he and my sister-in-law started with a debt. But look at them now, they are more than well-off. Two of my friends' husbands were jobless when they got married. They said, they just wanted to be together - forever. Now, that's love.

I was imagining I would end up with that kind of man as well... someone who would stand up for me, someone who would believe in our partnership - that together we can accomplish all that we dream of.

Now, one foot is still in my relationship but one foot is already out - wanting to be free. I know I don't deserve to be with a man who couldn't commit himself to me - someone who would just make me wait until nobody knows when.

So, these what make me not okay... not okay, until when?

Nobody knows when.