Writing and Pain

For the past three months, I have been avoiding writing here. I felt that I was too happy or too calm that I would not be able to write something sensible or something worth reading.

The truth is, in August of last year, I relapsed. I had to return to a more intensive medication. Stress from work and a major adjustment in my personal relationship with someone very special triggered my depression.

The events that took place after the relapse are now vague to me. All I remember is that people close to me made an effort to make me feel heard, attended to, and given time. You see, before that, I felt I was an invisible person who they think is unshakeable and just oh so strong.

Why did I have to express my desire to die before these people noticed that something was terribly wrong with me?

I do not wish to know the answer.

Anyway, right now, I am feeling cool and calm. Except for my really terrible cough and sore throat, everything seems a-okay.

I sometimes attribute this calmness to my prescribed medicines that of course, fight anxiety and depression. Aside from that, I am starting to think and feel that, there's really nothing that I can control in this world except for my feelings. I can control my anger, my disappointment, and any negative feeling. Of course, that's not possible through my powers alone. I know that somewhere around me or in me, there's someone that teaches me how to accept things that I do not have control over.

As I said, everything seems a-okay except for this really terrible cough and sore throat.  Actually, it is these physical sufferings that prompted me to write again here.

I am in too much physical pain right now that it is this sickness when I got to say "I want to die than suffer this much." Yes, the suffering is too much that sometimes I can't bear it.

Oh, these are all random ramblings. You know what they say about some writers who write best when they are in pain? I think I am one of those writers.

I am not saying though that this writing is one of my best. It's just that I can easily express myself when I am in too much pain.