Earlier today, my family and I started celebrating my birthday. With my silent excitement to see and be with my cute pamangkins, I made an effort to buy them cute little things that they might appreciate. 

When I gave them their presents, my nephew said, "I hate this!" Then his little sister who received a really cute bracelet with her name on it, imitated her Kuya and also said, "I hate this!" 

My heart shattered when I heard them say that. But I comforted myself, whispering to my sensitive and really sensitive self, "It's okay. They're just kids. They're just 5 and 3 years old." My sister-in-law's face looked uncomfortable. She probably didn't know how to address that situation. 

I could have chosen to sulk in my disappointment that could eventually turn to anger. But again, a voice inside me told me to choose to understand and still reach out even if you have been caused pain. 

So, I still played with my pamangkins. 

Later on, after the dinner, my nephew held my boyfriend's hand and then, he reached for my hand as well that leaves him on our middle. Then, he started kissing my hand as well as my boyfriend's hand. He would do that continuously until we reached the coffee shop.

Some divine intervention probably made him do that but surely, it did help me quickly forget my disappointment. 

That ouchy reaction after I gave them their little presents could have hardened my heart. But with some push on my part to reach out, that "I hate this!" moment turned to him saying, "Hey everybody, let's sing Happy Birthday for Tita!" followed with what he calls a family hug... then we hugged, just the way he wanted it. 

They called my health condition as birthday jitters.

I was throwing up non stop last night and it was really horrible. Not to exaggerate it but I did feel like just wanting to die because of the difficulty to endure the pain. I just psyched myself up saying in my head that my physical pain was nothing compared to those suffering from a more serious illness. 

Now, that I am feeling a bit better, I am at awe. This feeling of awe probably comes from my admiration at how our body can easily heal given the proper care and medication. We just need to seek help. 

"Tired of being a fighter... " Beam me up by P!nk

Hope in the midst of despair

It's more than a week now since the worst typhoon ever recorded hit the Philippines, my home country. Since then, news on TV and radio are filled with stories of despair, hope, blaming, heroism, all sorts of human experiences. For many of the families whose loved ones were taken away by this typhoon, I know I would not be able to get into the depth of their pain from losing a loved one. On top of that pain of loss, are the feelings of frustration, desperation, helplessness - trying to get by everyday with little and maybe even nothing at all to eat.

Pictures of the situation are depressing. People endure long lines just to get packs of food, water, clothes for a temporary relief. With such reality, I couldn't help but feel inspired by these survivors who do all they can to continue on living.

While, many suffer from mental illness wanting to end their lives, here we see thousands of survivors wanting to continue living despite their losses. Those who struggle to live, wanting to end their lives and seeing no hope in whatever situation they are in, can get inspiration from these Filipino survivors of the typhoon Haiyan.

Photo credit: telegraph.co.uk

Trying to change the rhythm of my life

Running for my mental and physical health

Listening to His words for my spiritual health

Closer

Every trying time, joyful time .... Actually any time is an opportunity for us to lead our lives closer to Him.

 This is one lesson I got from my silent retreat.

Times were hard and deeply painful for me but I didn't see them as opportunities to make me stronger and more faithful to Him. Instead, I planted anger and even watered it with insecurity, self-pity, and unfaithfulness. That eventually grew into a destructive behavior - always doubting my capacity to forgive and always building walls around me to block myself from having authentic relationships - those that are both loving and hurting. 

I only wanted loving relationships - those that are not causing hurt. But later I found out, it is not a real relationship if it does not experience pain. Love in relationships means being able to endure pain and to forgive. 

That is what I just did. With His grace, I am able to choose to love and to forgive despite the pain - the pain that helps me come closer to Him.... closer to Home. 

Vacation with Him

Five days of silence ... easy. So I thought.

I was wrong. It's more especially difficult when everything seems a-okay.

My first two silent retreats were both three days. Those times, God knows, how much I needed to retreat.

But this time around, it wasn't at first, what would seem something I really really need. Despite that, I still had myself commit to it, even "leveled up" - from three days to five days. I thought, three days is no challenge.

So to retreat began.

The first two days, I had doubts, questions, and even serious thoughts of just leaving on the third day for I could no longer endure the silence and what seems to be "nothing" that's happening. I was, in a way, boastful thinking that I already knew what God would tell me. I thought, "What's new, my Lord? Here we go again."

I felt at that moment, nothing was gonna happen anyway. Retreat is just something I compelled myself to do because, hey, I started with it for two consecutive years and how I liked it... why not continue it? Also, I thought, this is just part of the circle of life that I go through then I do again what's supposed to be done after the retreat - that is, to live again... to struggle living again.

On the first night, I remember myself, literally going around the stone path circling the mini garden in the middle of the big garden. As I was going around it, I told the Lord, "this is my life, Lord... just going in circles. Not going anywhere." I didn't force myself to do that, it just felt so natural for me to do that on the first night when the silence had to begin.

Then I started feeling at home.

The lush greenery of the garden fresh from the evening rain welcomed me on the third day. Everything around me seemed so at peace. Birds twittering could literally be heard. The sound of the waterfalls surrounding the labyrinth was a music to my ears. I even saw a bird, taking a bath from the mini pond where the water falls.
The rabbit which I met last year, was freely moving around the garden.

That moment when I stepped out of my room, I knew I had a piece of heaven. That is home.

It was then, that moment when I felt most relaxed that He started talking to me - not in spoken words but in simple ordinary scenes that I would almost always take for granted - the fresh morning air, sound of water falls, the sight of a bird taking a bath, and the rabbit freely moving.

From that moment on, He never stopped talking to me. And I try very hard to keep listening.

And now that I am out of the Retreat House, all the more that I will have to try my best to keep listening.