Last Friday, the Gospel spoke to me: "Truly I say to you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy. ... You feel sorrowful now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice; and no one will take your joy from you. When that day comes you will not ask me anything. Truly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you."
Today, another line from the Readings struck me: "Indeed, I put no value on my life..." Paul said these words to Ephesus. I truly do not understand its essence within the context. I just don't. But it spoke to me.
You see, that's what I exactly feel - my life has no value and I put no value on my life. Like I can disappear from work and home and no one will notice. The only person who will most likely notice is my partner. I just don't seem to feel like I matter to anyone. And so, I want to go somewhere else - to a place where no one knows me and no one should really make me feel like I matter because they are strangers to me and I am a stranger to them. Here in my world now, I feel I should matter because they are not strangers to me and I am not a stranger to them; but I don't matter.
That's what I've been praying for - for my life to have value. Or maybe somewhere, even in a strange world, I would I actually matter. I have value.I can put value on my life.
Right now, I can only close my eyes and imagine life in this world where I feel I am valued, my life has a value, and that it's living with a purpose. But after a while, I open my eyes, and see my world again - where I don't seem to really exist.
So, please bring me to a world where I can really feel I exist, my life is indeed life, and happiness is the name of the air I breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment