Not am I only struggling now to feel again. I am also struggling to dream again. I admit, I have lost belief in the power of dreams, goals, desires ... whatever name you have for that thing that makes you want to live.

Nada

Sometimes, I think that I am losing my capacity to feel. I mean, authentic feelings - anger, hurt, joy, or excitement. Nothing now seems to make me feel so angry, or so hurt, or so happy, or so excited. I just feel that there is nothing anymore that makes me feel. Well, the fact that I said, "I feel..." is probably an indication that there is still a tiny part in me that actually is capable of feeling.

Sometimes, I tend to blame my medications for this feeling of not feeling. Sometimes I think that my anti-depressant pills have made me numb. Numb enough not to feel anything towards any cheesy moments in TV shows or mushy episodes in movies. You know those scenes that make viewers say, "Awwww..."? I in my own world, would wonder, what's so romantic about that? It's just so bland to me. 

Every morning when I wake up, I would abhor to death the thoughts of how I would have to do the same things over and over again - it makes me puke, just thinking how I would have to drink the same cup of Chillz flavored coffee just to keep me awake, how I would have to deal with the stress of driving along Katipunan Avenue or Espana, and how I would have to fake smiles to my colleagues and students. 

There are some days I would intend to change my routine. I would go somewhere else - anywhere that is not part of my daily route. I would eat something else - anything just as long as it doesn't taste familiar to me. But after those attempts, I would still go back to my routine. And again, feel, lifeless. 

Oh, crap. What is this? 

how do I make myself a-okay

The past two months of not writing and not updating my site about my struggles would probably lead me to think that everything is a-okay. Well, it's partly correct. Things around me seem a-okay. Now, how have things turned out to be this just fine?

1. Mind has just been too filled with many to-do's and to-be's - check papers, prepare for classes, smile, be happy, and be okay for the sake of my family, loved ones and yes, my students.

Being busy helps! Also, just thinking about how others sorta depend on you can push you to be strong.

2. Colleagues who join my carpool keep my head busy from listening to their endless stories - this keeps my mind off from over thinking which happens all the time when I'm alone driving.

Surround yourself with happy and positive people! 

3. When things in my relationship with my partner just become too irritating, I just tell myself that "This problem is so nonsense in the greater scheme of things. Just choose to understand and love."

Self-talking helps when it's actually inspired from some readings from the bible. 

4. Treating myself to visits to salons for my hair or nails can instantly turn sadness to happiness (for looking so good!).

Money can do the talking when things just don't seem okay. Yes, money can be the root of happiness... at least for a temporary time.

Happiness has always been a conscious effort.

Remember what makes you happy. 

Depression at TED

TED talks, a site that features various topics worth sharing through talks by different people, had Andrew Solomon speak about Depression.

Those who suffer from depression can easily relate to him. But more than that, he gives a different perspective on how one can deal with her own condition. 

While those who are not suffering from it can still learn a thing or two on how a depressed can be like. 

Click on the link below. 

http://youtu.be/-eBUcBfkVCo

Some push

Just some push from heavenly bodies from the ground - this was how I imagined the world conniving to help me go beyond my immovable limits during my first 5K run at the 37th Milo Marathon, Mall of Asia grounds.

Since, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I felt like everything that I used to love doing suddenly felt senseless and so difficult to do.

In teaching, which is my profession, I would, with my trembling hands and unsure and dazed head, look for my creativity, passion, and commitment which I was reputed for in my first teaching job. This difficulty, which was so hard to explain at that time this was happening to me, led to lack of (and even absence) of performance in my profession. 

Running also became alien to me. The activity I would do when I felt like wanting to clear all the chaos in my mind, had become an activity I would run away from. 

But this morning, with some push from some unseen and heavenly energy, I managed to get up at 4am to prepare myself for the 5K run. The world did connive even with my family and boyfriend who were there to provide for all I needed just to get myself back up from a world full of uncertainty and insecurity. It might have just been a simple and ordinary 5K run. But for me, it meant more than that. 

To me, it meant that I can go back to what I have always loved doing. I may be starting again, but, it's okay as long as I don't stop .... I probably lost my way (or maybe not), but it's all part of it, I guess .... Getting lost to find a path leading me to where I am destined to be. 

That kind of weekend

The weekend would seem orindary but reflecting about it again, it's the kind of weekend that I actually enjoyed.

I spent it with people that make me feel happy. I spent it with my family. I helped my mom decorate her Christmas tree and even got to run-walk with my brother and his wife at this not so popular running place in my home province (but hey, I felt the fresh air!)

These simple activities lowered my stress level. Oh also, I got to stick on the family car the sticker that speaks well of my belief which is "Simple is better."

My weekend ended with a healthy Viatnemese lunch with my boyfriend and his family, the Holy Eucharist and the usual warm conversation with my cousin.

Thank God I am alive.