Happiness has always been a conscious effort.

Remember what makes you happy. 

Depression at TED

TED talks, a site that features various topics worth sharing through talks by different people, had Andrew Solomon speak about Depression.

Those who suffer from depression can easily relate to him. But more than that, he gives a different perspective on how one can deal with her own condition. 

While those who are not suffering from it can still learn a thing or two on how a depressed can be like. 

Click on the link below. 

http://youtu.be/-eBUcBfkVCo

Some push

Just some push from heavenly bodies from the ground - this was how I imagined the world conniving to help me go beyond my immovable limits during my first 5K run at the 37th Milo Marathon, Mall of Asia grounds.

Since, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I felt like everything that I used to love doing suddenly felt senseless and so difficult to do.

In teaching, which is my profession, I would, with my trembling hands and unsure and dazed head, look for my creativity, passion, and commitment which I was reputed for in my first teaching job. This difficulty, which was so hard to explain at that time this was happening to me, led to lack of (and even absence) of performance in my profession. 

Running also became alien to me. The activity I would do when I felt like wanting to clear all the chaos in my mind, had become an activity I would run away from. 

But this morning, with some push from some unseen and heavenly energy, I managed to get up at 4am to prepare myself for the 5K run. The world did connive even with my family and boyfriend who were there to provide for all I needed just to get myself back up from a world full of uncertainty and insecurity. It might have just been a simple and ordinary 5K run. But for me, it meant more than that. 

To me, it meant that I can go back to what I have always loved doing. I may be starting again, but, it's okay as long as I don't stop .... I probably lost my way (or maybe not), but it's all part of it, I guess .... Getting lost to find a path leading me to where I am destined to be. 

That kind of weekend

The weekend would seem orindary but reflecting about it again, it's the kind of weekend that I actually enjoyed.

I spent it with people that make me feel happy. I spent it with my family. I helped my mom decorate her Christmas tree and even got to run-walk with my brother and his wife at this not so popular running place in my home province (but hey, I felt the fresh air!)

These simple activities lowered my stress level. Oh also, I got to stick on the family car the sticker that speaks well of my belief which is "Simple is better."

My weekend ended with a healthy Viatnemese lunch with my boyfriend and his family, the Holy Eucharist and the usual warm conversation with my cousin.

Thank God I am alive. 

Earlier today, my family and I started celebrating my birthday. With my silent excitement to see and be with my cute pamangkins, I made an effort to buy them cute little things that they might appreciate. 

When I gave them their presents, my nephew said, "I hate this!" Then his little sister who received a really cute bracelet with her name on it, imitated her Kuya and also said, "I hate this!" 

My heart shattered when I heard them say that. But I comforted myself, whispering to my sensitive and really sensitive self, "It's okay. They're just kids. They're just 5 and 3 years old." My sister-in-law's face looked uncomfortable. She probably didn't know how to address that situation. 

I could have chosen to sulk in my disappointment that could eventually turn to anger. But again, a voice inside me told me to choose to understand and still reach out even if you have been caused pain. 

So, I still played with my pamangkins. 

Later on, after the dinner, my nephew held my boyfriend's hand and then, he reached for my hand as well that leaves him on our middle. Then, he started kissing my hand as well as my boyfriend's hand. He would do that continuously until we reached the coffee shop.

Some divine intervention probably made him do that but surely, it did help me quickly forget my disappointment. 

That ouchy reaction after I gave them their little presents could have hardened my heart. But with some push on my part to reach out, that "I hate this!" moment turned to him saying, "Hey everybody, let's sing Happy Birthday for Tita!" followed with what he calls a family hug... then we hugged, just the way he wanted it. 

They called my health condition as birthday jitters.

I was throwing up non stop last night and it was really horrible. Not to exaggerate it but I did feel like just wanting to die because of the difficulty to endure the pain. I just psyched myself up saying in my head that my physical pain was nothing compared to those suffering from a more serious illness. 

Now, that I am feeling a bit better, I am at awe. This feeling of awe probably comes from my admiration at how our body can easily heal given the proper care and medication. We just need to seek help. 

"Tired of being a fighter... " Beam me up by P!nk

Hope in the midst of despair

It's more than a week now since the worst typhoon ever recorded hit the Philippines, my home country. Since then, news on TV and radio are filled with stories of despair, hope, blaming, heroism, all sorts of human experiences. For many of the families whose loved ones were taken away by this typhoon, I know I would not be able to get into the depth of their pain from losing a loved one. On top of that pain of loss, are the feelings of frustration, desperation, helplessness - trying to get by everyday with little and maybe even nothing at all to eat.

Pictures of the situation are depressing. People endure long lines just to get packs of food, water, clothes for a temporary relief. With such reality, I couldn't help but feel inspired by these survivors who do all they can to continue on living.

While, many suffer from mental illness wanting to end their lives, here we see thousands of survivors wanting to continue living despite their losses. Those who struggle to live, wanting to end their lives and seeing no hope in whatever situation they are in, can get inspiration from these Filipino survivors of the typhoon Haiyan.

Photo credit: telegraph.co.uk

Trying to change the rhythm of my life

Running for my mental and physical health

Listening to His words for my spiritual health

Closer

Every trying time, joyful time .... Actually any time is an opportunity for us to lead our lives closer to Him.

 This is one lesson I got from my silent retreat.

Times were hard and deeply painful for me but I didn't see them as opportunities to make me stronger and more faithful to Him. Instead, I planted anger and even watered it with insecurity, self-pity, and unfaithfulness. That eventually grew into a destructive behavior - always doubting my capacity to forgive and always building walls around me to block myself from having authentic relationships - those that are both loving and hurting. 

I only wanted loving relationships - those that are not causing hurt. But later I found out, it is not a real relationship if it does not experience pain. Love in relationships means being able to endure pain and to forgive. 

That is what I just did. With His grace, I am able to choose to love and to forgive despite the pain - the pain that helps me come closer to Him.... closer to Home. 

Vacation with Him

Five days of silence ... easy. So I thought.

I was wrong. It's more especially difficult when everything seems a-okay.

My first two silent retreats were both three days. Those times, God knows, how much I needed to retreat.

But this time around, it wasn't at first, what would seem something I really really need. Despite that, I still had myself commit to it, even "leveled up" - from three days to five days. I thought, three days is no challenge.

So to retreat began.

The first two days, I had doubts, questions, and even serious thoughts of just leaving on the third day for I could no longer endure the silence and what seems to be "nothing" that's happening. I was, in a way, boastful thinking that I already knew what God would tell me. I thought, "What's new, my Lord? Here we go again."

I felt at that moment, nothing was gonna happen anyway. Retreat is just something I compelled myself to do because, hey, I started with it for two consecutive years and how I liked it... why not continue it? Also, I thought, this is just part of the circle of life that I go through then I do again what's supposed to be done after the retreat - that is, to live again... to struggle living again.

On the first night, I remember myself, literally going around the stone path circling the mini garden in the middle of the big garden. As I was going around it, I told the Lord, "this is my life, Lord... just going in circles. Not going anywhere." I didn't force myself to do that, it just felt so natural for me to do that on the first night when the silence had to begin.

Then I started feeling at home.

The lush greenery of the garden fresh from the evening rain welcomed me on the third day. Everything around me seemed so at peace. Birds twittering could literally be heard. The sound of the waterfalls surrounding the labyrinth was a music to my ears. I even saw a bird, taking a bath from the mini pond where the water falls.
The rabbit which I met last year, was freely moving around the garden.

That moment when I stepped out of my room, I knew I had a piece of heaven. That is home.

It was then, that moment when I felt most relaxed that He started talking to me - not in spoken words but in simple ordinary scenes that I would almost always take for granted - the fresh morning air, sound of water falls, the sight of a bird taking a bath, and the rabbit freely moving.

From that moment on, He never stopped talking to me. And I try very hard to keep listening.

And now that I am out of the Retreat House, all the more that I will have to try my best to keep listening.

5 days for my soul

The first semester for many college students has just ended, and so has my too much thinking.

Time zoomed so fast that the next thing I noticed were the Christmas decorations on display for sale.

Anyway, for this very short semestral break, I allotted myself time for a 5-day Silent Retreat.



The unnecessary stress that our everyday life is causing, everyone deserves to just get a break and retreat from all of the noise.

Silent retreats give us time to let go of everything we are used to having everyday. We let go of our phones, access to social networking sites, human interactions, and even our usual selves.

These silent moments give us more time to get in touch with ourselves and with our God. More importantly, these moments remind us what really matters in life... forgiveness, peace of mind, love, patience, and eternal happiness.

In Philippines, there are many retreat houses located in Tagaytay and Baguio. But one doesn't have to go too far if you are in living in Metro Manila. In Quezon City, I highly recommend the Cenacle Sisters Retreat Center in Varsity Hills, Quezon City.

Here's their website:

http://www.cenaclephilsing.org/

Untitled

I'm thinking there will never be a day that people can truly understand mental health issues.

Some people can simply claim they do understand it but they can never really truly grasp the depth of the roots of its problems. Why am I saying this? Maybe I just, until now, feel so alone in this battle (if it is indeed a battle). Why do I say this? I want and need someone who you can tell how it's like sometimes to feel so dazed or so numb because of, probably, the medicines. Or that someone who truly feels how it's like to feel so down. 

You know those people like in the movie "Silver linings Playbook"? The man there, Pat, was suffering from Bipolar Disorder, a mental illness. During the process of his recovery, he met Tiffany who was recovering from Depression, also a mental illness. Together they helped each other get better until they both learn to cope with their personal mental health issues. 

 So for now, what do I do? I just probably try to get better on my own. And I mean, really on my own. So help me God. My hope's still up though -  hope that that time will come when I no longer feel alone and when I feel that at last, I'm surrounded with people who truly understand. 

illusion or reality

It can get scary for me as well, sometimes.

Only lately, there have been several naps and deep night sleeps when I would, in my half conscious self, hear and see things happen ... that upon waking up, I knew for sure that it did happen while I was sleeping.

During the first time it did happen, I told my friend that the umbrella that we thought he lost, was actually not lost, and that I found it in one of my many bags. When I looked for the umbrella in my bag, it wasn't there. I thought for awhile what could have had happened. Then I realized, it was just probably in my dream.

This incident followed with a few other incidents that before I would actually tell the people around me what happened or what I thought was happening, I would hold my tongue and think hard first if it was for real or just part of a dream.

I do not know if this is an effect of my medication or not. But I need to know why these things happen.

in and out

She was never open to talking about it. She knew she was living in a reality where her illness was a vague reality. She would keep it. She would try to hide it... her struggles, that is. Her illness, she was starting to open up to a very few open minded, non judgmental people.

She was trying to be okay. Her brother told her that she should be okay. Their parents should be living a worry-free retirement. She just could not be not okay.

But there would be days she would be okay. Then, suddenly, those days would just seem to be overshadowed by lonely, sad, dark days. She wanted to know why she would just be that... That down, in a dungeon, her arms wrapped around her curled legs, head bowed, not wanting to see any light. She wanted that. She needed that. But she was fighting it, she could not stay for long in that dungeon. She was a light for many hopeful and spirited minds. She just could not be the darkness for those who depend on her to be their light.

Everything seemed too much for her. She could not be not okay. She just had to be okay. But then, for her to be okay, she had to lose her life ... So she could live again. So she could try living again.

Scream

Sometimes I want to scream. Scream for help. Help that is trivial for others, but, a matter of life or death for me. Life that can keep my blood warm. Death that can keep me company in my cold breath. That scream.... That scream.

Sometimes I want to say I am not okay. That line that might suddenly make them deaf. That line that could permanently shun the life out of me. That line.... That line.

I am busy. You are okay. It is all in your head. We all go through that. You are okay.

Yeah. I hear them say that. I gotta say it to myself, too. I am okay. It's all in my head. Everyone goes through this. I am okay.

Why does being so alive so difficult? They take their cups of coffee and they are awake. I take my cups of coffee and I am still sleepy. They take all the stress, manage it and they can go on. I take all the stress, mismanage it and I cannot go on.

Life moves forward. I am stuck. Unmoving. Still sleeping.

For now...

As much as I want to spread only good and hopeful vibes here in this blog, I must also be true to myself and to you my readers that there are just really quite long and not so good and happy days (which explains why I haven't written for quite a time already).

Sure, I can find reasons to be thankful in every split second of my life but there are just those days that I would still force myself to be normally okay for my family's sake, my career's sake, for everybody else's sake...

So for now, that I am in a dazed frozen stage of my struggle to win this battle over D, I can only acknowledge and respect this part of the process.

Everyday in a life of the depressed

One thing about D is that you cannot pretend not to have it when you have it.

Everyday is like a war waged against D. You prepare your army. You train your weapons. You win. Oftentimes, you lose. It's not very easy to train everyday for this. It's always a conscious effort to fight and be better, as what I always say.

Being happy doesn't come so easily. You have to pull it closer to you. And when you have it, you gotta keep it close to you and embrace it while it lasts.

You can always appear cool and calm outside, but inside, there's always that struggle to show all's okay when there's that powerful force pulling you back to a state of desperation, hopelessness, and depression. It seems so easy to be in that state. It seems like you're made for that. It seems like it's home. It's that kind of home that ruins, destroys, and crashes you into pieces.

Pre- anniversary special

In less than a week, I will be celebrating the first year anniversary of the marriage of my body and this pill called Fluoxetine.

I remember the date so well. I remember how July 17, 2012 was written casually on a piece of a prescription paper that doctors use. I remember how the doctor just seemed so calm about her prescription of an anti-depressant to a woman who I had known as someone strong and happy. I remember so well how I wished she would have second or third thoughts on prescribing medicines to me. I remember so well how I wanted her to ask more questions just to make sure she is prescribing the right thing to me. I remember how I shivered and felt utter disbelief on what she told me, it's Clinical Depression.

It's almost a year. It's almost a year that I have been dependent on these pills. It's almost a year of dreaming living my life without these, to feel I can be happy without the help of any pills. It's almost a year of hoping that my family would finally have peace of mind, confident that their daughter, sister, and aunt can get on with her life "normally".

It'll be the first year anniversary. And I'm not looking forward to more years.

Thankfully busy

The last week of June provided me a vague picture of what it will be like for me for the next four months. B-u-s-y. Busy as a bee. Last time I was working, it was only 12 hours contact time with my students a week. This time around, I would have 30 hours of facing my students.

I am both thankful and humbled that I am given this much trust to help form the minds of our young Filipinos.

With this much responsibility and pressure ( "to be fun", as how most of my students put it in their expectations), I feel that I gotta have extra consciousness to take care of myself. So how do I do this? (Well, I haven't really come up with strict rules to live by) . But these are the ones I have been consciously doing:

1. Eat on time. Eat healthy. This one I'm struggling with since I got no cook and I am no cook. And given the sked I have, it doesn't allow me to cook my food.
2. Take regularly fish oil and vitamins every night. Taking these medicines has remarkably made me more energetic and stable. It is weird how I feel so positively different when I am taking these that I started thinking that I have become so dependent on them.
3. Take the other pills at the same time everyday. I do not know what's with the timing of taking meds but it's been doing me good. How? I am not very sure. But I think my body has started to imbibe a system when meds are taken, when I am awake, and when I am sleepy. And that kind of system, the body seems to like it!

These are just really simple ways I do, but I know that these are far from truly living a healthy lifestyle.

Just breathe.

I was rushing to my car after my 3-hour non stop thinking, facilitating, and teaching (minus the run-walks from one building to another) when I realized I hadn't been consciously breathing in and breathing out. I felt that all I was doing was taking in all the demands and needs of the situation that I was in.

As I reached my car and about to open the door, I remembered to breathe.

When I took a breath, I was still in a rush to do it! I told myself, "oh what the city life does to me!"

It was only the second week of classes but I already felt as if I had been working for months already.

As if that's not enough, the heavy traffic, really bad air pollution, reckless drivers, and hotheaded motorists would welcome me on the streets of Metro Manila. I asked myself, "Is this really life?"

I know that there's more to life than this. I know my life isn't designed to just live as if I am a robot programmed to do this, do that. I am a human being. There's something that tells me that in the midst of all these human "doings" I am called to be a human being.

My therapist was saying something when my mind flew somewhere else and felt awe that God has made people like my therapist to "waste" their time and energy just to help those who can't seem to handle their emotions.

In this day and age, many people in my country still find counseling and visits to psychiatrist as something extreme - like you must be mad or you must be too weak that you can't handle yourself.

Even in my own circle, I cannot just open up to them about these things for they seem still sensitive about this issue.

But whatever and however people and society view this reality, I am thankful and really amazed that there are people who are blessed to help those who can't help themselves, helping them become productive and reach their maximum potential.

There are foundations and websites that have also made me feel less alone. They have been generous with kind and encouraging words that remind me to continue choosing happiness and choosing life.

Check out their websites:

ngf-hope.org
Antonosmena.mapuafamily.com

It is one (or two or three) of those days.

The past few weeks had been filled with too much glee from my recent academic accomplishment that I found myself too happy that I actually socialized with friends and colleagues. You would even find me with my head held up high. Suddenly, I felt I was back with the old happy lady me! But at the back of my mind, I was also wondering until when this happy disposition would last. 

Then the day I was hoping not to ever arrive, came. 

I just suddenly felt so low that I withdrew from happily communicating with my friend. He even thought I was mad at him. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. So I did what I would usually do during these times, lie on my bed and cover myself with my blanket. I just stayed there hoping I would fall asleep. But my mind was too hyperactive to even try sleeping. That moment, I felt so desperate. I badly wanted that feeling of so down to go away. I wanted to hide in my closet. But my friend told me not to and he just gave me a reassuring hug. 

The next morning, it was still like that. I was too down to stand up from my bed and start my day right by moving fast so I could prepare for what I had to do. That feeling of so low was so strong that I could n't seem to control it and just snap out of it. I couldn't help it, I hid in my closet. I felt oddly better. In that quick moment (for it was getting too hot) I was there, I felt secure. I felt I was being hugged by this non-living thing. But that feeling of security quickly vanished. Oh Lord, please help me snap out of this ugly feeling. I thought of going to a park and just walk around there alone. I had to keep my mind off from horrid thoughts. Before I could even leave for a walk to the park, I found myself pushing my feet to go out and find some strange company in the nearest mall.

I had lunch while eavesdropping to some Chinese dudes talking about I don't know what. Eavesdropping even if I didn't understand totally entertained me even for a while. After that satisfying lunch, I knew I wasn't still feeling absolutely out from that ugly feeling I was trying to shoo away. The bookstore in the mall, as always, uplifted my mood. The sight of notebooks and pens has always given me such a happy weird feeling. 

In all these things I did, I forget to do one thing: to consciously do something that I know would make me feel better. 

Oh man. I do recognize that this is just probably of those times in anyone's life. But how come I couldn't seem to EASILY snap out of this? How come it would seem so easy for others to just be okay (even if not totally happy)?

Oh I forget, I haven't been conscientiously taking my pills. I need them. I need them now. But I hope and pray I would not need them forever. 

(And as I take my pills, how come I have to take these just to help myself? How come happiness has become so financially costly?)

do you hear them speak?

It is just but any ordinary opening of classes. New faces. Old faces. Familiar emotions of  excitement, anxiety, hope, and even despair.

But one thing has spoken to me today - that soul present in each and every one of us yearning for something to happen. That something only our soul knows.

Over lunch, I heard it speak through the voices of different women.

I heard it speak when a new mother was saying how much she wanted her baby boy to be healthy even if it would cost her so much.

I heard it speak through a mom wishing her son would find a job in a foreign country and get back with his ex-girlfriend.

I heard it speak through a mother of a 13-year old high school boy and a 7-year old boy diagnosed with ADD wishing she would not get pregnant any time soon.

I heard it speak through a young woman in her late 20's hoping her man, who's of her age, would ask her to marry very soon.

They are all women. Women of different ages but with the same yearning - that yearning for some good thing to happen.

But isn't it something we all silently shout everyday? It's that same yearning that chooses no gender, age, race, or culture.

I heard my soul speak. I can't hear it. Oh I know, I hear it... it's yearning to be heard.

To Friends Lost and Found

There's one thing that D has tested. Friendship.

I lost a friend who upon learning about my D, laughed and shrugged it off.

But I found friends who, in my worst and best moments, stayed.

Sound of Nature

There's one good thing that I've recently discovered to keep my nerves calm in the midst of the rat race in the City - the Sound of Nature from the album Spa Moods.

Here's the link to one of the sounds found in the album.

I play it before I sleep or while I'm having my long relaxing bath. I play it whenever I feel my facial muscles forming new layers of wrinkles. I play it whenever I feel my brain warming up to get ready to explode.

I'm sharing this to you so you can also find yourselves calmed in the middle of what seems to be a chaos in the city.

Press Stress

Summer is almost over. And classes are about to start. When classes start, I am quite sure that I'd be very busy that I might even forget to consciously enjoy breathing.

Being busy is something I both love and hate. I love it because it keeps my mind working, only thinking of what would seem productive and important to keep me breathing and living in this day and age. I detest it because the busy-ness sometimes puts my mind away from what truly lasts - love and time for family. 

This school year will be different in the sense that I know now that before everything starts, I should be well-equipped in terms of preparation, class meetings, consultations, committee works, etc. If I don't, stress would be my constant companion who can bring along depression with her.

Stress is something I must always consciously combat. If I don't, it could be the start of another difficult battle against self-pity, anger, and eventually depression (which I'll call D from now on). You see now I realize that I love myself so much that I won't let myself suffer again the effects of D (I can't believe I just said I love myself! Oh, this is something to celebrate) . Before when something exciting begins, I would just plunge in without really making sure that I got everything I need.

For anyone who suffers from D or who wants to avoid D, knowing your stressors is very important. It's like the old saying from The Art of War by Sun Tzu, "Know your enemy." Know everything about what causes your stress - it could be work-related, family, lover, money. So you can deal with them, take control of them before they control you.

Now, let me go back to dealing with my possible stressors - lessons, students, expectations, evaluations,  ... where do I begin? Oh... list what I can do now before the school year starts and do what I can do now. So help me God. 

That word

How do you forgive? When can you say you've totally forgiven? Is there a deadline for someone  to feel ready in forgiving? Is forgiving achieved only by saying, "I forgive you"? Does it end there? How do you know you've completely forgiven someone or something?

This topic on Forgiveness is something I have been avoiding. But this topic doesn't stop from whispering on my ears telling me I gotta write about Forgiveness.

Let me go back to the time when I first became serious about reflecting on what Forgiveness is.

One nun told me that for me to move on, I must learn to forgive myself. So she began our retreat with the topic on Forgiveness. Forgiving oneself, to be exact.

"But why do I forgive myself?" This was exactly my thought when she was trying to facilitate my retreat.

Now, I forget. Maybe it didn't have that much impact on me.

During a silent retreat, I encountered this word again. What did I think about it? I forget, too. I even had to go back to old journals and retrieve what I used to think about it. Now, here is what I found in one of my entries:

"I forgive myself. What was me could never be undone, removed from what makes me. "

There's one thing I realize now as I write about Forgiveness. It is a decision. It is not based on some flimsy feeling that one only does when she feels like it. Forgiveness doesn't happen only in confessions and in retreats.

Forgiveness is something that one must choose everyday just to move on. Forgiveness is a choice one must do every minute or every moment she is reminded of the pain.

That forgiving heart must remain strong when she is reminded that she is someone unworthy of forgiveness and when she is made to feel only worthy to be an object of scorn.

How do you forgive? You just decide on it.
When do you forgive? You decide on it.
Is there a deadline? You decide.
Is forgiving achieved only by saying, "I forgive you"? No.
Does it end there? No.
How do you know you've completely forgiven someone or something? I don't think there's that term "completely forgiven" or "partially forgiven". In its most real meaning, there's only "Forgiven." 

And to say "I forgive you" I mean, "I decide to forgive you everyday, every moment I feel the pain."

Unloading

Have you had that moment you felt so desperate that you even consult horoscopes to "guide" you in dealing with something so difficult? Or maybe you bought all the magazines that contain articles that might help you? Or that moment when you just wish that when you wake up all's well but when you woke up, all is still not well?

I realize now, that sometimes, all it takes to help yourself get out from a difficult situation is to look into yourself. There are several things that I gave up, to help myself. I don't know how I came to that point but I thank God that I reached that point. These are some of the things or activities I gave up that have been helping me which might also help you to jumpstart a stress-free life:

1. Facebook (FB). This social networking site, I realize, though it seems good for everyone but this is not actually for everyone. In my case, FB became a source of pressure for me to do better than others. It would also trigger a high level of stress to me knowing how this site has become a tool for infidelity and betrayal.
2. Horoscopes. I used to subscribe to daily horoscopes. It was odd how for many times, the horoscope would seem to speak truth. Reading horoscopes became so addicting for me that I depended on it whenever I'd find it difficult to deal with someone or something. Later on, I realized that sometimes, what it takes to overcome a difficulty is a listening heart, silence, and openness to change.
3. High expectations. Writing about high expectations takes more time for me to start. Maybe, this is one thing that I'm still struggling with. Almost two years now when I had too much expectations from a relationship which resulted in repeated disappointments, rejections and silent anger that pushed me to my limits. This completed the already brewing depression in my system. Now, I've learned to manage expectations. I'm still learning though. 

Giving all these up might not be easy. For others, they may not even realize these can be stressors for them. The key here is to look into oneself, know oneself and discover which of the many things that we do or that we have that should be unloaded for a lighter and happier life.

how to be depressed

Over the week that has just passed, I think I just brewed a perfect mixture to make me prone to depression.

Here's the list on how to be prone to depression:

• 3-4 hours of sleep everyday (or better yet, erratic sleeping)
• 2 days to none at all of physical exercise
• 4-5 cups of coffee everyday 
• 2-3 bags of chips
• 0 intake of fish oil (that has EPA and DHA which are anti-depressants)
• different time sked for meals
• different time sked for pill intake
• unbalanced meal
• a deadline to beat
• super high expectation for oneself

To make it worse, one or all of the things listed below will help:

• toxic relationship with a partner(lover/husband/wife)
• poor family communication
• zero social support

If you really want to be depressed, then you can do the following:

• deny that you need help from others
• keep all the problems to yourself 
• never express your feelings
• involve yourself in stressful situations like illicit affairs, illegal acts, etc.

Symptoms that your ways to be depressed may be effective:

• always shouting in anger
• extremely quiet 
• out of focus
• lack of interest in anything
• insomnia or hypersomnia
• and a lot others 

Mom

My mom is my mom.

I can never change her by my cold silent treatment. (I can only change me.)

She is just the way she is. (I am the way I am. Yet, she still loves me.)

She might have hurt me. But she only means well. Because she loves me. And I will never doubt that.


Your mom is your mom.

You can never change her by your loud harsh words. (You can only change you.)

She is just the way she is. (You are the way you are. Yet, she still loves you.)

She might have hurt you. But she only means well. Because she loves you. And never doubt that.


Happy Mother's Day to our moms.

reality check

Reality check. I tried so hard to push myself onto that weighing scale I have been avoiding for so many weeks.


So, because of that reality that really hurts so bad... I came up with this.



The idea's not original (got it from Instagram). But this surely is helping me so far (or so nothing - only 2 days of running).

I am sort of embracing the reality that exercising is probably one thing I will have to accept about the new me that I'm becoming. If I don't want to take pills anymore then I will have to do this natural way of becoming happy - exercising!

Helping those who help

I think I know that living with someone who is depressed can be depressing.

I think that kind of situation takes a lot of energy and effort too, for those family and friends whose loved one is diagnosed to be depressed.

And I use, "I think" because I'm not really sure. I am just attempting to put myself into their shoes.

Well, this is also an attempt to enlighten you how you can help someone depressed. At the end of it all, I suggest too that you as someone who is living with someone depressed should remember to take care of your emotions as well, your thoughts, and your own over-all mental wellness. The happiness you bring is as contagious as the loneliness that the depressed brings. So, be sure to take care of your own mental health as well.

1 Know that it takes time. To be free from depression doesn't happen overnight or in a snap of a finger. You can't just tell her to be well fast. Sad to say but it doesn't happen that way. Since depression is the effect of not just one event but, a string of emotionally draining happenings coupled with poor social support and many different factors such as a toxic relationship or death of a loved one, it also takes an army to cure depression. So, I don't think you can't just tell the person to snap out of it or to be well fast. It might sound helpful, but realistically speaking, it may just put more pressure on the patient.

2 Communication or expression is one way of fighting depression. It may sound absurdly simple but it is so true. That's why there's talk therapy. Studies say that depression is actually "anger turned inwards". It is anger unexpressed. So true, at least for me. So how can you help? Let the patient speak her thoughts without you giving any judgment. If you think that her way of thinking is illogical, thus making her more sad or just plain wrong, then it is a challenge for you to make her change the way she thinks.

One time, I was blabbering my thoughts to my mom, telling her how excited I am about this book I found that gives suggestions on curing depression just by making some lifestyle changes. I was driving and my eyes on the road but I could sense her discomfort about the topic. She was quiet and not reacting at all to my excitement. I frankly told her, "You're not comfortable about the topic, noh?" And she replied, "Can't you just think that you're normal. That you don't have depression. Act normal."

She probably meant well but that totally shut me off. I shivered. I was flustered. I thought "Oh okay, I can't talk to my own mom." I was self-talking, wanting to tell her that she should be happy that I'm doing something to help myself. But no, me finding out more about curing depression, doesn't, for her, help. As she said, I should act normal. For many weeks after that, I stopped talking to her about how I feel. I was extremely sad that I couldn't talk to my own mother.

I can understand her. There's no mom in her sanity would want for her child to be unwell mentally. But I just hope that people will understand that this condition is just like any other illnesses that need the mom's attention (or better yet, the family and loved ones' attention). Anyway, this is probably a battle I have to fight on my own (and some of my family and loved ones, too).

The story goes on. I have been following the book's suggestions, and I tell you, it's been helping me. More on that book later on.

3 Help the patient create happy memories. Most probably, that person depressed has had a many traumatic events in her life. Instead of making it harder for her by blaming her, be the one person who can help forgive herself. She has probably committed unthinkable mistakes or for you, unforgivable and so damn wrong. You will never know the hell she had gone through (or she's still probably going through) just to help herself get out from the situation, so, it's not going to help if you make it more hell-ish for her. Pity those people who think highly of themselves, saying or thinking they will never do wrong and be wrong. One day, one time, they will find themselves humbled by life.

If you find yourself tired or exhausted from doing all these, it's perfectly normal. I hope you won't blame the patient though. Remember, if you stick to her or decide to be with her still, that's your own choice. Just don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

Those days

"Remember, Yoga is about you. It's about you... youuuuuu, and youuuuuu. It's about your own breathing..... Your own position.... Your own balance." 

"Oh c'mon. Stop that, it's damn hard, okay? Can't you see me, I look awful. And awkward."

I decided to do yoga after more than a year of not attending any yoga class. You can say I forced myself. If I can only choose not to but I have to. But I can really choose not to, but I still chose to. Damn.  But whatever, I did it. I had to. With the pill's side effect of weight gain... you know what I mean.

I couldn't help but wonder while I was stretching the unwanted glucose away, how could the anti depressant pills be anti depressant when its side effect of weight gain is so depressing? 

But of course, my shrink's voice could enter into my self-talk and say, "Siguro naman pag nagexercise ka hindi ka tataba kahit umiinom ka ng gamot." 

Yeah. Whatever. As if it's that easy to just get up and exercise.

Everything is an effort. Sigh. How many times have I said that since I learned about the condition? I will be frank to say that it can be tiresome! 

I have found it dragging sometimes to wake up early and drink meds at the same time everyday (of course I haven't been religious about the time), and to stand up again before sleeping to drink another set of meds. Shit. I just want to be okay. To be okay for me means, not drinking meds. Why is it so hard to be okay? 

And during these times, when drinking meds and just getting up to exercise are too dragging that people like me need HELP. 

There are times we can do what we have to do on our own, but there are also times that oneself isn't enough. 

Gardening

It's already been two weeks since the water hose and I would spend about two hours in each other's hands every morning. The two hours of watering the plants in my Mom's garden, just letting the water soak the soil where the plant is rooted, and staring as the dry soil absorbs the water has taught me two lessons about life and relationships.

In my mom's garden, there are plants growing so beautifully while there are also those that seem dying. During the first few days of my being a gardener, I saw myself in those dying plants - those that seemed abandoned, not given proper care, and just left out there to grow on its, probably.
That's what probably happened to me before I knew about my condition. I was not literally abandoned, but I was emotionally abandoned, deprived of the care and affection and just left on my own to grow. This is also what happens to many people. Many people may be physically abandoned but we probably don't realize that in the midst of what seems to be a complete family, there are those members of the family that suffer from emotional abandonment. Emotional abandonment is for me, the absence of communication and affection. It may seem cheesy or for others they would say, "That's not a culture in our family" but communication and affection are for me, the only ways that could nurture someone so she may grow beautiful and happy.
Just like taking care of a garden by watering it everyday, making someone grow to be a beautiful and happy person would mean, communicating and showing affection everyday.

That is lesson number 1.

When I saw a dying plant, I talked to her and told her "You're gonna live, okay? You're not gonna give up. You'll be okay. I will take care of you." I chuckled after saying that. I found it a bit funny that I want this plant to live while I, would sometimes, just want to die. How could I want this plant live and I die? Ironic, eh?

Anyway, I think that's what also happens in a dying relationship. When we see that there seems no life anymore in the relationship, that's when we try to make it work, to have the life back again. We try to do everything that we can just to have everything back to what was once beautiful but it's too late. We probably don't realize that to put life in any relationship, it needs nurturing everyday. Those two people in a relationship, nurture it, not only one of them. If it's just one of the two, it's a useless effort for s/he would eventually be worn out.

That is lesson number 2.

So, you see (and I see, too), we can probably go around spending time asking people, reading books, listening to sermons, browsing through online articles about how to live or how to be in a relationship but, sometimes, what it only takes to learn these things about life and relationships, are a reflective and listening mind and heart and maybe, yes, a seemingly mundane activity such as gardening.

Happy gardening!

Bumper to Bumper Bear-y Happiness

Sometimes, to be happy means making someone happy.

Just today, my family celebrated my nephew's 1st birthday. I somehow contributed in making the birthday in line with the theme, Bears. I patiently made these chocolate cars.

I got the idea from Pinterest. Since I am a fan of local chocolates, I used Cloud 9 for the car body and Nips for the wheels. The bear cookies are not locally made though. 

While making these in the kitchen, two people from the catering service told me, "Ang tiyaga mo naman gawin yan." I just thought, cooking dishes for over a hundred people are far harder than making these chocolate cars, how could you tell me I am matiyaga when you know what you did takes more hard work than putting Nips here and there and bear cookies. But of course, any sincere affirmation makes anyone feel good. So I was kinda proud of myself although these can be done by kids.

During the party, nothing felt better than seeing kids getting these sweets and enjoying eating them.

Keepin' the high

I should have written about the books I have read days ago. But I still haven't. I've been having a laid back life here in my home province and the books I have told you that I'd write about are in Manila. My apology.

Anyway, for the past few days, I have also been avoiding writing. There's something about writing that leads me to a ruminative mode that I tend to overdo it. I have realized that for the first few weeks of summer, I have been letting my over thinking ruin my possibly happy summer days. You see, I wouldn't want to fill this blog site with so much sadness. I realized that thinking and writing too much about sadness only feed the already sad part of my brain. 

So, I'll just share what I've been consciously doing to keep that serotonin level in my brain high.

1 Managing my sleep. I've been drinking milk before I sleep and avoiding taking a nap in the afternoon  so I get to fall asleep easily during the night. Managing my sleep also means getting my body moving at least 30 minutes in a day. I bike or brisk walk in the late afternoon.

2 Getting some sunlight. Oh yes, I know many of us are avoiding the sun. I learned that the heat we get from the sun is actually an antidepressant. I don't just lie under the sun. I do gardening while I'm getting that Vitamin D from Mr. Sun! Gardening actually has a therapeutic effect. It calms my  nerves that makes me enjoy the greenery of my Mom's garden.

3 Taking fish oil and Vitamin C every night. I started doing this after learning from the book that I'm reading that fish oil has EPA and DHA (some vitamins for the brain) that are actually antidepressants!

These are just some of the things that I started doing based on the book that I read. Actually, there are other suggestions. But I don't take them all at the same time. I take baby steps. I wanna be realistic and consistent. So, that would mean taking each step slowly but surely.

When books disturb

So much in this book spoke so clearly about the battles, thoughts, questions, struggles of a depressed. Wurtzel effectively used words to describe what it is like in the mind of someone who is suffering from depression. If you would find yourself irritated, confused or downright sad while reading, know that Wurtzel intended that.

So after reading this memoir and "Healing the Wounded Emotions" by Padovani, I must confess, I am disturbed that I do not know how I can put my mind to rest.

Now, I am reading "The Depression Cure: The 6-step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs" by Stephen S. Ilardi, PhD.

Take this book home today.

I am as tired as those who are close to me are tired with my feelings of insecurities, anxiety, and meaninglessness. I have thought of many things to be instantly okay. But, I have come to accept that these emotions do not calm just like that. I have to help myself. I know time will come (or probably, time has come!) that my family and friends who know me very well will get exhausted from dealing with me. And so, I listened to myself, to the turmoil that's been broiling inside me telling me I have to deal with her.

I thought of doing two things: one is to sit in one corner of a coffee shop, write, think, reflect, and find peace in my aloneness in writing; two is to buy a book that will speak to me and tell me how I can help myself. 

I did the latter. I bought a book. A book that doesn't look appealing. But the title appealed to me. The back cover even called me and actually talked to me.

A line from the back cover shouted at me saying, "Take this book home today. Read it. Let it calm your turmoil..."

And so, look forward to sharing with you insights I will be getting from reading this "Healing Wounded Emotions" by Martin H. Padovani.

That kind of happiness

There's something about amusement parks that force people to smile.

Last Easter Sunday, my brother's family tagged me and my mom along with them in the one and only amusement park in my home province. I was up for it because I reckoned that I'd only been at home almost all the time during the Holy Week.

During our first ride in the tea cups, there was something in the turning of the cups and blowing of the wind that touches our face that force its riders to smile and feel happy.

It was a lot of fun. It gave me that ting sound in my heart and my heart couldn't help but jump for sheer happiness.

I told myself "Wow this is really a happy place!" And no wonder why a lot of parents bring their children to amusement parks. Children get amused. They become happy.

But, this happiness that amusement parks bring... it's temporary. It's to me, almost fake. It forces people to smile because of the thrill it gives.

I want the happiness that's permanent... that's real... that's eternal.

We all do.

So how do we?

In the midst of happiness

When someone is depressed, she could be feeling that she what she is feeling is so powerful that there's no way that it can be defeated. There's like this uncontrollable force that brings the depressed person down. No amount of laughters and happiness around her could bring her mood up.

That's just how I felt the entire duration of the Holy Week when the family was complete, my nieces and nephews were happily playing and laughing their hearts out, and everything just seemed so light and easy. 

It seems there is this heavy burden on my shoulder trying to pull me down, and it seems more powerful than my will power to think that I have no reason to be so low. At the end of the day, I would force myself to sleep and convince myself that I need to relax my mind from too much thinking and self-pitying. 

Good thing though that I recognize that I was not feeling all right. I let myself feel bad. I knew too that I had to tell someone. So I told someone and he suggested ways how I could feel better. I kinda followed his suggestions. 

I talked to my brother as my friend suggested. I told my brother my worries and anxieties about work. It's funny though that we live in one compound and his family home is just a few steps aways but we communicated through email. I am still not used to talking openly to my brother, to any of my brothers.

It sure feels good to let someone in the family know my anxieties. But it really doesn't solve anything.

I wanna find my place. I wanna know where I belong. I wanna know who I am becoming. 

But I don't have fast and easy answers. They say, I just gotta be patient, figure out where God is redirecting me. But being patient still leads me more to questions - until when should I wait? how do I know that this God's will for me? how strong should I be?

The Pill and I

Summer of last year marked the beginning of my extreme loneliness. Only a month after the summer season, I was advised by my therapist to see a psychiatrist. That meeting with my psychiatrist also marked the beginning of my daily intake of pills to fight this thing inside me called Depression.

I honestly feel afraid how my life would be without taking this pill. I want it out of my life. But I am also fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle myself without this.

You see there was this one time that I intentionally did not take my pills for consecutive days and find out what could happen to me. I wanted to prove my therapist and my psychiatrist that I can handle myself without the pills. On the fourth day of not taking the medicine, I broke down. I got myself into a heated fight against my then boyfriend. I shouted, cried, and just felt so extremely mad.

At that time, I thought it was normal that I got mad. But then my therapist advised me to tell my psychiatrist about my breakdown. True enough, my breaking down on the fourth day without the pills is precisely because of my not taking the med. So I couldn't do anything but follow the doctor's order not to experiment for it will surely have adverse effects.

She told me that I will take my medicine for six months. After six months, I could be advised to taper the intake and eventually stop. I looked forward to the six months after. But then, six months after came and she told me to continue taking the medicine daily.

Now, that this med is in me for almost a year, I don't know how else my life would be without this. Without it, would that mean that I will have to always exert an effort to be happy and choose happy thoughts? Would it also mean that people around me would have to be careful in approaching me? But I also don't like to give this condition as an excuse so I can be treated specially.

Oh, if I could also see this condition in a different light and find meaning why this has to happen.