solace in a strange world

Last Friday, the Gospel spoke to me: "Truly I say to you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy. ... You feel sorrowful now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice; and no one will take your joy from you. When that day comes you will not ask me anything. Truly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you."

Today, another line from the Readings struck me: "Indeed, I put no value on my life..." Paul said these words to Ephesus. I truly do not understand its essence within the context. I just don't. But it spoke to me.

You see, that's what I exactly feel - my life has no value and I put no value on my life. Like I can disappear from work and home and no one will notice. The only person who will most likely notice is my partner. I just don't seem to feel like I matter to anyone. And so, I want to go somewhere else - to a place where no one knows me and no one should really make me feel like I matter because they are strangers to me and I am a stranger to them. Here in my world now, I feel I should matter because they are not strangers to me and I am not a stranger to them; but I don't matter.

That's what I've been praying for - for my life to have value. Or maybe somewhere, even in a strange world, I would I actually matter. I have value.I can put value on my life.

Right now, I can only close my eyes and imagine life in this world where I feel I am valued, my life has a value, and that it's living with a purpose. But after a while, I open my eyes, and see my world again - where I don't seem to really exist.

So, please bring me to a world where I can really feel I exist, my life is indeed life, and happiness is the name of the air I breathe.

Dreaming again!

I was watching this travel documentary show of GMA featuring Kenya when I stopped what I was doing and focused my attention on the show. Then, I realized how any travel show would make me pause and marvel at the vastness and beauty of the world. I remember when I was in my teens and had the vigor and optimism to dream, I would always tell myself that I'm a traveller and that I would love to see every country of the world. Then, that dream faded away.

It took one show to remind me of my dream. I lingered on my dream and continued imagining myself traveling... With my lifetime partner - my husband (and with our children). I started picturing me and my husband going to one country every year for our wedding anniversary or whatever reason. I just want us to see the world together. Then, later on, when our children are mature enough to appreciate the beauty of the world, we will bring our children in all our travels. I want my family to be a traveling family. 

I want to do this not to brag or show off, but to see and experience for ourselves how amazing Our Creator is, how small we are in the bigger scheme of things, how little our problem is compared to the vast beauty we have... 

While I was thinking about this, I thought to myself, "Glad, I'm dreaming again!" To make this dream clearer, these are the countries I would like to visit with my husband: 

#1 in my list is Japan. I read about this temple in Kyoto. Since then, I became intrigued and I haven't stopped dreaming about going there and see for myself what I read in the novel, "The Temple of Golden Pavilion"

 #2 is Russia. It's a big country, I know. And I don't know that much about Russia. The fact that I don't know a lot about it except for the hat the Princess Sarah (cartoon shown in Philippines) makes me so interested. I feel that Russia is a country full of mysteries. I would like to feel the mystery for myself. To start with the tour there, we can go to Moscow first. 

#3 is Scotland. Since, I've been watching this tv series "Reign" which is about Mary, the Queen of Scots, I think that Scotland is the best place to start the European Tour. The picture below is the Edinburgh Castle in Scotland. 

I hope writing my dream is the start of making my dreams become a reality. 

Just dream. 

Happiness website

Happiness explained in a scientific way -

http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/aristotle/

all pretty

The weekend that was, was all pretty. 

Feeling happy was all that I could be.

Kids' innocence and simplicity 

make everything seem easy

Siblings love and care

tell me I could be who I desire to be

Mom's words of wisdom

invite me to stay true to who I am meant to be

Happiness has always been a conscious effort.

Remember what makes you happy. 

That kind of weekend

The weekend would seem orindary but reflecting about it again, it's the kind of weekend that I actually enjoyed.

I spent it with people that make me feel happy. I spent it with my family. I helped my mom decorate her Christmas tree and even got to run-walk with my brother and his wife at this not so popular running place in my home province (but hey, I felt the fresh air!)

These simple activities lowered my stress level. Oh also, I got to stick on the family car the sticker that speaks well of my belief which is "Simple is better."

My weekend ended with a healthy Viatnemese lunch with my boyfriend and his family, the Holy Eucharist and the usual warm conversation with my cousin.

Thank God I am alive. 

Vacation with Him

Five days of silence ... easy. So I thought.

I was wrong. It's more especially difficult when everything seems a-okay.

My first two silent retreats were both three days. Those times, God knows, how much I needed to retreat.

But this time around, it wasn't at first, what would seem something I really really need. Despite that, I still had myself commit to it, even "leveled up" - from three days to five days. I thought, three days is no challenge.

So to retreat began.

The first two days, I had doubts, questions, and even serious thoughts of just leaving on the third day for I could no longer endure the silence and what seems to be "nothing" that's happening. I was, in a way, boastful thinking that I already knew what God would tell me. I thought, "What's new, my Lord? Here we go again."

I felt at that moment, nothing was gonna happen anyway. Retreat is just something I compelled myself to do because, hey, I started with it for two consecutive years and how I liked it... why not continue it? Also, I thought, this is just part of the circle of life that I go through then I do again what's supposed to be done after the retreat - that is, to live again... to struggle living again.

On the first night, I remember myself, literally going around the stone path circling the mini garden in the middle of the big garden. As I was going around it, I told the Lord, "this is my life, Lord... just going in circles. Not going anywhere." I didn't force myself to do that, it just felt so natural for me to do that on the first night when the silence had to begin.

Then I started feeling at home.

The lush greenery of the garden fresh from the evening rain welcomed me on the third day. Everything around me seemed so at peace. Birds twittering could literally be heard. The sound of the waterfalls surrounding the labyrinth was a music to my ears. I even saw a bird, taking a bath from the mini pond where the water falls.
The rabbit which I met last year, was freely moving around the garden.

That moment when I stepped out of my room, I knew I had a piece of heaven. That is home.

It was then, that moment when I felt most relaxed that He started talking to me - not in spoken words but in simple ordinary scenes that I would almost always take for granted - the fresh morning air, sound of water falls, the sight of a bird taking a bath, and the rabbit freely moving.

From that moment on, He never stopped talking to me. And I try very hard to keep listening.

And now that I am out of the Retreat House, all the more that I will have to try my best to keep listening.

Bumper to Bumper Bear-y Happiness

Sometimes, to be happy means making someone happy.

Just today, my family celebrated my nephew's 1st birthday. I somehow contributed in making the birthday in line with the theme, Bears. I patiently made these chocolate cars.

I got the idea from Pinterest. Since I am a fan of local chocolates, I used Cloud 9 for the car body and Nips for the wheels. The bear cookies are not locally made though. 

While making these in the kitchen, two people from the catering service told me, "Ang tiyaga mo naman gawin yan." I just thought, cooking dishes for over a hundred people are far harder than making these chocolate cars, how could you tell me I am matiyaga when you know what you did takes more hard work than putting Nips here and there and bear cookies. But of course, any sincere affirmation makes anyone feel good. So I was kinda proud of myself although these can be done by kids.

During the party, nothing felt better than seeing kids getting these sweets and enjoying eating them.

That kind of happiness

There's something about amusement parks that force people to smile.

Last Easter Sunday, my brother's family tagged me and my mom along with them in the one and only amusement park in my home province. I was up for it because I reckoned that I'd only been at home almost all the time during the Holy Week.

During our first ride in the tea cups, there was something in the turning of the cups and blowing of the wind that touches our face that force its riders to smile and feel happy.

It was a lot of fun. It gave me that ting sound in my heart and my heart couldn't help but jump for sheer happiness.

I told myself "Wow this is really a happy place!" And no wonder why a lot of parents bring their children to amusement parks. Children get amused. They become happy.

But, this happiness that amusement parks bring... it's temporary. It's to me, almost fake. It forces people to smile because of the thrill it gives.

I want the happiness that's permanent... that's real... that's eternal.

We all do.

So how do we?