The need for routine

It's weird that today I uttered only a few words. I think that people in this house, my parent's house, could count the number of words I spoke. Nothing is wrong. I was just really more pensive today.

I could be very quiet but my mind is very loud. It's one thing about me.

Anyway, to help myself today, I was trying to establish some routine in my everyday stay here. It's vacation. And I don't have strict schedule to follow. But I know that for anyone like me, we need some routine. So, what have I come up with so far?

1. Cook/Eat breakfast
2. Rest a little
3. Hypnotic exercise
4. Physical exercise (treadmill_
5. Rest and pray

These last only for half a day. The other half of the day, I haven't made any routine.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Cleaning Therapy

I acknowledge that I need help. I know too that I cannot just bug people around me and tell them I need help. And when they found out that my need is company - they might just laugh it off.

Some needs just cannot be met.

So, today, I did one thing to help me shake off this disturbing chaos in my head.

This one thing that has always been therapeutic for me is cleaning! I love removing the dust off from surfaces, wiping them with my favorite Pledge, sweeping the floor with my broom whose strands shake like it's being tickled (Seriously, I smiled when I saw that while I was sweeping), and finally, mopping the floor with my Tornado 360 mop! This mop just made our lives so much easier - not to mention, cleaning so fun!

Now, that I am done with cleaning my little room - I will have to face again reality - that bugging disturbing chaos in my head. But at least now, I am facing it feeling a little lighter thanks to my cleaning therapy!

nature therapy

Days just got lonelier. Tears incessantly flowed from my eyes as I struggled to explain myself to a friend that "I am just not feeling okay," that my med side effect had one of its worst hit on me that I could not see and think clearly, that I can barely move.

The next day, when I opened my eyes, I resolved to make plans for myself - one of which is to make myself happy. I decided to go the local park I have been long wanted to go to. Alone. I was alone. It would seem or look sad to be alone but I prepped myself to be okay to be alone. I knew that to be alone means moving according to my own pace, without someone telling me to move faster and go home immediately. More importantly, doing things alone just to make myself happy means I am learning to not depend my happiness on anyone - not my family, not my boyfriend. I enjoyed the nature tripping. I walked along the pavements, enjoyed the sight of the luscious trees, and simply felt, alive and okay.

Most of the park visitors were the common people - families, friends, and lovers. But what I admired most were the families who brought their kids and let them play under the sun and enjoy the nature. I enjoyed watching them and eavesdropping their conversations. As I continued walking around the park (there was no map so I just followed where my footsteps would take me), I saw the sanctuaries for eagles! It was unusual for me to see those birds.

Philippine Hawk Eagle

White-bellied sea eagle

Philippine Serpent-eating Eagle

The park was actually simple and not really popular. But I am grateful that it is still there and open to the public. For only Php8.00 for the entrance fee and Php15.00 for the parking, it is definitely a good escape for those who need breathing space, solitude, and life.

The power of two hands

I was already feeling that voice of sadness whispering in my head when my boyfriend left for home.

"You're alone, again" said that voice. It kept nagging at me. I closed my eyes, took a plunge onto my bed and entertained that voice. I told her, "So you're there again. Just because I'm physically alone, you're already taking advantage of my vulnerability."

And I knew then, that self-talk, that self-awareness that I was starting to feel sad, that I had to do something.

And I did. I forced myself up from the bed. I looked around me. A messy vanity table. And that buzzing vibrating sound from the aquarium's oxygen.

The sight and the sound that irritated me became my reason for my cleaning therapy. Yes, cleaning is also a therapy.

I haven't had my talk therapy for two months already. So I knew I had to make my way to help myself. An incident almost two months ago sort of pulled me back from getting my talk therapy. That's a different story.

So, I helped myself. I got my hands that cleaned the mess and removed the irritating sound . I also got my heart that desired to help myself.

My still living and breathing self and the desire to help that self... powerful.

Art as therapy

Let art speak my thoughts.

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What it takes to treat Depression

Colored my room with happy colors. Decorated it with bright colors. Was given the treadmill. Now, taking care some fish and a dog.

These are some of my ways to combat depression. Happy bright colors help uplifting the mood. Treadmill , of course, assists in exercising. Fish in an aquarium and a dog are known to be good helpers to de-stress.

But none of these now help me.

 The treadmill has just been a display since my ankle and knee injury. Stress is just way too much. Not one in my family knows that I might be having a relapse (I fear they might just shrug it off). One person knows but he is probably too happy in his life that he doesn't seem to know the impact of this on me and on our relationship. My cousin does not know because I fear she would worry. Now, I am left on my own. 

Tomorrow, I will officially start owning my fight against depression. I will not depend on anyone except my doctors and therapist, of course (glad there are people like them who still understand). I will do what it takes and what I can so I would not relapse. Depression in itself is just causing too much on me physically, emotionally and mentally. But the cost of treating it is even worse! 

Some push

Just some push from heavenly bodies from the ground - this was how I imagined the world conniving to help me go beyond my immovable limits during my first 5K run at the 37th Milo Marathon, Mall of Asia grounds.

Since, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I felt like everything that I used to love doing suddenly felt senseless and so difficult to do.

In teaching, which is my profession, I would, with my trembling hands and unsure and dazed head, look for my creativity, passion, and commitment which I was reputed for in my first teaching job. This difficulty, which was so hard to explain at that time this was happening to me, led to lack of (and even absence) of performance in my profession. 

Running also became alien to me. The activity I would do when I felt like wanting to clear all the chaos in my mind, had become an activity I would run away from. 

But this morning, with some push from some unseen and heavenly energy, I managed to get up at 4am to prepare myself for the 5K run. The world did connive even with my family and boyfriend who were there to provide for all I needed just to get myself back up from a world full of uncertainty and insecurity. It might have just been a simple and ordinary 5K run. But for me, it meant more than that. 

To me, it meant that I can go back to what I have always loved doing. I may be starting again, but, it's okay as long as I don't stop .... I probably lost my way (or maybe not), but it's all part of it, I guess .... Getting lost to find a path leading me to where I am destined to be. 

Trying to change the rhythm of my life

Running for my mental and physical health

Listening to His words for my spiritual health

Closer

Every trying time, joyful time .... Actually any time is an opportunity for us to lead our lives closer to Him.

 This is one lesson I got from my silent retreat.

Times were hard and deeply painful for me but I didn't see them as opportunities to make me stronger and more faithful to Him. Instead, I planted anger and even watered it with insecurity, self-pity, and unfaithfulness. That eventually grew into a destructive behavior - always doubting my capacity to forgive and always building walls around me to block myself from having authentic relationships - those that are both loving and hurting. 

I only wanted loving relationships - those that are not causing hurt. But later I found out, it is not a real relationship if it does not experience pain. Love in relationships means being able to endure pain and to forgive. 

That is what I just did. With His grace, I am able to choose to love and to forgive despite the pain - the pain that helps me come closer to Him.... closer to Home. 

Vacation with Him

Five days of silence ... easy. So I thought.

I was wrong. It's more especially difficult when everything seems a-okay.

My first two silent retreats were both three days. Those times, God knows, how much I needed to retreat.

But this time around, it wasn't at first, what would seem something I really really need. Despite that, I still had myself commit to it, even "leveled up" - from three days to five days. I thought, three days is no challenge.

So to retreat began.

The first two days, I had doubts, questions, and even serious thoughts of just leaving on the third day for I could no longer endure the silence and what seems to be "nothing" that's happening. I was, in a way, boastful thinking that I already knew what God would tell me. I thought, "What's new, my Lord? Here we go again."

I felt at that moment, nothing was gonna happen anyway. Retreat is just something I compelled myself to do because, hey, I started with it for two consecutive years and how I liked it... why not continue it? Also, I thought, this is just part of the circle of life that I go through then I do again what's supposed to be done after the retreat - that is, to live again... to struggle living again.

On the first night, I remember myself, literally going around the stone path circling the mini garden in the middle of the big garden. As I was going around it, I told the Lord, "this is my life, Lord... just going in circles. Not going anywhere." I didn't force myself to do that, it just felt so natural for me to do that on the first night when the silence had to begin.

Then I started feeling at home.

The lush greenery of the garden fresh from the evening rain welcomed me on the third day. Everything around me seemed so at peace. Birds twittering could literally be heard. The sound of the waterfalls surrounding the labyrinth was a music to my ears. I even saw a bird, taking a bath from the mini pond where the water falls.
The rabbit which I met last year, was freely moving around the garden.

That moment when I stepped out of my room, I knew I had a piece of heaven. That is home.

It was then, that moment when I felt most relaxed that He started talking to me - not in spoken words but in simple ordinary scenes that I would almost always take for granted - the fresh morning air, sound of water falls, the sight of a bird taking a bath, and the rabbit freely moving.

From that moment on, He never stopped talking to me. And I try very hard to keep listening.

And now that I am out of the Retreat House, all the more that I will have to try my best to keep listening.

5 days for my soul

The first semester for many college students has just ended, and so has my too much thinking.

Time zoomed so fast that the next thing I noticed were the Christmas decorations on display for sale.

Anyway, for this very short semestral break, I allotted myself time for a 5-day Silent Retreat.



The unnecessary stress that our everyday life is causing, everyone deserves to just get a break and retreat from all of the noise.

Silent retreats give us time to let go of everything we are used to having everyday. We let go of our phones, access to social networking sites, human interactions, and even our usual selves.

These silent moments give us more time to get in touch with ourselves and with our God. More importantly, these moments remind us what really matters in life... forgiveness, peace of mind, love, patience, and eternal happiness.

In Philippines, there are many retreat houses located in Tagaytay and Baguio. But one doesn't have to go too far if you are in living in Metro Manila. In Quezon City, I highly recommend the Cenacle Sisters Retreat Center in Varsity Hills, Quezon City.

Here's their website:

http://www.cenaclephilsing.org/

Sound of Nature

There's one good thing that I've recently discovered to keep my nerves calm in the midst of the rat race in the City - the Sound of Nature from the album Spa Moods.

Here's the link to one of the sounds found in the album.

I play it before I sleep or while I'm having my long relaxing bath. I play it whenever I feel my facial muscles forming new layers of wrinkles. I play it whenever I feel my brain warming up to get ready to explode.

I'm sharing this to you so you can also find yourselves calmed in the middle of what seems to be a chaos in the city.

Gardening

It's already been two weeks since the water hose and I would spend about two hours in each other's hands every morning. The two hours of watering the plants in my Mom's garden, just letting the water soak the soil where the plant is rooted, and staring as the dry soil absorbs the water has taught me two lessons about life and relationships.

In my mom's garden, there are plants growing so beautifully while there are also those that seem dying. During the first few days of my being a gardener, I saw myself in those dying plants - those that seemed abandoned, not given proper care, and just left out there to grow on its, probably.
That's what probably happened to me before I knew about my condition. I was not literally abandoned, but I was emotionally abandoned, deprived of the care and affection and just left on my own to grow. This is also what happens to many people. Many people may be physically abandoned but we probably don't realize that in the midst of what seems to be a complete family, there are those members of the family that suffer from emotional abandonment. Emotional abandonment is for me, the absence of communication and affection. It may seem cheesy or for others they would say, "That's not a culture in our family" but communication and affection are for me, the only ways that could nurture someone so she may grow beautiful and happy.
Just like taking care of a garden by watering it everyday, making someone grow to be a beautiful and happy person would mean, communicating and showing affection everyday.

That is lesson number 1.

When I saw a dying plant, I talked to her and told her "You're gonna live, okay? You're not gonna give up. You'll be okay. I will take care of you." I chuckled after saying that. I found it a bit funny that I want this plant to live while I, would sometimes, just want to die. How could I want this plant live and I die? Ironic, eh?

Anyway, I think that's what also happens in a dying relationship. When we see that there seems no life anymore in the relationship, that's when we try to make it work, to have the life back again. We try to do everything that we can just to have everything back to what was once beautiful but it's too late. We probably don't realize that to put life in any relationship, it needs nurturing everyday. Those two people in a relationship, nurture it, not only one of them. If it's just one of the two, it's a useless effort for s/he would eventually be worn out.

That is lesson number 2.

So, you see (and I see, too), we can probably go around spending time asking people, reading books, listening to sermons, browsing through online articles about how to live or how to be in a relationship but, sometimes, what it only takes to learn these things about life and relationships, are a reflective and listening mind and heart and maybe, yes, a seemingly mundane activity such as gardening.

Happy gardening!

Take this book home today.

I am as tired as those who are close to me are tired with my feelings of insecurities, anxiety, and meaninglessness. I have thought of many things to be instantly okay. But, I have come to accept that these emotions do not calm just like that. I have to help myself. I know time will come (or probably, time has come!) that my family and friends who know me very well will get exhausted from dealing with me. And so, I listened to myself, to the turmoil that's been broiling inside me telling me I have to deal with her.

I thought of doing two things: one is to sit in one corner of a coffee shop, write, think, reflect, and find peace in my aloneness in writing; two is to buy a book that will speak to me and tell me how I can help myself. 

I did the latter. I bought a book. A book that doesn't look appealing. But the title appealed to me. The back cover even called me and actually talked to me.

A line from the back cover shouted at me saying, "Take this book home today. Read it. Let it calm your turmoil..."

And so, look forward to sharing with you insights I will be getting from reading this "Healing Wounded Emotions" by Martin H. Padovani.