Another Battle

Battle against Depression should have been over last year when my doctor told me I can stop taking my happy pills.

But another battle has started. This time it's my battle against PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome.

One of the symptoms of this PCOS is depression. Ha! That damn D has come back (or maybe it never actually left!) through another form - in the form of PCOS.

You ask me now how I am. I do not know anymore! I've stopped asking why I have this. I am in this state where I am in complete surrender. I am no longer questioning God. I am only struggling now to accept His plans for me and obey him unconditionally.

solace in a strange world

Last Friday, the Gospel spoke to me: "Truly I say to you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy. ... You feel sorrowful now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice; and no one will take your joy from you. When that day comes you will not ask me anything. Truly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you."

Today, another line from the Readings struck me: "Indeed, I put no value on my life..." Paul said these words to Ephesus. I truly do not understand its essence within the context. I just don't. But it spoke to me.

You see, that's what I exactly feel - my life has no value and I put no value on my life. Like I can disappear from work and home and no one will notice. The only person who will most likely notice is my partner. I just don't seem to feel like I matter to anyone. And so, I want to go somewhere else - to a place where no one knows me and no one should really make me feel like I matter because they are strangers to me and I am a stranger to them. Here in my world now, I feel I should matter because they are not strangers to me and I am not a stranger to them; but I don't matter.

That's what I've been praying for - for my life to have value. Or maybe somewhere, even in a strange world, I would I actually matter. I have value.I can put value on my life.

Right now, I can only close my eyes and imagine life in this world where I feel I am valued, my life has a value, and that it's living with a purpose. But after a while, I open my eyes, and see my world again - where I don't seem to really exist.

So, please bring me to a world where I can really feel I exist, my life is indeed life, and happiness is the name of the air I breathe.

Where to?

Where do you start when you find yourself sliding back to the deep dark dungeon called Depression?

Feelings of worthlessness and self pity have been becoming all too close to me once again.

To  help myself, I'm reading again
my Kindle copy of "The Depression Cure".

The Royal Family for Mental Health Awareness

I love them. But now, I love them even more. Kudos to the Royal Family for their new advocacy - mental health awareness.

Watch this video.

Campaign video of Heads Together

On silence

True.

Barely breathing

Struggling to keep myself alive

Adjustment

September 30, 2015 marked that day when Doctor told me he's liberating me from my meds. Of course, I looked forward to that day when I could be happy naturally - you know without the help of any medication. Freeing me from medicines after three years is a huge victory on my part! I know that even if with medication and I still wouldn't help myself, I wouldn't be a-okay. But I did help myself. My family did help me - not in the way though that I hoped :) Their help, I would call falls under tough love. All that knows me well - friends from work, friends since birth, my boyfriend, helped me in one way or another.

But what Doctor probably forgot to tell me was that my body and its entire system would also adjust without the help of Fluoxetine. For the first two weeks without any medication, I found myself, crying so hard, getting too emotional, and just really having a difficult time controlling my emotion called sadness. Victims of this adjustment included my mother and my boyfriend. Details not important in the discussion. The point is that I had a terrible terrible terrible time adjusting. Since then, I resolved to help myself even harder. How?

by exercising

I would need to exercise more often! So, to help myself motivate to exercise, I signed up for a 10K run! Committing myself to that 10K run would serve as my motivation to train regularly. 

And yes, I finished the 10K run! It's another victory! It was not fast but I finished it. I did not give up and that is what mattered and still matters.

by helping others

Another thing that has been helping me is being more conscious of going beyond myself - this means that I would need to see and think logically that the world is not about me and my bouts of depression. I started to give regularly to the Church through the seminary where my brother is a spiritual director. Aside from that, I helped the seminary by asking my colleagues to donate their books for the seminary because a lot of their things were damaged because of the Typhoon Lando that hit my hometown.

These two things: exercising and helping others were very helpful as I continue to live without any medication.

Other ways to help me be happier and more positive would include:

keeping myself away from people who are so negative
sleeping for 6-7 hours a day
praying wholeheartedly (through meditation)

Those three, I need to work on since lately I have been surrounded with people who are too negative and so stressful to be with, I have been sleeping irregularly, and have not been praying religiously.

No small victory

I always remember what I read somewhere - there is no small victory for the depressed, everything is a big victory! Being able to get up from bed, take a shower, eat healthy, go to work or do the normal routine would be normally easy. But for the depressed, doing these "normal" stuff can be a heavy burden. So, if you get to do something that would be "normal" and "easy" but you really struggled to accomplish it, celebrate it! Everyday is a good practice to think back and remember what you would find difficult to do but you did it anyway. This way, you are learning to acknowledge your "small" accomplishments.

Today, though I found it difficult to get up from bed - I got up anyway! I got up and surprisingly, I was even able to finish requirements for graduate school. To add more good news, I even got to submit them on time! These required things would be, supposedly, a normal stress for some. However, those normal stressors would be considered, high stressors already for those whose standards of themselves are too high. 

So remember, though no one recognizes you for your "small" victory because for them it is normal, there is no small victory for people like us.

Dreaming again!

I was watching this travel documentary show of GMA featuring Kenya when I stopped what I was doing and focused my attention on the show. Then, I realized how any travel show would make me pause and marvel at the vastness and beauty of the world. I remember when I was in my teens and had the vigor and optimism to dream, I would always tell myself that I'm a traveller and that I would love to see every country of the world. Then, that dream faded away.

It took one show to remind me of my dream. I lingered on my dream and continued imagining myself traveling... With my lifetime partner - my husband (and with our children). I started picturing me and my husband going to one country every year for our wedding anniversary or whatever reason. I just want us to see the world together. Then, later on, when our children are mature enough to appreciate the beauty of the world, we will bring our children in all our travels. I want my family to be a traveling family. 

I want to do this not to brag or show off, but to see and experience for ourselves how amazing Our Creator is, how small we are in the bigger scheme of things, how little our problem is compared to the vast beauty we have... 

While I was thinking about this, I thought to myself, "Glad, I'm dreaming again!" To make this dream clearer, these are the countries I would like to visit with my husband: 

#1 in my list is Japan. I read about this temple in Kyoto. Since then, I became intrigued and I haven't stopped dreaming about going there and see for myself what I read in the novel, "The Temple of Golden Pavilion"

 #2 is Russia. It's a big country, I know. And I don't know that much about Russia. The fact that I don't know a lot about it except for the hat the Princess Sarah (cartoon shown in Philippines) makes me so interested. I feel that Russia is a country full of mysteries. I would like to feel the mystery for myself. To start with the tour there, we can go to Moscow first. 

#3 is Scotland. Since, I've been watching this tv series "Reign" which is about Mary, the Queen of Scots, I think that Scotland is the best place to start the European Tour. The picture below is the Edinburgh Castle in Scotland. 

I hope writing my dream is the start of making my dreams become a reality. 

Just dream. 

The need for routine

It's weird that today I uttered only a few words. I think that people in this house, my parent's house, could count the number of words I spoke. Nothing is wrong. I was just really more pensive today.

I could be very quiet but my mind is very loud. It's one thing about me.

Anyway, to help myself today, I was trying to establish some routine in my everyday stay here. It's vacation. And I don't have strict schedule to follow. But I know that for anyone like me, we need some routine. So, what have I come up with so far?

1. Cook/Eat breakfast
2. Rest a little
3. Hypnotic exercise
4. Physical exercise (treadmill_
5. Rest and pray

These last only for half a day. The other half of the day, I haven't made any routine.

the wisdom in forced

I was browsing through the blog of this woman I have been admiring for her class and natural happy personality when I thought that, while, most women or ladies would be blogging about their latest finds, travels, escapades, fashion finds, etc... I am blogging about how I'm getting through with my condition. Blogging about one's struggle to keep her sanity, her happiness, and her journey to find her home is not such a welcome topic. I am assuming that, naturally, people would prefer to read articles with positive tone. My blog is not entirely positive... it's more of a mix of all possible human emotions. In this blog, I am showing how some people are naturally predisposed or "wired" to be happy... that for some, happiness is an effort.

Speaking of effort, today, I had to do a lot of mental talk to convince myself to get up, take a bath, get out of the house, play with my nephew, drive for parents, read a good novel, eat healthy, and show that little smile to people I used to see often in my former work.

I was successful. It sounds a small feat, but, I consider it a big victory already.

The most difficult part in winning today's battle is showing my smile and acknowledge familiar faces I used to work with. My smile was such a forced smile. I mean, if I could just pretend that I didn't see them, I would. Why? I'm afraid that they would sense the change in me - I used to be jolly, happy, cheerful but now, I can't even give them a happy smile. And I'm afraid that they will think I'm not becoming a happy, gracious woman... instead, I'm becoming a wrathful woman. Oh, why am I so concerned about what they think about me?

I really don't know how to end today's blog. I hope someone can do it for me.

Day 3 of consciously helping myself

For the past three days, I have been working hard on helping myself. What have I done?

Day 1: I deleted all my social networking sites that trigger my anxiety.
Day 2: I started this hypnotic exercise using a phone app.
Day 3: Today! I started exercising by using the treadmill.

Also today, I started looking for a detox diet that will help me feel good.

Why am I doing this?

For the nth time, I realize I got only myself to rely on to cope with the difficulties of handling my emotions, stressors, pressure, and other things.

I acknowledge that people around me try very hard to do what they can -

My family allows me to relax here in my province.

My partner tries to make me feel secure by calling me often - before work, during breaks, after work, before going to sleep.

But they are the same people that can harm me. Big time.

My family's culture of "not talking" or "communicating" emotions or thoughts makes it hard for me to open up and trust them.

My partner's connection with his past, the fact that I haven't really been introduced to his closest friends, and his tendency to lie make me anxious!

When they fall short, I get hurt ... big time hurt. You see, they are the only people that I have now.

I have lost a lot of friends since I closed my world because of the shame and uncertainty I was feeling because of my mental illness. I suddenly disconnected myself to people - many people. Even if I knew that there are some of them who would understand me.

My family and my partner are the only people that make me feel alive. Without any one of them or when the relationship turns ugly, I die... I feel like slowly dying.

I will have to learn living my life for myself ... because there's so much to look forward to even without them. They are God's gifts. They are God's. They can also be taken away from me. So, I cannot depend my happiness and my existence on them.

I will have to find a reason for my existence... with or without them.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Mental health first

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter which hurt my mental health. It hurt me before. So I deleted each one. When I got better, I activated them - only to realize now, that it can still hurt me.

There's always this one person that made me so uneasy and nervous whenever I would open my FB or IG or Twitter. It's because whenever I open any of those, I always discover something that could potentially damage our relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that. But it does. It always gives me reasons to doubt him. It always gives me reasons to doubt that I could still be happy and so secure in a relationship. 

So now, I deleted all. I can focus on things and people that truly care about my happiness and security. 

For anyone with D, it is very very very important for you to choose the person you have a relationship with. You should choose those that are sincere about helping you achieve happiness, a secure and doubt-free relationship. If the partner you have always makes you uneasy about his choices (befriending his exes, not introducing you to his friends, and so many more), shouts at you in public, has uncontrollable anger, disrespects older people, and any thing at all that brings out the worst in you... Move out from the relationship fast. He's no good for you. He will potentially make your condition worse. If he doesn't understand your condition no matter how many times you have tried to make him understand, it is not your fault. Just move out from the relationship. 

Waiting for Home

I have been blogging since it became so popular 10 years ago or so. But I would delete it after sometime. I just did not like (I still do!) how I keep things from the past that only remind me of how horrible I was or maybe how painful something was.

But this blog, I have had this since 2012. Since 2012, I have been believing that I am coming home. What is home for me?

Home is where peace is. Home is where true happiness lasts. Home is where right is. Home is where my God is. Home is where Jesus is. Home is where contentment is. Home is having the right one for me, the man He wants for me. Home is having children with this man. Home is living our lives all for His greater glory. Home is living our lives to make other people's lives better. Home is making Him happy.

But until now, I haven't found home. I have long been convincing myself that I am coming home and that I deserve it.

I would always tell myself, "after all that I have done for Him, after all that I have chosen for Him, after all the pain I endured for Him... I deserve to be Home with Him."

I even have my theme song. The theme song of my life's struggle...


"I'm coming home" by Skylar Grey

However, until now, I'm still in great despair finding Home. Maybe I should change the blog name from sheiscominghome to sheisfindinghome.

I was a lost sheep before. I was living my life not knowing I was a lost sheep.

Now, that He has found me... and that I found Him... that I chose Him... that He chooses me...my heart is still restless.

How come, home seems nowhere to be found? I am in despair. Everyday, I'm waiting for Home.

Listen to your body

Listening to my body is one of the things I have learned because of my Depression.

Just a while ago, while waiting for something, anxiety started to creep into me.

I felt my head as if wanting to explode, like a mini volcano starting to boil its lava. I felt my cold hands as if starting to get frozen when the night was as hot as daylight.

I looked normal. I looked perfectly calm. But I wasn't.

Then that something that I was waiting for arrived. The explosion and the coldness started to subside.

What I am trying to say is it helps anyone who has Depression to learn listening to his/her body and respect what it says. But it should not end there. The person who owns the body must learn how to pacify and put back the body in its tranquil state. You should know what could happen when the body reacts to the mental health issues.

Happiness website

Happiness explained in a scientific way -

http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/aristotle/

Acupuncture for Depression

I have just started acupuncture to treat my depression. I originally planned to have it just to reduce all the stress points in my body. However, I found out that the World Health Organization (WHO) actually recommends acupuncture fore Depression. Also, I have long wanted to stop depending on medicines. 

So, I set an appointment with an acupuncturist just within my work place making it accessible for me.

The doctor explained how different Depression is for the perspective of acupuncture. So, he said he

had to check first if I really do have it. He checked my pulses in my wrists. After a few seconds, he said, "Your psychiatrist must be good, he's right. You do have Depression." I don't know how he knew just by checking my pulses. He actually explained but I didn't understand. I just trusted him. He said, he can actually tell that my Depression has long been with me because he said it had reached my kidneys when normally Depression would only reach the heart and the lungs. 

After some talking, I was then prepared for the actual acupuncture. I lied down and felt (but not really) the needles pricking certain parts of my head, forehead, wrists, legs, and feet. It did not hurt at all. 

I don't know yet how this will affect me but I am looking forward to positive effects.

Hooray to the no-medicine lifestyle!

Being conscious

For the time that I have been writing about getting over depression, I realize that the ways to overcome it are actually very simple.

I have written about cleaning,

making art pieces,

nature-tripping, 

gardening,

running,











volunteering

eco-living,

and even spending time with loved ones

as forms of therapies.

These activities would seem ordinary for most people. But for those who are diagnosed with Depression, doing these activities would already be considered as victories. For the depressed, as simple as feeding oneself or taking a bath could be such a struggle. Going to work, doing errands, and all other normal daily tasks that would be easy in ordinary days would suddenly be such a pain to do!

So for someone who is depressed, to still carry on and do these necessary normal daily tasks is already worthy to be celebrated.

Aside from celebrating these small victories, again, do things that are therapeutic for you. When you do these, acknowledge that you are doing it to make yourself happy, to help yourself, and most importantly, to show care for yourself.

Depression has its ways to make yourself feel too bad about yourself, inflict unnecessary pain, and just slowly kill you! How depression manifests and destroys you is very important for as the cliche goes, knowledge is your best weapon.

Cleaning Therapy

I acknowledge that I need help. I know too that I cannot just bug people around me and tell them I need help. And when they found out that my need is company - they might just laugh it off.

Some needs just cannot be met.

So, today, I did one thing to help me shake off this disturbing chaos in my head.

This one thing that has always been therapeutic for me is cleaning! I love removing the dust off from surfaces, wiping them with my favorite Pledge, sweeping the floor with my broom whose strands shake like it's being tickled (Seriously, I smiled when I saw that while I was sweeping), and finally, mopping the floor with my Tornado 360 mop! This mop just made our lives so much easier - not to mention, cleaning so fun!

Now, that I am done with cleaning my little room - I will have to face again reality - that bugging disturbing chaos in my head. But at least now, I am facing it feeling a little lighter thanks to my cleaning therapy!