Where to?

Where do you start when you find yourself sliding back to the deep dark dungeon called Depression?

Feelings of worthlessness and self pity have been becoming all too close to me once again.

To  help myself, I'm reading again
my Kindle copy of "The Depression Cure".

The Royal Family for Mental Health Awareness

I love them. But now, I love them even more. Kudos to the Royal Family for their new advocacy - mental health awareness.

Watch this video.

Campaign video of Heads Together

No small victory

I always remember what I read somewhere - there is no small victory for the depressed, everything is a big victory! Being able to get up from bed, take a shower, eat healthy, go to work or do the normal routine would be normally easy. But for the depressed, doing these "normal" stuff can be a heavy burden. So, if you get to do something that would be "normal" and "easy" but you really struggled to accomplish it, celebrate it! Everyday is a good practice to think back and remember what you would find difficult to do but you did it anyway. This way, you are learning to acknowledge your "small" accomplishments.

Today, though I found it difficult to get up from bed - I got up anyway! I got up and surprisingly, I was even able to finish requirements for graduate school. To add more good news, I even got to submit them on time! These required things would be, supposedly, a normal stress for some. However, those normal stressors would be considered, high stressors already for those whose standards of themselves are too high. 

So remember, though no one recognizes you for your "small" victory because for them it is normal, there is no small victory for people like us.

Day 3 of consciously helping myself

For the past three days, I have been working hard on helping myself. What have I done?

Day 1: I deleted all my social networking sites that trigger my anxiety.
Day 2: I started this hypnotic exercise using a phone app.
Day 3: Today! I started exercising by using the treadmill.

Also today, I started looking for a detox diet that will help me feel good.

Why am I doing this?

For the nth time, I realize I got only myself to rely on to cope with the difficulties of handling my emotions, stressors, pressure, and other things.

I acknowledge that people around me try very hard to do what they can -

My family allows me to relax here in my province.

My partner tries to make me feel secure by calling me often - before work, during breaks, after work, before going to sleep.

But they are the same people that can harm me. Big time.

My family's culture of "not talking" or "communicating" emotions or thoughts makes it hard for me to open up and trust them.

My partner's connection with his past, the fact that I haven't really been introduced to his closest friends, and his tendency to lie make me anxious!

When they fall short, I get hurt ... big time hurt. You see, they are the only people that I have now.

I have lost a lot of friends since I closed my world because of the shame and uncertainty I was feeling because of my mental illness. I suddenly disconnected myself to people - many people. Even if I knew that there are some of them who would understand me.

My family and my partner are the only people that make me feel alive. Without any one of them or when the relationship turns ugly, I die... I feel like slowly dying.

I will have to learn living my life for myself ... because there's so much to look forward to even without them. They are God's gifts. They are God's. They can also be taken away from me. So, I cannot depend my happiness and my existence on them.

I will have to find a reason for my existence... with or without them.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Mental health first

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter which hurt my mental health. It hurt me before. So I deleted each one. When I got better, I activated them - only to realize now, that it can still hurt me.

There's always this one person that made me so uneasy and nervous whenever I would open my FB or IG or Twitter. It's because whenever I open any of those, I always discover something that could potentially damage our relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that. But it does. It always gives me reasons to doubt him. It always gives me reasons to doubt that I could still be happy and so secure in a relationship. 

So now, I deleted all. I can focus on things and people that truly care about my happiness and security. 

For anyone with D, it is very very very important for you to choose the person you have a relationship with. You should choose those that are sincere about helping you achieve happiness, a secure and doubt-free relationship. If the partner you have always makes you uneasy about his choices (befriending his exes, not introducing you to his friends, and so many more), shouts at you in public, has uncontrollable anger, disrespects older people, and any thing at all that brings out the worst in you... Move out from the relationship fast. He's no good for you. He will potentially make your condition worse. If he doesn't understand your condition no matter how many times you have tried to make him understand, it is not your fault. Just move out from the relationship. 

Listen to your body

Listening to my body is one of the things I have learned because of my Depression.

Just a while ago, while waiting for something, anxiety started to creep into me.

I felt my head as if wanting to explode, like a mini volcano starting to boil its lava. I felt my cold hands as if starting to get frozen when the night was as hot as daylight.

I looked normal. I looked perfectly calm. But I wasn't.

Then that something that I was waiting for arrived. The explosion and the coldness started to subside.

What I am trying to say is it helps anyone who has Depression to learn listening to his/her body and respect what it says. But it should not end there. The person who owns the body must learn how to pacify and put back the body in its tranquil state. You should know what could happen when the body reacts to the mental health issues.

Oversleeping

Sleeping is my quick fix when I am feeling emotionally pained.

Sleeping isn't bad. It only becomes bad when it's overly done that accomplishing daily normal tasks are already affected. Oversleeping is actually one of the signs that one isn't okay. So, if you notice that a family or a friend tends to oversleep, do not immediately judge that that person is lazy - observe, talk, listen without judging, and just be there.

Being conscious

For the time that I have been writing about getting over depression, I realize that the ways to overcome it are actually very simple.

I have written about cleaning,

making art pieces,

nature-tripping, 

gardening,

running,











volunteering

eco-living,

and even spending time with loved ones

as forms of therapies.

These activities would seem ordinary for most people. But for those who are diagnosed with Depression, doing these activities would already be considered as victories. For the depressed, as simple as feeding oneself or taking a bath could be such a struggle. Going to work, doing errands, and all other normal daily tasks that would be easy in ordinary days would suddenly be such a pain to do!

So for someone who is depressed, to still carry on and do these necessary normal daily tasks is already worthy to be celebrated.

Aside from celebrating these small victories, again, do things that are therapeutic for you. When you do these, acknowledge that you are doing it to make yourself happy, to help yourself, and most importantly, to show care for yourself.

Depression has its ways to make yourself feel too bad about yourself, inflict unnecessary pain, and just slowly kill you! How depression manifests and destroys you is very important for as the cliche goes, knowledge is your best weapon.

Company in Loneliness

One of the things that make me happy as a clinically depressed patient is when I get to see that I am not alone in my struggle. There's this FB group based in the Philippines that made me feel less alone. Although we are only friends virtually, I still feel comforted to know that there are those that can actually understand the illness. We share articles on how to cope with Depression or anything at all that would help any one of us in any way possible.

One of the latest articles that was shared is this - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/26/depression-frustrations_n_5692649.html

In this article, the writer simplified the many things that only people with depression could understand, such as, the meaning of "snap out of it" and how it is one of the most irritating statements often said by those who don't understand this illness.

But there's one statement in this article that I can relate the most - "There is no such thing as a little victory."

It went on saying that "There are no little victories because every accomplishment is a big victory." The simple act of getting up from the bed is already an accomplishment for me. I can totally relate and it actually feels good to know that that simple act should be treated as a big victory.

The past few weeks have not been very good to me. I literally drag myself out of the bed, choose repetitive old clothes for work, drive my way out of the apartment, walk towards the classroom, and face students as if everything's perfectly fine inside me. There's a lot of pretending or acting that I have been doing. But every time that I get to finish a day's work - I totally, totally, congratulate myself for it. Now, it feels good to know that what I do - congratulating myself - is actually a good thing.


There are many other websites that will surely help. But belonging to a group, even if it's only through a Facebook group, makes fighting Depression less lonely.

Two deaths in One day

Definitely not everyone understands mental illnesses. Surely, not all the time we can explain ourselves - about our mental illness, our struggles, our fights, and the stigma we have to live with - that we are weak, we just lack attention, or worse, we are crazy.

This reality about our struggle has what probably made Robin Williams and one college student take their own lives. This news about what seems to be apparent cases of suicide happened in one day. Two deaths in one day had to make sense to me in the midst of my crazy and heavy work demands.

Reports of suicide because of severe, mild or even clinical depression bother me a lot. It bothers me in the sense that in this noisy but lonely world, there's always that one person who we know or not know, that has to go through all the difficult processes of fighting depression. It bothers me to know that this person is even known to make people happy. It bothers me to know that there's probably nobody making him happy when he needs a slice of happiness. It bothers me that seemingly, there will never be a solution to mental illnesses. It bothers me that there's no choice but to struggle. And when the person gives up, he or she would be called weak. And in death, that person is still negatively judged - this bothers me! How cruel the world can be.

Listen to your body

It's funny how I can know when I am actually feeling stressed. It's not the typical signs like feeling irritable or getting angry easily. I know I am stressed when there's this excruciating pain at the left side of my stomach. It feels like that part of my stomach is held tightly and then squeezed.

I first learned about it last year when I was facing my older brother and his wife who had hurt me (maybe, unintentionally) before. I felt it again when I was with my whole family, having dinner, and supposedly having fun. That restaurant was in a place where I had many traumatic experiences.

When I realized that I felt that pain more often than before, then, I did a self-check. I checked when it would occur to me. That's when I found out that, it would come visit me when I am in a stressful situation.

Today, I have confirmed (for the nth time) that it's really stress-induced because of two things that happened to me. The first event was when I faced my class and saw on their faces that they could not enjoy the play they were watching because of the poor audio quality, that pain in my stomach struck me. It was a simple problem. It was a problem beyond my control but still, I felt stressed. What I did, I just talked to myself and told myself that "It's beyond your control. Relax. It's not your fault." But you see, there's another voice that would tell me, "You could have foreseen that. You could have avoided that."

Another situation today when I felt that pain was when I was conversing with a staff who was talking about the requirements to be an early childhood education teacher. The staff was very easy to talk to actually, her voice was lovely that it would make you want to talk more, and our topic wasn't a matter of life and death. The topic of our conversation just had something to do with my future. But in the midst of our telephone conversation, I felt that stomach pain again.

It's also a frequent visitor during driving. So, what I would do is, breathe in and out in the midst of that stressful situation.

This visitor, if I don't recognize it, can evolve into an outrage. Like there was one time, when I went out from the car and shouted out this motorcycle driver because he accidentally hit the right side of the car. Just a few minutes before that incident, a traffic enforcer hailed us (me and my company) because of a traffic violation. When he got my friend's license, I did not react. I was just quiet. But you see, an hour or so before that traffic violation incident, my friend kept on raising his voice and cursing other drivers on the road. He wouldn't shout at them. He would just shout it at me, his only company in the car. I told him calmly many times to stop but he did not. So what happened next? I expressed my silent anger towards that motorcycle driver who I could have faced civilly.

So, it's very important for me and those who can barely manage stress to recognize these situations that stress us out. If we don't recognize it, it comes out in a monstrous way.

This pain is actually a blessing in disguise. It serves like an "alert" signal that warns me to slow down, relax, and breathe.

Stress is one cause of Depression. Knowing what stresses the Depressed is very important. And sometimes, to know what causes it, you just have to listen to your body.















Photo Credits:

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1262332/thumbs/o-STOMACH-ACHE-facebook.jpg

http://static.squarespace.com/static/51b0af4de4b03cb960ebd366/51b0b0f8e4b0fd0e63f4a708/521e5d95e4b07ebedcb46a0d/1377730631105/listen1.jpg?format=1000w

Scheduling to help the Depressed

Structure or a planned schedule in the day of the person suffering from Depression, according to medical studies, helps the Depressed.

The body, studies say, tends to act better when it follows a routine. When there's a routine followed, there is more balance in the chemicals (maybe) in the brain.

So, the following basic needs should be scheduled (follows a specific time for every day): sleep, meals, snacks, taking in of medicines, exercise, and maybe even, some quiet time - like praying or meditating.

I know this sounds like stifling. Even I, myself, who tried it really felt suffocated and felt like unable to enjoy the day.

Resources and outside support seem to be too little for us. So, maybe, we can only do with what we have - that is, set a specific time for these basic needs that seem too trivial but actually crucial in uplifting our mood.

Some of you are probably lucky to have company at home who can remind you about these mundane stuff. But for those who live alone, following strictly a schedule requires extra effort.

Stigmatized

This blog is already two years old. But I never had the courage to share this to my family and friends. There were times that I would attempt to put the URL site to my Instagram and Twitter accounts but after a short while, I would delete it.

The reason for not making this publicly known to my circle of friends is quite obvious. I am afraid to be (mis)judged. The stigma many people have attached for mental illnesses is something I am not ready to publicly break. I am a member of a respectable family. I am a teacher by profession. I am part of a supposedly "normal" world where only "normal" people are accepted. And to be part of this judgmental world where eccentric actuations such as getting angry in the public, being anxious when surrounded by people, getting obsessive-compulsive about something trivial, or feeling extremely sad for no reason are considered as MADNESS, it is difficult to move your way around and tell everyone, "Stop judging! You don't know and will probably never know how it would feel to be in their situation!" Because when you do just that, you may be called as also mad. Sad, right?

What's even more sad is when you can only start understanding them when a member of your family or your loved one is a victim of such a mental illness that led to suicide. Take this story for an example:

CNN Article: I was an accomplice to my brother's suicide

In the article, mental illness was something the sister took seriously only when her brother was already gone.

It's probably an insane dream where the world just seems more accepting and less judgmental of mental illnesses.

But still, I look forward to that day, when I can write a book about my own fight against depression and not be afraid of being judged by my own family and loved ones.

Depression and Career

Lately, I have become more open to sharing my story of my illness to some colleagues and friends who I think are open-minded and understanding. There's one common question I got from my different circles of friends, "Good thing your job did not get affected." The thing is, it did affect my job. Big time.

When I started taking my medicines, I did not know what to expect for the side effects. My former doctor did not really warn me. Good thing my mom is a pharmacist and she researched on the medicine. There were many listed side effects. But which of those would affect me, we did not know yet.

Yawning was one funny side effect of the medicine. I would yawn at the unlikely time of the day. I would yawn when I was not really feeling sleepy. I would yawn, yawn, and yawn. Yawn at the average of 10 times in one hour. It was so unusual that I felt my facial muscles really feeling stretched out. It had the kind of muscle pain that anyone would feel after some stretching. 

The worse effect came out in my teaching. There were many times I'd pause in the middle of a lecture because I'd suddenly feel dazed - like my mind is going to hibernate. I would stutter and get really lost for words and even ideas because my mind would slow down, and eventually freeze. Those times, I thought it was just me. There was just something wrong about me. But in retrospect and now that my body has adjusted to the medicine, I learned that it was all because of the medicine.

Right now, I would still have those side effects. But my body and mind seemed to have adjusted already. I learned the best time to take the medicine so it wouldn't have its bad effects during my teaching. I learned to listen to my body and give what my body says. If my body would feel really sleepy, I'll give her sleep. If I feel like I could not really drive, then I wouldn't drive.

The illness should not be taken lightly when choosing or managing a career. 

nature therapy

Days just got lonelier. Tears incessantly flowed from my eyes as I struggled to explain myself to a friend that "I am just not feeling okay," that my med side effect had one of its worst hit on me that I could not see and think clearly, that I can barely move.

The next day, when I opened my eyes, I resolved to make plans for myself - one of which is to make myself happy. I decided to go the local park I have been long wanted to go to. Alone. I was alone. It would seem or look sad to be alone but I prepped myself to be okay to be alone. I knew that to be alone means moving according to my own pace, without someone telling me to move faster and go home immediately. More importantly, doing things alone just to make myself happy means I am learning to not depend my happiness on anyone - not my family, not my boyfriend. I enjoyed the nature tripping. I walked along the pavements, enjoyed the sight of the luscious trees, and simply felt, alive and okay.

Most of the park visitors were the common people - families, friends, and lovers. But what I admired most were the families who brought their kids and let them play under the sun and enjoy the nature. I enjoyed watching them and eavesdropping their conversations. As I continued walking around the park (there was no map so I just followed where my footsteps would take me), I saw the sanctuaries for eagles! It was unusual for me to see those birds.

Philippine Hawk Eagle

White-bellied sea eagle

Philippine Serpent-eating Eagle

The park was actually simple and not really popular. But I am grateful that it is still there and open to the public. For only Php8.00 for the entrance fee and Php15.00 for the parking, it is definitely a good escape for those who need breathing space, solitude, and life.

defeated for the day

Depression is bullshit.

No matter how hard she tries to fight it, she still breaks down. She takes her meds, she does her exercise, she tries to sleep early, she talks to people, and she smiles.

But when there are times, she's alone and all by herself ... that dark and heavy feeling would start crawling into her again. She would fight. Sometimes, she would win. She would paint and listen to music. If none of those is available, and it's a human being she needs to be with, she would feel defeated.

So, one night, she got an invitation to meet old friends. She met up with them in a bar. Bottles of beer filled the long table while the air was filled with smoke from the cigars. They were all in a drinking spree. In the midst of this, was a duo on stage singing songs to entertain them while they were supposed to enjoy their songs while talking (maybe, shouting) to each other. Oh, she was excited to see and experience that kind of environment once again. She thought to herself, "this is what I need!" She was offered a bottle of beer. But of course, she declined. The good girl that she is, the woman that she is who wants to take good care of herself and make sure she would be cured from her mental illness, declined that bottle of beer.

Suddenly, that dazed, heavy feeling knocked her head. She didn't fall down. She was still fighting that feeling while she was talking and listening to her old friends' stories. She was having a great time with them! But inside her, that feeling was shouting at her and telling her to go home and just sleep and feel defeated.

These are the happy times that she wouldn't want to miss but she would have to miss because her mind cannot just take in too much noise and too many things going on at the same time. It was surely fun but her mind probably felt shocked.

She went home. She slept. The next day when she woke up, that feeling - dazed and heavy on her head was still in her.

She still went on with her usual day. She forgot to take her meds before leaving home. She could just have missed the medicine for the day but she chose not too because she was already starting to feel restless, sad, and just spaced out. She dropped by at the nearest drug store and continued with her day.

Just like any Prozac, it made her feel sleepy. She was in a middle of lecture listening to a master when her head could not just help but fall asleep. Her eyes were closing and her hand that was writing notes, dropped the notebook.

She thought she could still handle the day. She diverted her attention. She thought she could look forward to spending the rest of the day with her friend. They could watch a movie together. But, he wasn't available.

She went home and slept for four straight hours. Sleeping that long in the afternoon doesn't do her good. But sleep was her only escape from feeling too much sadness.


She woke up and still felt sad.

She went to the mall and still felt sad.

She went home and still felt sad.

She started writing this, feeling sad.

The power of two hands

I was already feeling that voice of sadness whispering in my head when my boyfriend left for home.

"You're alone, again" said that voice. It kept nagging at me. I closed my eyes, took a plunge onto my bed and entertained that voice. I told her, "So you're there again. Just because I'm physically alone, you're already taking advantage of my vulnerability."

And I knew then, that self-talk, that self-awareness that I was starting to feel sad, that I had to do something.

And I did. I forced myself up from the bed. I looked around me. A messy vanity table. And that buzzing vibrating sound from the aquarium's oxygen.

The sight and the sound that irritated me became my reason for my cleaning therapy. Yes, cleaning is also a therapy.

I haven't had my talk therapy for two months already. So I knew I had to make my way to help myself. An incident almost two months ago sort of pulled me back from getting my talk therapy. That's a different story.

So, I helped myself. I got my hands that cleaned the mess and removed the irritating sound . I also got my heart that desired to help myself.

My still living and breathing self and the desire to help that self... powerful.

What it takes to treat Depression

Colored my room with happy colors. Decorated it with bright colors. Was given the treadmill. Now, taking care some fish and a dog.

These are some of my ways to combat depression. Happy bright colors help uplifting the mood. Treadmill , of course, assists in exercising. Fish in an aquarium and a dog are known to be good helpers to de-stress.

But none of these now help me.

 The treadmill has just been a display since my ankle and knee injury. Stress is just way too much. Not one in my family knows that I might be having a relapse (I fear they might just shrug it off). One person knows but he is probably too happy in his life that he doesn't seem to know the impact of this on me and on our relationship. My cousin does not know because I fear she would worry. Now, I am left on my own. 

Tomorrow, I will officially start owning my fight against depression. I will not depend on anyone except my doctors and therapist, of course (glad there are people like them who still understand). I will do what it takes and what I can so I would not relapse. Depression in itself is just causing too much on me physically, emotionally and mentally. But the cost of treating it is even worse! 

Relapse

Relapse also happens for the clinically depressed.

Read this.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/top-relapse-triggers-for-depression-how-to-prevent-them/00016565