In the midst of happiness

When someone is depressed, she could be feeling that she what she is feeling is so powerful that there's no way that it can be defeated. There's like this uncontrollable force that brings the depressed person down. No amount of laughters and happiness around her could bring her mood up.

That's just how I felt the entire duration of the Holy Week when the family was complete, my nieces and nephews were happily playing and laughing their hearts out, and everything just seemed so light and easy. 

It seems there is this heavy burden on my shoulder trying to pull me down, and it seems more powerful than my will power to think that I have no reason to be so low. At the end of the day, I would force myself to sleep and convince myself that I need to relax my mind from too much thinking and self-pitying. 

Good thing though that I recognize that I was not feeling all right. I let myself feel bad. I knew too that I had to tell someone. So I told someone and he suggested ways how I could feel better. I kinda followed his suggestions. 

I talked to my brother as my friend suggested. I told my brother my worries and anxieties about work. It's funny though that we live in one compound and his family home is just a few steps aways but we communicated through email. I am still not used to talking openly to my brother, to any of my brothers.

It sure feels good to let someone in the family know my anxieties. But it really doesn't solve anything.

I wanna find my place. I wanna know where I belong. I wanna know who I am becoming. 

But I don't have fast and easy answers. They say, I just gotta be patient, figure out where God is redirecting me. But being patient still leads me more to questions - until when should I wait? how do I know that this God's will for me? how strong should I be?