That bee

It's amazing how even a bee helped my thoughts steer away from feelings of self-pity. 

I woke up one morning with my mind fresh from the happy celebratory mood that the news of my brother's appointment as judge brought. But with that joy, was also a feeling of questioning - "What have I done to bring pride and honor to my family?" (You see all my siblings are respected in their own fields!) Of course, being uncertain about many things and not knowing what my life is for, I started feeling anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was conscious that I was starting to think of negative thoughts so I went to my mother's garden to water her plants and of course, to help me think of only good things. 

As I was watering the plants, the negative thoughts were still lingering in my head. I felt really terrible about myself that tears were prepping to fall. But before my tears could even fall, a buzzing sound was surrounding my left ear! A bee briefly buzzed near my left ear that I didn't get to cry! I laughed after that buzz. I thought how even a bee would help me divert my thoughts into something positive. 

On perfection and certainty

Nothing can be perfect in this world. We will always find fault in every little thing - how impolite some people can be, how poor the government is in providing basic needs for all, how hot the sun is, how there is too much rain... 

And yet we still strive for perfection. As we strive for perfection, we want the result to be certain - that it can be perfect. Whatever "it" is. 

But there is nothing certain in life, as well. Only death is.  

So what now? 

Wanting perfection and certainty in life, I think, can cause the downfall of a person... More so of a person diagnosed with depression. 

I know of people who bid farewell to this life at their own cause because they felt too frustrated with life - an imperfect and uncertain life. 

This want of perfection and certainty is one huge thing that we all (depressed or not) need to let go. 

How do we live then if we know that nothing can be perfect and certain? 

That I do not know yet. 

One small voice tells me "that's why you long to be with someone, so you can face life's imperfection and uncertainty together with the person who also experiences the same in this world ... And life becomes less harsh, less lonely, and more like life..." 

Road to forgiveness

There are times or moments when you can't help but be reminded how much you were wronged. 

That moment when you are reminded how some people or one particular person treated you so bad that you fell into depression? Or that one person who took advantage of your vulnerability, manipulated you to get what he wanted? Or that one person who looked at you as if you're a low form of human being? 

It can be very depressing remembering how bad you were treated. It can be worse when you remember how you always treated them right and despite that you were still wronged. 

How do you move forward with such reminders? How do you forgive when you can clearly remember the pain? 

These reminders can pull us back farther from peace. Or they can push us forward to a road of forgiveness - a road where there would still be signs of the pains of the past but you move forward anyway. You are reminded to slow down because of the pain but still you move forward. You see signs that tell you you can go as fast 100 kph. And so you go that fast. Then, another reminder, another sign to slow down... for you are about to pay still, pay and spend your time, resources and energy so you can move forward. This you do even if you think you don't have to pay... You've suffered enough anyway, why pay more? But you still pay anyway because you want to move forward. You want to reach your destination - peace. 

Onwards to happiness

Yesterday was terrible and I mean - that kind of day when I didn't do anything productive or anything that will push me forward towards my goal (whatever it is!).

Good thing that the MoodMaster App I've been using to help me in my condition is really helping. I have featured it here already but for everyday that I am using it, I find something that's truly helpful.




One of the things that helps me is the advice to keep a record of what I do every hour. I know it sounds tedious but it makes sense. After a day's record, you review what you do every hour. You think and decide if the hours were well spent or they simply pulled you back towards a depressive mood. I've just started recording of what I do today and I hope I can be consistent in doing this.

Another is the relaxation exercise that is also part of the App. There are three types of relaxation exercise included in the app: the focused breathing, guided imagery, and muscle relaxation. I have tried the first two.

When I applied the first relaxation which is the focused breathing before I slept because I felt that my mind was agitated (as always), I, thankfully, got to sleep right away. For this exercise, you are just asked to be more aware of your breathing - if it's like running after something, or it's shortened like you're forgetting to breathe, or something else. I did it, becoming more aware of my breathing. I noticed that my breathing last night before I slept was rather fast - like it's running after something. I thought about it and realized that I was once again, thinking too much even before I sleep.

The second guided imagery is literally making use of your imagination. You are asked to imagine of a place that you have always found very relaxing. And let the place take you away. What I like about this I was asked to go to a happy place - my favorite happy place where I found myself most relaxed. I remembered my vacation at a beach where I just let my body be surrounded by the water.

I am happy that I'm progressing towards happiness (I hope). I can say this because I find myself really finding ways to:

1. steer away from negative thoughts
2. take good care of my physical health as my self-image really affects how I feel towards myself and how I treat others

Watch your thoughts

I am glad that I am more in touch with myself - at least that's what I claim to believe. And believing in what I tell myself is what I am going to talk about. 

For so many years, recent years, I realize just now, that I have been torturing myself by thinking all the negative things about myself. By now, after the x number of years that I have been torturing myself through the powerful negative self talk, I should be dead. 

Yes, if negative self-talk can kill, I would be dead by now. 

What are these negative self-talks? These are talks that belittle myself, that make me feel unworthy of love and respect, that I can never be somebody, that I am the worst child of my parents, that I am the only one of our siblings who is not and cannot be successful, that I can never be the right one for someone, that I am not worthy at all to be alive... 

The list goes on and on... 

I guess treating myself bad and looking at myself as if I am the worst person that ever lived has become a habit of my thoughts. And I'm sayin it again, it's killing me, my possible bright future, and a possible good life. 

Just what happened? I used to be the most optimistic person. My friends from before would tell me that and I believe it. 

I guess my painful experiences have made me believe that I can never move forward, that I will remain a pitiful sinner who never forgave herself. 

With God's grace, I learned to choose the right but even after doing so, I felt I was still being punished. I endured. And now I'm still alive. I'm alive but still so uncertain, uncertain of the future - if I would still be fooled, lied upon, manipulated, disrespected, and unloved (there goes my negative self-talk again... I can't help it. It's hard to let it go!). 

Steering myself away from thoughts that slowly kill me is what I will have to consciously and unconsciously do. I will have to watch my thoughts. I remember, we were told to watch our words, I guess they forgot to tell us to also watch our thoughts. 

How do I do this? 

1. Stay with positive people. 

2. Choose people who sincerely want your happiness and success. 

3. Just choose happy and positive self-talks. 

Good luck to me! I know I will learn more as I struggle to change how I think. 

Pushing people away

Honor your feelings. 

Most of the time, we are told not to be too emotional. Sure, that's right. However, I argue that there are moments we have to learn to honor our feelings. 

If you feel tired, try not to push yourself more. That feeling of exhaustion is your body's way of telling you to get some well deserved rest. 

But there are feelings we try to pretend that do not exist. We simply dismiss these feelings because we are afraid to confront them. What am I trying to say? These feelings, if acknowledged, might cause confrontations or simply, discomfort. 

Like for example, one time, I felt that I was being too snobbish towards my mommy. I felt that I was pushing her away. I had been feeling it but I was dismissing it as something natural between a mother and her daughter. 

But I also felt guilty. I asked myself how come I was like that towards her. Many reasons came out - maybe I was pushing her away because I knew that no matter what I would do, I would be her least favorite and I was (and still am!) already feeling tired of trying too hard to please her; or maybe because I have been her biggest mistake, raising me was a mistake; or maybe because I know that all I cause her is trouble. 

And I do not want to be all that to her. I only want to treat her good, give her all the best but right now, I could not seem to give it to her... Instead, she's the one who still has to help me. Seeing her, being with her remind me of what I could not be for her. It frustrates me that I cannot be what her other children are to her. And so I hate myself. 

And so I just push her away so I would not be reminded of what I want to give her but cannot give her. 

No small victory

I always remember what I read somewhere - there is no small victory for the depressed, everything is a big victory! Being able to get up from bed, take a shower, eat healthy, go to work or do the normal routine would be normally easy. But for the depressed, doing these "normal" stuff can be a heavy burden. So, if you get to do something that would be "normal" and "easy" but you really struggled to accomplish it, celebrate it! Everyday is a good practice to think back and remember what you would find difficult to do but you did it anyway. This way, you are learning to acknowledge your "small" accomplishments.

Today, though I found it difficult to get up from bed - I got up anyway! I got up and surprisingly, I was even able to finish requirements for graduate school. To add more good news, I even got to submit them on time! These required things would be, supposedly, a normal stress for some. However, those normal stressors would be considered, high stressors already for those whose standards of themselves are too high. 

So remember, though no one recognizes you for your "small" victory because for them it is normal, there is no small victory for people like us.

Tears along NLEX

Suddenly in the midst of a boring, humid and grayish greenish road of North Luzon expressway, in the midst of my own driving that even my eyes are too bored to be awake, emotions that have been unworded for a long time now since I don't know started to become tears. Could it be that the unsure scene along the roads made me feel more? Could it be my own mother, sitting at the passenger's side? Those were tears of helplessness, I know. Those were tears of wanting to be the right one for someone, for my family, for my career, for some people, somewhere... Those were tears that have long wanted to fall. 

Dreaming again!

I was watching this travel documentary show of GMA featuring Kenya when I stopped what I was doing and focused my attention on the show. Then, I realized how any travel show would make me pause and marvel at the vastness and beauty of the world. I remember when I was in my teens and had the vigor and optimism to dream, I would always tell myself that I'm a traveller and that I would love to see every country of the world. Then, that dream faded away.

It took one show to remind me of my dream. I lingered on my dream and continued imagining myself traveling... With my lifetime partner - my husband (and with our children). I started picturing me and my husband going to one country every year for our wedding anniversary or whatever reason. I just want us to see the world together. Then, later on, when our children are mature enough to appreciate the beauty of the world, we will bring our children in all our travels. I want my family to be a traveling family. 

I want to do this not to brag or show off, but to see and experience for ourselves how amazing Our Creator is, how small we are in the bigger scheme of things, how little our problem is compared to the vast beauty we have... 

While I was thinking about this, I thought to myself, "Glad, I'm dreaming again!" To make this dream clearer, these are the countries I would like to visit with my husband: 

#1 in my list is Japan. I read about this temple in Kyoto. Since then, I became intrigued and I haven't stopped dreaming about going there and see for myself what I read in the novel, "The Temple of Golden Pavilion"

 #2 is Russia. It's a big country, I know. And I don't know that much about Russia. The fact that I don't know a lot about it except for the hat the Princess Sarah (cartoon shown in Philippines) makes me so interested. I feel that Russia is a country full of mysteries. I would like to feel the mystery for myself. To start with the tour there, we can go to Moscow first. 

#3 is Scotland. Since, I've been watching this tv series "Reign" which is about Mary, the Queen of Scots, I think that Scotland is the best place to start the European Tour. The picture below is the Edinburgh Castle in Scotland. 

I hope writing my dream is the start of making my dreams become a reality. 

Just dream. 

The need for routine

It's weird that today I uttered only a few words. I think that people in this house, my parent's house, could count the number of words I spoke. Nothing is wrong. I was just really more pensive today.

I could be very quiet but my mind is very loud. It's one thing about me.

Anyway, to help myself today, I was trying to establish some routine in my everyday stay here. It's vacation. And I don't have strict schedule to follow. But I know that for anyone like me, we need some routine. So, what have I come up with so far?

1. Cook/Eat breakfast
2. Rest a little
3. Hypnotic exercise
4. Physical exercise (treadmill_
5. Rest and pray

These last only for half a day. The other half of the day, I haven't made any routine.

The child's way

Something good will come out today. I know. Or better, something good will come out from all my sacrifices, struggles, and resolution to choose what's right. 

At last something positive after a long while of being so down! 

That, I thought after my 3 year old nephew wrapped his small arm around me when he felt scared because of the story I was reading to him. We were sitting side by side, reading a children's story entitled "Si Ching na takot sa dilim" when suddenly he put his right arm around my tummy. He looked seriously scared. Oh how it felt good! How it felt good to have someone make you feel like you can make him feel secure, like everything will be okay because you are there with him. 

I'm blogging this so I will forever remember this moment that a child made me feel I'm needed, I'm wanted, I'm enough. 

the wisdom in forced

I was browsing through the blog of this woman I have been admiring for her class and natural happy personality when I thought that, while, most women or ladies would be blogging about their latest finds, travels, escapades, fashion finds, etc... I am blogging about how I'm getting through with my condition. Blogging about one's struggle to keep her sanity, her happiness, and her journey to find her home is not such a welcome topic. I am assuming that, naturally, people would prefer to read articles with positive tone. My blog is not entirely positive... it's more of a mix of all possible human emotions. In this blog, I am showing how some people are naturally predisposed or "wired" to be happy... that for some, happiness is an effort.

Speaking of effort, today, I had to do a lot of mental talk to convince myself to get up, take a bath, get out of the house, play with my nephew, drive for parents, read a good novel, eat healthy, and show that little smile to people I used to see often in my former work.

I was successful. It sounds a small feat, but, I consider it a big victory already.

The most difficult part in winning today's battle is showing my smile and acknowledge familiar faces I used to work with. My smile was such a forced smile. I mean, if I could just pretend that I didn't see them, I would. Why? I'm afraid that they would sense the change in me - I used to be jolly, happy, cheerful but now, I can't even give them a happy smile. And I'm afraid that they will think I'm not becoming a happy, gracious woman... instead, I'm becoming a wrathful woman. Oh, why am I so concerned about what they think about me?

I really don't know how to end today's blog. I hope someone can do it for me.

not so good day.

It's no good today.

I slept during my hypnotic exercise.
I slept for more than 2 hours in the morning.
I slept for another 2 hours in the afternoon.

I started arranging my vanity stuff but didn't finish.

But the good thing is I started my detox diet.

It's kind of weakening that I don't get to eat what I like to eat - sweet, salty, and all that fattening.

But I still got to start it. I hope to continue with it.

Maybe when I am slim enough, people will start to look at me and take me seriously, like I have something to offer to the world, like I have worth, like I can be worth loving.

And just now, tears just started to pour for reasons I still don't know.

Day 3 of consciously helping myself

For the past three days, I have been working hard on helping myself. What have I done?

Day 1: I deleted all my social networking sites that trigger my anxiety.
Day 2: I started this hypnotic exercise using a phone app.
Day 3: Today! I started exercising by using the treadmill.

Also today, I started looking for a detox diet that will help me feel good.

Why am I doing this?

For the nth time, I realize I got only myself to rely on to cope with the difficulties of handling my emotions, stressors, pressure, and other things.

I acknowledge that people around me try very hard to do what they can -

My family allows me to relax here in my province.

My partner tries to make me feel secure by calling me often - before work, during breaks, after work, before going to sleep.

But they are the same people that can harm me. Big time.

My family's culture of "not talking" or "communicating" emotions or thoughts makes it hard for me to open up and trust them.

My partner's connection with his past, the fact that I haven't really been introduced to his closest friends, and his tendency to lie make me anxious!

When they fall short, I get hurt ... big time hurt. You see, they are the only people that I have now.

I have lost a lot of friends since I closed my world because of the shame and uncertainty I was feeling because of my mental illness. I suddenly disconnected myself to people - many people. Even if I knew that there are some of them who would understand me.

My family and my partner are the only people that make me feel alive. Without any one of them or when the relationship turns ugly, I die... I feel like slowly dying.

I will have to learn living my life for myself ... because there's so much to look forward to even without them. They are God's gifts. They are God's. They can also be taken away from me. So, I cannot depend my happiness and my existence on them.

I will have to find a reason for my existence... with or without them.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Mental health first

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter which hurt my mental health. It hurt me before. So I deleted each one. When I got better, I activated them - only to realize now, that it can still hurt me.

There's always this one person that made me so uneasy and nervous whenever I would open my FB or IG or Twitter. It's because whenever I open any of those, I always discover something that could potentially damage our relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that. But it does. It always gives me reasons to doubt him. It always gives me reasons to doubt that I could still be happy and so secure in a relationship. 

So now, I deleted all. I can focus on things and people that truly care about my happiness and security. 

For anyone with D, it is very very very important for you to choose the person you have a relationship with. You should choose those that are sincere about helping you achieve happiness, a secure and doubt-free relationship. If the partner you have always makes you uneasy about his choices (befriending his exes, not introducing you to his friends, and so many more), shouts at you in public, has uncontrollable anger, disrespects older people, and any thing at all that brings out the worst in you... Move out from the relationship fast. He's no good for you. He will potentially make your condition worse. If he doesn't understand your condition no matter how many times you have tried to make him understand, it is not your fault. Just move out from the relationship. 

Waiting for Home

I have been blogging since it became so popular 10 years ago or so. But I would delete it after sometime. I just did not like (I still do!) how I keep things from the past that only remind me of how horrible I was or maybe how painful something was.

But this blog, I have had this since 2012. Since 2012, I have been believing that I am coming home. What is home for me?

Home is where peace is. Home is where true happiness lasts. Home is where right is. Home is where my God is. Home is where Jesus is. Home is where contentment is. Home is having the right one for me, the man He wants for me. Home is having children with this man. Home is living our lives all for His greater glory. Home is living our lives to make other people's lives better. Home is making Him happy.

But until now, I haven't found home. I have long been convincing myself that I am coming home and that I deserve it.

I would always tell myself, "after all that I have done for Him, after all that I have chosen for Him, after all the pain I endured for Him... I deserve to be Home with Him."

I even have my theme song. The theme song of my life's struggle...


"I'm coming home" by Skylar Grey

However, until now, I'm still in great despair finding Home. Maybe I should change the blog name from sheiscominghome to sheisfindinghome.

I was a lost sheep before. I was living my life not knowing I was a lost sheep.

Now, that He has found me... and that I found Him... that I chose Him... that He chooses me...my heart is still restless.

How come, home seems nowhere to be found? I am in despair. Everyday, I'm waiting for Home.