Pia Wurtzbach in each one of us

Miss Universe 2015, Pia Wurtzbach posted this on Instagram -

It started making sense to her. Maybe she meant all her struggles, her three tries to get to where she is now.

I feel so much for people like her - for people who struggled a lot and finally saw the reasons for everything. I look up to them. I want to find out how they did it. I know the answers must be - "Never give up, never give up your dreams, just keep believing, etc."

What else did they do? Aside from mentally psyching themselves? I'm asking these questions because none of the things that happened to me make sense, still. I still am finding out why those had to happen. Why? I wanna know and feel that all the struggles to choose what is right are all worth it. And for now, I see no reason why those pains are worth it.

I was once like her -

Pia Wurtzbach was once remembered by her statement in Star Magic Philippines (an agency for actors and actresses in ABS-CBN) that she will be one day Miss Universe. She also tweeted one time after Gilas Pilipinas lost in a game that "...babawi tayo sa Miss Universe.''

I remember before saying to my family that when people see me, "Uy, si (my name) yun" (in a delighted and amazed tone, of course). I said that when we were in the car and we saw on the sidewalk near ABS-CBN a news anchor walking. I knew how to psyche myself.

I also did dream of becoming the first lady governor or the first lady mayor of my town. Yes, I wanted to be a politician. I don't know what happened. My trials made me lose confidence in myself. I stopped trying. I stopped believing in myself. Eventually, what I thought and how I perceived myself probably reflected so much in my actions that people around me would also look down on me. I accepted those moments when they would treat me like I'm worthless. I didn't care. I got hurt, of course. But I just accepted that I'm really worthless anyway. For a looooong time, I lived with that. I think, I still live with that. But slowly, I'm trying to change what I think and how I perceive myself. I want to bring back my confidence and faith in myself. If I had those before, I want to even level it up.

Never giving up - 

Her win would probably mean so many different things for different people. But for me, she is one proof that determination to continue struggling, trying, and believing in one's dream can lead to its realization.

The realization of one's dream cannot be achieved without ardent prayers and surrounding with people who believe in you. So I guess, no, I believe, that with one's determination, faith, and being with the right people can lead to one's success.

Thanks to this Miss Universe 2015. It was not only a venue to showcase a woman's inner beauty. It also ignited so many dying spirits in women.

On where we probably got the habit of comparing ourselves

I think we all had that moment in our childhood when the elders would say, "Gawin mo yan, tingnan mo si (your cousin's/sibling's/anyone's name here) kaya gawin, ikaw hindi? or "Ay do this, would you like to be like (your cousin's/sibling's/anyone's name here) na hindi nya alam/gawin? Diba ayaw, kaya gawin mo na." All these things have made us somehow look to others to compare ourselves, if we're good enough or if we're simply enough. I don't think it did us good. So now that we're older, we get that habit of doing something because we just gotta be better than others or we just gotta beat the rest. And this has only become worse because of Facebook and other social media platforms.

There's nothing bad about wanting to be the best. But to the point of thinking that we are far superior than others? I don't think that is good.

Sometimes, we can't blame our elders because the unthinking, narrow-minded sector of the society would treat people depending on how "the best" you are. "The best" in this context refers to those people who supposedly studied longer - doctors, priests, lawyers, etc. The longer your name is with all those titles, the better because that means the more that you will be respected. Never mind if you don't pay your taxes as a doctor. Never mind if you sexually abuse your followers. Never mind if you can be bribed. Just as long as you have the title, you should be respected. Respect is earned not because of what you do as a human being or how you good you treat others, but because of what comes with your name.

And this is the sad, very sad reality that we live in. This very sad reality is the reality that our parents want to spare us from. So what happens? They push us to our limits, to be the best ... even to the point that comparing ourselves with others is their way to motivate us.

Running for life

How have I been? Self-check is very important - not just for the Depressed but to any one. Why? Self-check allows you to think about your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional state. It does not only require thinking, but also feeling.

With regard to my state of happiness, I am happy that I've been working so hard to keep myself sanely happy by doing yoga and running. These replaced my pills. And I'm glad I try so hard to commit myself to these two physical activities that I try to make sure that I build my daily schedule around it. Even more so that I really have to shed off the pounds I gained from taking the anti-depressant pills that could also have contributed to my weight gain. 

In fact, yesterday I did a 10-K run at the 39th Milo Marathon! I was and still extremely happy that I finished it. I thought that I wouldn't be able to. At 2K, I was already feeling like wanting to give up. I was looking around me and trying to find a place where I could just hide and tell my boyfriend (who also ran and went ahead of me) to pick me up there after the run. The feeling was made even worse when I realized that the marathon marshals on their bikes were behind me which meant that I was the last person!

But I went on. I continued. I do not remember anymore what was going on inside my mind that made me continue. I guess the run-walk interval helped. The run-walk didn't put too much pressure on me - just the right pressure to make me finish. Also, I kept on convincing myself that I want to be known as the "finisher" - that one person who finishes something that I start - be it on running or any project  or academic-related work. I was looking for many reasons to continue running - aside from my thoughts, I saw the reasons to run in the old - that lolo and lola who were way older than me but were running! Also, I tried to pace my running with this couple whose speed were probably just the same as mine. Running with these two made running feel less lonely. 

I realized that running is very similar to life - sometimes, you just feel like wanting to give up because you're already feeling weak and you're way behind others anyway. But, because you choose to go on, you do everything to find all the reasons to continue. Until you reach that point where you can somehow easily continue no matter how hard it is or how weak you already feel. And when you reach the finish line - you realize, wow... you can really do it! With positive thinking and choosing to stay strong, everything is possible! 

Adjustment

September 30, 2015 marked that day when Doctor told me he's liberating me from my meds. Of course, I looked forward to that day when I could be happy naturally - you know without the help of any medication. Freeing me from medicines after three years is a huge victory on my part! I know that even if with medication and I still wouldn't help myself, I wouldn't be a-okay. But I did help myself. My family did help me - not in the way though that I hoped :) Their help, I would call falls under tough love. All that knows me well - friends from work, friends since birth, my boyfriend, helped me in one way or another.

But what Doctor probably forgot to tell me was that my body and its entire system would also adjust without the help of Fluoxetine. For the first two weeks without any medication, I found myself, crying so hard, getting too emotional, and just really having a difficult time controlling my emotion called sadness. Victims of this adjustment included my mother and my boyfriend. Details not important in the discussion. The point is that I had a terrible terrible terrible time adjusting. Since then, I resolved to help myself even harder. How?

by exercising

I would need to exercise more often! So, to help myself motivate to exercise, I signed up for a 10K run! Committing myself to that 10K run would serve as my motivation to train regularly. 

And yes, I finished the 10K run! It's another victory! It was not fast but I finished it. I did not give up and that is what mattered and still matters.

by helping others

Another thing that has been helping me is being more conscious of going beyond myself - this means that I would need to see and think logically that the world is not about me and my bouts of depression. I started to give regularly to the Church through the seminary where my brother is a spiritual director. Aside from that, I helped the seminary by asking my colleagues to donate their books for the seminary because a lot of their things were damaged because of the Typhoon Lando that hit my hometown.

These two things: exercising and helping others were very helpful as I continue to live without any medication.

Other ways to help me be happier and more positive would include:

keeping myself away from people who are so negative
sleeping for 6-7 hours a day
praying wholeheartedly (through meditation)

Those three, I need to work on since lately I have been surrounded with people who are too negative and so stressful to be with, I have been sleeping irregularly, and have not been praying religiously.

Waiting for me to happen

It's been four months since I last blogged! Just what happened?

The entire month of June, I was out of the country. I savored every day of the 30 days of June with my parents who I really did not grow up with. So you could imagine the clashes and all the adjustments that had to happen.

July was all about adjustment. I was longing for the places and the lifestyle I enjoyed while I was out of the country. Also, I was blessed to be accepted in a part-time job in one big university. Though the location is not entirely pleasing to my sense of smell and sight, it is accessible from my place.

In August, classes started in the university where I really "belong." Of course, there's not much adjustment in terms of preparation but the fact that I'm working for two institutions that are a bit far from each other (although very convenient to travel because of the LRT)  makes the adjustment for my body and mind more challenging. But I'm hanging on.

September was when meetings for my business venture started. This business venture makes me so excited. But it is also very demanding in terms of time. I'm blessed that God sent me people who seem dedicated enough to work with me until every thing materializes. This business is not for me, it's His. That's why I named it after Him. All these business meetings happened while of course, attending to the demands of work.

I started feeling weary when October arrived. Well, actually, that feeling started in September. I think it just got worse in October. So I decided to spend more time on exercising which would bring out all the endorphins - hormones that make us happy. I signed up for a 10k run on November 8. I have yet to sign up for a 5K run on October 25. All these runs I do because I would like to keep myself sane. By the way, last September 30, my really awesome psychiatrist just put me off from taking Fluoxetine! I've been taking Fluoxetine since 2012 and to be cleared from taking any medication for depression is really a milestone!

Today is October 6. More days to go before October ends. But now, I'm already pushing myself hard to do what I find difficult to do - finding meaning in all that I do.

That bee

It's amazing how even a bee helped my thoughts steer away from feelings of self-pity. 

I woke up one morning with my mind fresh from the happy celebratory mood that the news of my brother's appointment as judge brought. But with that joy, was also a feeling of questioning - "What have I done to bring pride and honor to my family?" (You see all my siblings are respected in their own fields!) Of course, being uncertain about many things and not knowing what my life is for, I started feeling anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was conscious that I was starting to think of negative thoughts so I went to my mother's garden to water her plants and of course, to help me think of only good things. 

As I was watering the plants, the negative thoughts were still lingering in my head. I felt really terrible about myself that tears were prepping to fall. But before my tears could even fall, a buzzing sound was surrounding my left ear! A bee briefly buzzed near my left ear that I didn't get to cry! I laughed after that buzz. I thought how even a bee would help me divert my thoughts into something positive. 

On perfection and certainty

Nothing can be perfect in this world. We will always find fault in every little thing - how impolite some people can be, how poor the government is in providing basic needs for all, how hot the sun is, how there is too much rain... 

And yet we still strive for perfection. As we strive for perfection, we want the result to be certain - that it can be perfect. Whatever "it" is. 

But there is nothing certain in life, as well. Only death is.  

So what now? 

Wanting perfection and certainty in life, I think, can cause the downfall of a person... More so of a person diagnosed with depression. 

I know of people who bid farewell to this life at their own cause because they felt too frustrated with life - an imperfect and uncertain life. 

This want of perfection and certainty is one huge thing that we all (depressed or not) need to let go. 

How do we live then if we know that nothing can be perfect and certain? 

That I do not know yet. 

One small voice tells me "that's why you long to be with someone, so you can face life's imperfection and uncertainty together with the person who also experiences the same in this world ... And life becomes less harsh, less lonely, and more like life..." 

Road to forgiveness

There are times or moments when you can't help but be reminded how much you were wronged. 

That moment when you are reminded how some people or one particular person treated you so bad that you fell into depression? Or that one person who took advantage of your vulnerability, manipulated you to get what he wanted? Or that one person who looked at you as if you're a low form of human being? 

It can be very depressing remembering how bad you were treated. It can be worse when you remember how you always treated them right and despite that you were still wronged. 

How do you move forward with such reminders? How do you forgive when you can clearly remember the pain? 

These reminders can pull us back farther from peace. Or they can push us forward to a road of forgiveness - a road where there would still be signs of the pains of the past but you move forward anyway. You are reminded to slow down because of the pain but still you move forward. You see signs that tell you you can go as fast 100 kph. And so you go that fast. Then, another reminder, another sign to slow down... for you are about to pay still, pay and spend your time, resources and energy so you can move forward. This you do even if you think you don't have to pay... You've suffered enough anyway, why pay more? But you still pay anyway because you want to move forward. You want to reach your destination - peace. 

Onwards to happiness

Yesterday was terrible and I mean - that kind of day when I didn't do anything productive or anything that will push me forward towards my goal (whatever it is!).

Good thing that the MoodMaster App I've been using to help me in my condition is really helping. I have featured it here already but for everyday that I am using it, I find something that's truly helpful.




One of the things that helps me is the advice to keep a record of what I do every hour. I know it sounds tedious but it makes sense. After a day's record, you review what you do every hour. You think and decide if the hours were well spent or they simply pulled you back towards a depressive mood. I've just started recording of what I do today and I hope I can be consistent in doing this.

Another is the relaxation exercise that is also part of the App. There are three types of relaxation exercise included in the app: the focused breathing, guided imagery, and muscle relaxation. I have tried the first two.

When I applied the first relaxation which is the focused breathing before I slept because I felt that my mind was agitated (as always), I, thankfully, got to sleep right away. For this exercise, you are just asked to be more aware of your breathing - if it's like running after something, or it's shortened like you're forgetting to breathe, or something else. I did it, becoming more aware of my breathing. I noticed that my breathing last night before I slept was rather fast - like it's running after something. I thought about it and realized that I was once again, thinking too much even before I sleep.

The second guided imagery is literally making use of your imagination. You are asked to imagine of a place that you have always found very relaxing. And let the place take you away. What I like about this I was asked to go to a happy place - my favorite happy place where I found myself most relaxed. I remembered my vacation at a beach where I just let my body be surrounded by the water.

I am happy that I'm progressing towards happiness (I hope). I can say this because I find myself really finding ways to:

1. steer away from negative thoughts
2. take good care of my physical health as my self-image really affects how I feel towards myself and how I treat others

Watch your thoughts

I am glad that I am more in touch with myself - at least that's what I claim to believe. And believing in what I tell myself is what I am going to talk about. 

For so many years, recent years, I realize just now, that I have been torturing myself by thinking all the negative things about myself. By now, after the x number of years that I have been torturing myself through the powerful negative self talk, I should be dead. 

Yes, if negative self-talk can kill, I would be dead by now. 

What are these negative self-talks? These are talks that belittle myself, that make me feel unworthy of love and respect, that I can never be somebody, that I am the worst child of my parents, that I am the only one of our siblings who is not and cannot be successful, that I can never be the right one for someone, that I am not worthy at all to be alive... 

The list goes on and on... 

I guess treating myself bad and looking at myself as if I am the worst person that ever lived has become a habit of my thoughts. And I'm sayin it again, it's killing me, my possible bright future, and a possible good life. 

Just what happened? I used to be the most optimistic person. My friends from before would tell me that and I believe it. 

I guess my painful experiences have made me believe that I can never move forward, that I will remain a pitiful sinner who never forgave herself. 

With God's grace, I learned to choose the right but even after doing so, I felt I was still being punished. I endured. And now I'm still alive. I'm alive but still so uncertain, uncertain of the future - if I would still be fooled, lied upon, manipulated, disrespected, and unloved (there goes my negative self-talk again... I can't help it. It's hard to let it go!). 

Steering myself away from thoughts that slowly kill me is what I will have to consciously and unconsciously do. I will have to watch my thoughts. I remember, we were told to watch our words, I guess they forgot to tell us to also watch our thoughts. 

How do I do this? 

1. Stay with positive people. 

2. Choose people who sincerely want your happiness and success. 

3. Just choose happy and positive self-talks. 

Good luck to me! I know I will learn more as I struggle to change how I think. 

Pushing people away

Honor your feelings. 

Most of the time, we are told not to be too emotional. Sure, that's right. However, I argue that there are moments we have to learn to honor our feelings. 

If you feel tired, try not to push yourself more. That feeling of exhaustion is your body's way of telling you to get some well deserved rest. 

But there are feelings we try to pretend that do not exist. We simply dismiss these feelings because we are afraid to confront them. What am I trying to say? These feelings, if acknowledged, might cause confrontations or simply, discomfort. 

Like for example, one time, I felt that I was being too snobbish towards my mommy. I felt that I was pushing her away. I had been feeling it but I was dismissing it as something natural between a mother and her daughter. 

But I also felt guilty. I asked myself how come I was like that towards her. Many reasons came out - maybe I was pushing her away because I knew that no matter what I would do, I would be her least favorite and I was (and still am!) already feeling tired of trying too hard to please her; or maybe because I have been her biggest mistake, raising me was a mistake; or maybe because I know that all I cause her is trouble. 

And I do not want to be all that to her. I only want to treat her good, give her all the best but right now, I could not seem to give it to her... Instead, she's the one who still has to help me. Seeing her, being with her remind me of what I could not be for her. It frustrates me that I cannot be what her other children are to her. And so I hate myself. 

And so I just push her away so I would not be reminded of what I want to give her but cannot give her. 

No small victory

I always remember what I read somewhere - there is no small victory for the depressed, everything is a big victory! Being able to get up from bed, take a shower, eat healthy, go to work or do the normal routine would be normally easy. But for the depressed, doing these "normal" stuff can be a heavy burden. So, if you get to do something that would be "normal" and "easy" but you really struggled to accomplish it, celebrate it! Everyday is a good practice to think back and remember what you would find difficult to do but you did it anyway. This way, you are learning to acknowledge your "small" accomplishments.

Today, though I found it difficult to get up from bed - I got up anyway! I got up and surprisingly, I was even able to finish requirements for graduate school. To add more good news, I even got to submit them on time! These required things would be, supposedly, a normal stress for some. However, those normal stressors would be considered, high stressors already for those whose standards of themselves are too high. 

So remember, though no one recognizes you for your "small" victory because for them it is normal, there is no small victory for people like us.

Tears along NLEX

Suddenly in the midst of a boring, humid and grayish greenish road of North Luzon expressway, in the midst of my own driving that even my eyes are too bored to be awake, emotions that have been unworded for a long time now since I don't know started to become tears. Could it be that the unsure scene along the roads made me feel more? Could it be my own mother, sitting at the passenger's side? Those were tears of helplessness, I know. Those were tears of wanting to be the right one for someone, for my family, for my career, for some people, somewhere... Those were tears that have long wanted to fall. 

Dreaming again!

I was watching this travel documentary show of GMA featuring Kenya when I stopped what I was doing and focused my attention on the show. Then, I realized how any travel show would make me pause and marvel at the vastness and beauty of the world. I remember when I was in my teens and had the vigor and optimism to dream, I would always tell myself that I'm a traveller and that I would love to see every country of the world. Then, that dream faded away.

It took one show to remind me of my dream. I lingered on my dream and continued imagining myself traveling... With my lifetime partner - my husband (and with our children). I started picturing me and my husband going to one country every year for our wedding anniversary or whatever reason. I just want us to see the world together. Then, later on, when our children are mature enough to appreciate the beauty of the world, we will bring our children in all our travels. I want my family to be a traveling family. 

I want to do this not to brag or show off, but to see and experience for ourselves how amazing Our Creator is, how small we are in the bigger scheme of things, how little our problem is compared to the vast beauty we have... 

While I was thinking about this, I thought to myself, "Glad, I'm dreaming again!" To make this dream clearer, these are the countries I would like to visit with my husband: 

#1 in my list is Japan. I read about this temple in Kyoto. Since then, I became intrigued and I haven't stopped dreaming about going there and see for myself what I read in the novel, "The Temple of Golden Pavilion"

 #2 is Russia. It's a big country, I know. And I don't know that much about Russia. The fact that I don't know a lot about it except for the hat the Princess Sarah (cartoon shown in Philippines) makes me so interested. I feel that Russia is a country full of mysteries. I would like to feel the mystery for myself. To start with the tour there, we can go to Moscow first. 

#3 is Scotland. Since, I've been watching this tv series "Reign" which is about Mary, the Queen of Scots, I think that Scotland is the best place to start the European Tour. The picture below is the Edinburgh Castle in Scotland. 

I hope writing my dream is the start of making my dreams become a reality. 

Just dream. 

The need for routine

It's weird that today I uttered only a few words. I think that people in this house, my parent's house, could count the number of words I spoke. Nothing is wrong. I was just really more pensive today.

I could be very quiet but my mind is very loud. It's one thing about me.

Anyway, to help myself today, I was trying to establish some routine in my everyday stay here. It's vacation. And I don't have strict schedule to follow. But I know that for anyone like me, we need some routine. So, what have I come up with so far?

1. Cook/Eat breakfast
2. Rest a little
3. Hypnotic exercise
4. Physical exercise (treadmill_
5. Rest and pray

These last only for half a day. The other half of the day, I haven't made any routine.

The child's way

Something good will come out today. I know. Or better, something good will come out from all my sacrifices, struggles, and resolution to choose what's right. 

At last something positive after a long while of being so down! 

That, I thought after my 3 year old nephew wrapped his small arm around me when he felt scared because of the story I was reading to him. We were sitting side by side, reading a children's story entitled "Si Ching na takot sa dilim" when suddenly he put his right arm around my tummy. He looked seriously scared. Oh how it felt good! How it felt good to have someone make you feel like you can make him feel secure, like everything will be okay because you are there with him. 

I'm blogging this so I will forever remember this moment that a child made me feel I'm needed, I'm wanted, I'm enough. 

the wisdom in forced

I was browsing through the blog of this woman I have been admiring for her class and natural happy personality when I thought that, while, most women or ladies would be blogging about their latest finds, travels, escapades, fashion finds, etc... I am blogging about how I'm getting through with my condition. Blogging about one's struggle to keep her sanity, her happiness, and her journey to find her home is not such a welcome topic. I am assuming that, naturally, people would prefer to read articles with positive tone. My blog is not entirely positive... it's more of a mix of all possible human emotions. In this blog, I am showing how some people are naturally predisposed or "wired" to be happy... that for some, happiness is an effort.

Speaking of effort, today, I had to do a lot of mental talk to convince myself to get up, take a bath, get out of the house, play with my nephew, drive for parents, read a good novel, eat healthy, and show that little smile to people I used to see often in my former work.

I was successful. It sounds a small feat, but, I consider it a big victory already.

The most difficult part in winning today's battle is showing my smile and acknowledge familiar faces I used to work with. My smile was such a forced smile. I mean, if I could just pretend that I didn't see them, I would. Why? I'm afraid that they would sense the change in me - I used to be jolly, happy, cheerful but now, I can't even give them a happy smile. And I'm afraid that they will think I'm not becoming a happy, gracious woman... instead, I'm becoming a wrathful woman. Oh, why am I so concerned about what they think about me?

I really don't know how to end today's blog. I hope someone can do it for me.

not so good day.

It's no good today.

I slept during my hypnotic exercise.
I slept for more than 2 hours in the morning.
I slept for another 2 hours in the afternoon.

I started arranging my vanity stuff but didn't finish.

But the good thing is I started my detox diet.

It's kind of weakening that I don't get to eat what I like to eat - sweet, salty, and all that fattening.

But I still got to start it. I hope to continue with it.

Maybe when I am slim enough, people will start to look at me and take me seriously, like I have something to offer to the world, like I have worth, like I can be worth loving.

And just now, tears just started to pour for reasons I still don't know.

Day 3 of consciously helping myself

For the past three days, I have been working hard on helping myself. What have I done?

Day 1: I deleted all my social networking sites that trigger my anxiety.
Day 2: I started this hypnotic exercise using a phone app.
Day 3: Today! I started exercising by using the treadmill.

Also today, I started looking for a detox diet that will help me feel good.

Why am I doing this?

For the nth time, I realize I got only myself to rely on to cope with the difficulties of handling my emotions, stressors, pressure, and other things.

I acknowledge that people around me try very hard to do what they can -

My family allows me to relax here in my province.

My partner tries to make me feel secure by calling me often - before work, during breaks, after work, before going to sleep.

But they are the same people that can harm me. Big time.

My family's culture of "not talking" or "communicating" emotions or thoughts makes it hard for me to open up and trust them.

My partner's connection with his past, the fact that I haven't really been introduced to his closest friends, and his tendency to lie make me anxious!

When they fall short, I get hurt ... big time hurt. You see, they are the only people that I have now.

I have lost a lot of friends since I closed my world because of the shame and uncertainty I was feeling because of my mental illness. I suddenly disconnected myself to people - many people. Even if I knew that there are some of them who would understand me.

My family and my partner are the only people that make me feel alive. Without any one of them or when the relationship turns ugly, I die... I feel like slowly dying.

I will have to learn living my life for myself ... because there's so much to look forward to even without them. They are God's gifts. They are God's. They can also be taken away from me. So, I cannot depend my happiness and my existence on them.

I will have to find a reason for my existence... with or without them.

Apps for mental health

I have been exploring two phone apps that help relieve depression:

I have known this app (photo above) for maybe two years. It contains articles about depression, tips on healing, and other basic but necessary information. It used to be like a collection of articles. The articles were very easy to read and practical. When I finished reading all articles, I deleted the app. 

I rediscovered it when I was searching for mental health apps. I'm glad that they updated it. Now, when you open the app, a message pops and shows a short tip for you to try to help you become well. It still has articles and they are updated!  

The second app I'm currently using (photo above) seems more of a hypnotic exercise that helps the user alter his/her way of thinking. It's meant to be used for three weeks straight. I'm only on my day one so I can't say that much yet. My first experience earlier was fine - I listened to the very relaxing voice instructing me to imagine things while a background music is played. I'm surely looking forward to finishing the program. 

Since I deleted the famous FB, IG, Twitter, I have been refocusing on using technology to help me and not to worsen my condition. Also, because of this, I am discovering other ways to stay connected. I'm glad I'm using what is not so popular. I like feeling different. I like being divergent. 

But I'm still hopeful that one day I will not have any reason to feel nervous when I open my FB, IG, Twitter (SNSs). I must admit, they are pretty cool. But for now that it's become a source of my instability, they remain deactivated. Are they the source of my instability? Or the person controlling his SNSs? Or my mind and heart that find it so hard to feel secure? 

Whatever the reason may be, my goal is to protect and help myself. So help me God. 

Mental health first

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter which hurt my mental health. It hurt me before. So I deleted each one. When I got better, I activated them - only to realize now, that it can still hurt me.

There's always this one person that made me so uneasy and nervous whenever I would open my FB or IG or Twitter. It's because whenever I open any of those, I always discover something that could potentially damage our relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that. But it does. It always gives me reasons to doubt him. It always gives me reasons to doubt that I could still be happy and so secure in a relationship. 

So now, I deleted all. I can focus on things and people that truly care about my happiness and security. 

For anyone with D, it is very very very important for you to choose the person you have a relationship with. You should choose those that are sincere about helping you achieve happiness, a secure and doubt-free relationship. If the partner you have always makes you uneasy about his choices (befriending his exes, not introducing you to his friends, and so many more), shouts at you in public, has uncontrollable anger, disrespects older people, and any thing at all that brings out the worst in you... Move out from the relationship fast. He's no good for you. He will potentially make your condition worse. If he doesn't understand your condition no matter how many times you have tried to make him understand, it is not your fault. Just move out from the relationship. 

Waiting for Home

I have been blogging since it became so popular 10 years ago or so. But I would delete it after sometime. I just did not like (I still do!) how I keep things from the past that only remind me of how horrible I was or maybe how painful something was.

But this blog, I have had this since 2012. Since 2012, I have been believing that I am coming home. What is home for me?

Home is where peace is. Home is where true happiness lasts. Home is where right is. Home is where my God is. Home is where Jesus is. Home is where contentment is. Home is having the right one for me, the man He wants for me. Home is having children with this man. Home is living our lives all for His greater glory. Home is living our lives to make other people's lives better. Home is making Him happy.

But until now, I haven't found home. I have long been convincing myself that I am coming home and that I deserve it.

I would always tell myself, "after all that I have done for Him, after all that I have chosen for Him, after all the pain I endured for Him... I deserve to be Home with Him."

I even have my theme song. The theme song of my life's struggle...


"I'm coming home" by Skylar Grey

However, until now, I'm still in great despair finding Home. Maybe I should change the blog name from sheiscominghome to sheisfindinghome.

I was a lost sheep before. I was living my life not knowing I was a lost sheep.

Now, that He has found me... and that I found Him... that I chose Him... that He chooses me...my heart is still restless.

How come, home seems nowhere to be found? I am in despair. Everyday, I'm waiting for Home.

Listen to your body

Listening to my body is one of the things I have learned because of my Depression.

Just a while ago, while waiting for something, anxiety started to creep into me.

I felt my head as if wanting to explode, like a mini volcano starting to boil its lava. I felt my cold hands as if starting to get frozen when the night was as hot as daylight.

I looked normal. I looked perfectly calm. But I wasn't.

Then that something that I was waiting for arrived. The explosion and the coldness started to subside.

What I am trying to say is it helps anyone who has Depression to learn listening to his/her body and respect what it says. But it should not end there. The person who owns the body must learn how to pacify and put back the body in its tranquil state. You should know what could happen when the body reacts to the mental health issues.

Happiness website

Happiness explained in a scientific way -

http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/aristotle/

Acupuncture for Depression

I have just started acupuncture to treat my depression. I originally planned to have it just to reduce all the stress points in my body. However, I found out that the World Health Organization (WHO) actually recommends acupuncture fore Depression. Also, I have long wanted to stop depending on medicines. 

So, I set an appointment with an acupuncturist just within my work place making it accessible for me.

The doctor explained how different Depression is for the perspective of acupuncture. So, he said he

had to check first if I really do have it. He checked my pulses in my wrists. After a few seconds, he said, "Your psychiatrist must be good, he's right. You do have Depression." I don't know how he knew just by checking my pulses. He actually explained but I didn't understand. I just trusted him. He said, he can actually tell that my Depression has long been with me because he said it had reached my kidneys when normally Depression would only reach the heart and the lungs. 

After some talking, I was then prepared for the actual acupuncture. I lied down and felt (but not really) the needles pricking certain parts of my head, forehead, wrists, legs, and feet. It did not hurt at all. 

I don't know yet how this will affect me but I am looking forward to positive effects.

Hooray to the no-medicine lifestyle!

Oversleeping

Sleeping is my quick fix when I am feeling emotionally pained.

Sleeping isn't bad. It only becomes bad when it's overly done that accomplishing daily normal tasks are already affected. Oversleeping is actually one of the signs that one isn't okay. So, if you notice that a family or a friend tends to oversleep, do not immediately judge that that person is lazy - observe, talk, listen without judging, and just be there.

Being conscious

For the time that I have been writing about getting over depression, I realize that the ways to overcome it are actually very simple.

I have written about cleaning,

making art pieces,

nature-tripping, 

gardening,

running,











volunteering

eco-living,

and even spending time with loved ones

as forms of therapies.

These activities would seem ordinary for most people. But for those who are diagnosed with Depression, doing these activities would already be considered as victories. For the depressed, as simple as feeding oneself or taking a bath could be such a struggle. Going to work, doing errands, and all other normal daily tasks that would be easy in ordinary days would suddenly be such a pain to do!

So for someone who is depressed, to still carry on and do these necessary normal daily tasks is already worthy to be celebrated.

Aside from celebrating these small victories, again, do things that are therapeutic for you. When you do these, acknowledge that you are doing it to make yourself happy, to help yourself, and most importantly, to show care for yourself.

Depression has its ways to make yourself feel too bad about yourself, inflict unnecessary pain, and just slowly kill you! How depression manifests and destroys you is very important for as the cliche goes, knowledge is your best weapon.

Cleaning Therapy

I acknowledge that I need help. I know too that I cannot just bug people around me and tell them I need help. And when they found out that my need is company - they might just laugh it off.

Some needs just cannot be met.

So, today, I did one thing to help me shake off this disturbing chaos in my head.

This one thing that has always been therapeutic for me is cleaning! I love removing the dust off from surfaces, wiping them with my favorite Pledge, sweeping the floor with my broom whose strands shake like it's being tickled (Seriously, I smiled when I saw that while I was sweeping), and finally, mopping the floor with my Tornado 360 mop! This mop just made our lives so much easier - not to mention, cleaning so fun!

Now, that I am done with cleaning my little room - I will have to face again reality - that bugging disturbing chaos in my head. But at least now, I am facing it feeling a little lighter thanks to my cleaning therapy!

Signs

For anyone who is deeply concerned with someone who is depressed, you should know that there's no small feat for someone who's struggling with D. So, when your friend, family or loved one still tries VERY hard to do any of these things no matter how difficult it is for them - acknowledge it, affirm it, and make him/her feel good for doing it.

Those who are struggling with D will most likely experience one or two of the many possible symptoms:

• Difficulty in sleeping
• Difficulty in waking up
• Losing the energy to do small things - eating, standing up, bathing, changing clothes, doing proper hygiene
• Losing focus - studying or working
• Not wanting to go to school or work
• Avoiding people
• Avoiding crowds
• Smoking when he/she is not really a smoker
• And many more - check this website 
• http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

Those above are based only on my experience so please do more research if you are serious about helping your loved one cope with depression.

Nobody knows when.

So I have not been okay.

Since I have not been okay, I am back here - blogging. Blogging seems to be my only constant company during my loneliness. It never leaves me no matter how many times I would leave and go on with my life.

Just like any episode of depression, I would have to figure out the root of all these demons.

It started maybe in February of this year. I came back to my dorm without my roommate's stuff - she left. She decided to stay at her own place despite the distance from her work. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to having someone to talk to at the end of the day anymore since I would be alone.

Then, my long-term relationship started to shake when my partner told me he still couldn't see himself settling down anytime soon. We nearly broke up. But we didn't.

That unsettled issue, naturally, haunted us again. When we had to deal with our differences, he just confirmed what he said weeks before - that he's not ready, that he has just started finding what's really for him, and that he couldn't see himself in what I pictured to be our future. Writing what we talked about seems more real and thus, more painful. Hearing from him all these things was both relieving and enraging. It was relieving because at least I know now where I stand (something I have long wondered). It was enraging because now that everything seems okay with him, it seems he can just let me go. But now, that I don't seem to have anything stable, I'm being left by myself. It dawned on me that I would not be looking forward to anything with him anymore. He doesn't want to make any plans.

While he was saying all that, I was imagining all those men who gave up their personal desires or dreams to be with that one person they love - I remember my brothers, I remember my friends' husbands, I remember those men, few men apparently... Giving up their personal goals didn't mean they didn't get to achieve those anymore. It just meant they weren't alone anymore in achieving their goals. I know. I know because I saw how my brothers seemed better men because of their wives and their children. All these men I know, one common thing they all shared, I noticed - they had nothing. My brother was dependent on my parents for the wedding expenses. Another brother was even broke while he was organizing the wedding. He said, he and my sister-in-law started with a debt. But look at them now, they are more than well-off. Two of my friends' husbands were jobless when they got married. They said, they just wanted to be together - forever. Now, that's love.

I was imagining I would end up with that kind of man as well... someone who would stand up for me, someone who would believe in our partnership - that together we can accomplish all that we dream of.

Now, one foot is still in my relationship but one foot is already out - wanting to be free. I know I don't deserve to be with a man who couldn't commit himself to me - someone who would just make me wait until nobody knows when.

So, these what make me not okay... not okay, until when?

Nobody knows when.

Simpler

I remember vaguely how life seemed simpler in the late 20th century until the early 21st century.

One phone. One camera shared by the family.  One personal computer also shared by the family.

These small gadgets' batteries or power also last for almost 48 hours. If you did not charge for a day, the phone would survive for another day (assuming you use it more for texting and not calling). Now, the batteries don't last for 24 hours that "power banks" have been introduced. This power bank is cube like or even a rectangle in shape that one can carry in her bag as a reserve when the phones' battery die. The phones are just connected to this which does not need any electric plug (assuming the power bank is fully charged). Really, how much more power do we need?

This reality simply echoes this famous saying that when we have more, we tend to need and want more. When we have a lot of gadgets, we also need more battery chargers, more power, and more of I don't know what else.

I myself, am guilty of this. I have three phones (2 smart phones and 1 super basic phone), one iPad, one laptop, and an e-book reader. Of course, all these need batteries.

In the beginning, I felt okay with it. But then I started feeling confused which gadget I need for a specific day or which phone number I should be giving to a new acquaintance. I started feeling uncomfortable which also stressed me out. Now, I don't know what to do with my three phones. The iPad, the laptop, and e-book readers are totally helpful for my profession - education. I use the iPad for my PowerPoint Presentation aided lectures; while the laptop is for grade computation, book writing, lecture presentation preparation; and the e-book reader I use during my long travels or long breaks.

Though there has been a proliferation of choices, living a simpler life is still possible. It takes a reflective thinker to realize what s/he only needs to survive and thrive. One cannot be easily swayed by what media dictates to be needed and wanted. One needs time to pause, think, and reflect. We can't just "go, go, go!" If we do not, we get confused. We get overwhelmed. We do not get to do anything important at all.

I am trying very hard to do this. Since, I have more time to think and reflect, I am now trying to simplify my life. I am using just one phone (and wishing I could just sell my other two phones). And before I am tempted to buy anything at all, I reflect if I can really live without it. There are thousand ways to simplify one's life. And I am excited to learn more about these ways.

Simple Living

One thing anyone close to me probably knows is that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

I mean, I am not the kind of woman who buys and loves receiving luxurious items such as branded bags, shoes, and clothes. Ask me about the brand name or the collection name, more so, the price - I would not know! I do not even care to know! 

I remember one time when my really, exceptionally rich aunt toured me, my mom, and my uncles in her classy house located in one of the posh villages in Makati and we reached her air-conditioned room full of bags and shoes, she was telling me the brand and its name. She was telling me as if I know everything what she was talking about. But I really do not know! I just keep nodding my head as if I completely understood her. By the way, she was not bragging when she was doing all that. She is actually one of the very few who is rich and also humble. She was probably doing that because we saw her rise from rags to riches. We were there for her and her family when they were not so well-off. And now that they belong to the high society, she does not forget to go back to her roots and reach out to those who have always been there for her.

Anyway, as I was saying, it only takes so little to make me happy. I am not saying that you should think of me as a candidate to be a saint. Maybe, all I am saying is that, (aside from the fact that my entirety is not wired to adore luxurious items and more so a luxurious lifestyle), any person, I can confidently say is wired to live a really simple life. Put a human being into a forest with enough fruit-bearing trees and source of water, she can survive. After all, humanity started that way - so little and yet so enough to survive and even thrive!

I am saying all these after a recent and sort of a major change in my life happened - I moved into a dorm closer to work. 

As I was moving out from my studio-like apartment, I could not help but feel overwhelmed with the so many things I put in there - coffee table, treadmill, bookshelf, washing machine, microwave, electric stove, oven toaster, huge mirrors, and so many more.

It took me more than three times of transporting all these from there to my home in the province. 

And since I already completed the transfer of all my things, I now would have to face putting each in order at my parents’ house. 

Then, I realized - it only takes so little to live! I kept telling myself as I was trying very hard to put everything in order, “I do not need all of these!” or “Why do I have this? I already have a lot of this!”

I started thinking how many of my things can be potentially put into waste after some time. And then, it started making sense to me - what my father told me when I was in high school (or maybe college or maybe when I started working or maybe all those moments! Hehehe). He said something like, “the joy of simple living.” Of course, the self-centered kid that I was, pretended I was listening and just shook it off. Little did I know that, it actually stuck into me!

My dad, though he comes from a rich family, is one of the simplest guys I know. He is not at all the senorito type (well, a bit. hehehe.). I mean, like me, he is happy with simple things. He is happier when he is in his backyard, planting vegetables, fruits, and decorative plants. I could say this because he does this everyday! When he is out of the house or has to go out of the house, he worries for his pigs! He worries that no one will feed his pigs even if there’s a house help who can do the feeding. Oh, I should not forget - he is most likely the happiest, when he can fix broken things or when we, his family, ask him to fix this, fix that. How I adore the simplicity of my dad! By fixing broken things, we are already saving money and of course our dear Mother Earth. Not only does he fix broken things, he likes inventing stuff from whatever things he can find at home. He would use the bottle of Coke to plant something, or the plastic container of a dishwashing gel as an “ice tray” or the electric fan stand as a bike holder (or whatever you call that thing that holds the bike when you are trying to fix it).

Maybe, by not saying many times to me the joy of simple living and just by showing it to me, my Dad was already teaching it to me. And now, I am starting to imbibe it as if it has always been my nature. But God knows, no! I used to buy a lot of unnecessary things. Of course, what did I know about the fact that when you buy a lot, you also consume a lot of earth’s resources which could have been used for a better and longer lasting purpose. I was just this self-centered person who only cared about my needs and wants.

Now, this thing about “eco lifestyle” that I have heard before but did not understand is starting to make more sense to me! Eco lifestyle could also mean living simply - having less and using only what is needed. Eco lifestyle could mean a lot of things to many different people. But for me, it means living simply and desiring less. After all, living simply and desiring less are what we only need to live happily. 

Writing and Pain

For the past three months, I have been avoiding writing here. I felt that I was too happy or too calm that I would not be able to write something sensible or something worth reading.

The truth is, in August of last year, I relapsed. I had to return to a more intensive medication. Stress from work and a major adjustment in my personal relationship with someone very special triggered my depression.

The events that took place after the relapse are now vague to me. All I remember is that people close to me made an effort to make me feel heard, attended to, and given time. You see, before that, I felt I was an invisible person who they think is unshakeable and just oh so strong.

Why did I have to express my desire to die before these people noticed that something was terribly wrong with me?

I do not wish to know the answer.

Anyway, right now, I am feeling cool and calm. Except for my really terrible cough and sore throat, everything seems a-okay.

I sometimes attribute this calmness to my prescribed medicines that of course, fight anxiety and depression. Aside from that, I am starting to think and feel that, there's really nothing that I can control in this world except for my feelings. I can control my anger, my disappointment, and any negative feeling. Of course, that's not possible through my powers alone. I know that somewhere around me or in me, there's someone that teaches me how to accept things that I do not have control over.

As I said, everything seems a-okay except for this really terrible cough and sore throat.  Actually, it is these physical sufferings that prompted me to write again here.

I am in too much physical pain right now that it is this sickness when I got to say "I want to die than suffer this much." Yes, the suffering is too much that sometimes I can't bear it.

Oh, these are all random ramblings. You know what they say about some writers who write best when they are in pain? I think I am one of those writers.

I am not saying though that this writing is one of my best. It's just that I can easily express myself when I am in too much pain.