That bee

It's amazing how even a bee helped my thoughts steer away from feelings of self-pity. 

I woke up one morning with my mind fresh from the happy celebratory mood that the news of my brother's appointment as judge brought. But with that joy, was also a feeling of questioning - "What have I done to bring pride and honor to my family?" (You see all my siblings are respected in their own fields!) Of course, being uncertain about many things and not knowing what my life is for, I started feeling anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was conscious that I was starting to think of negative thoughts so I went to my mother's garden to water her plants and of course, to help me think of only good things. 

As I was watering the plants, the negative thoughts were still lingering in my head. I felt really terrible about myself that tears were prepping to fall. But before my tears could even fall, a buzzing sound was surrounding my left ear! A bee briefly buzzed near my left ear that I didn't get to cry! I laughed after that buzz. I thought how even a bee would help me divert my thoughts into something positive. 

On perfection and certainty

Nothing can be perfect in this world. We will always find fault in every little thing - how impolite some people can be, how poor the government is in providing basic needs for all, how hot the sun is, how there is too much rain... 

And yet we still strive for perfection. As we strive for perfection, we want the result to be certain - that it can be perfect. Whatever "it" is. 

But there is nothing certain in life, as well. Only death is.  

So what now? 

Wanting perfection and certainty in life, I think, can cause the downfall of a person... More so of a person diagnosed with depression. 

I know of people who bid farewell to this life at their own cause because they felt too frustrated with life - an imperfect and uncertain life. 

This want of perfection and certainty is one huge thing that we all (depressed or not) need to let go. 

How do we live then if we know that nothing can be perfect and certain? 

That I do not know yet. 

One small voice tells me "that's why you long to be with someone, so you can face life's imperfection and uncertainty together with the person who also experiences the same in this world ... And life becomes less harsh, less lonely, and more like life..." 

Road to forgiveness

There are times or moments when you can't help but be reminded how much you were wronged. 

That moment when you are reminded how some people or one particular person treated you so bad that you fell into depression? Or that one person who took advantage of your vulnerability, manipulated you to get what he wanted? Or that one person who looked at you as if you're a low form of human being? 

It can be very depressing remembering how bad you were treated. It can be worse when you remember how you always treated them right and despite that you were still wronged. 

How do you move forward with such reminders? How do you forgive when you can clearly remember the pain? 

These reminders can pull us back farther from peace. Or they can push us forward to a road of forgiveness - a road where there would still be signs of the pains of the past but you move forward anyway. You are reminded to slow down because of the pain but still you move forward. You see signs that tell you you can go as fast 100 kph. And so you go that fast. Then, another reminder, another sign to slow down... for you are about to pay still, pay and spend your time, resources and energy so you can move forward. This you do even if you think you don't have to pay... You've suffered enough anyway, why pay more? But you still pay anyway because you want to move forward. You want to reach your destination - peace. 

Onwards to happiness

Yesterday was terrible and I mean - that kind of day when I didn't do anything productive or anything that will push me forward towards my goal (whatever it is!).

Good thing that the MoodMaster App I've been using to help me in my condition is really helping. I have featured it here already but for everyday that I am using it, I find something that's truly helpful.




One of the things that helps me is the advice to keep a record of what I do every hour. I know it sounds tedious but it makes sense. After a day's record, you review what you do every hour. You think and decide if the hours were well spent or they simply pulled you back towards a depressive mood. I've just started recording of what I do today and I hope I can be consistent in doing this.

Another is the relaxation exercise that is also part of the App. There are three types of relaxation exercise included in the app: the focused breathing, guided imagery, and muscle relaxation. I have tried the first two.

When I applied the first relaxation which is the focused breathing before I slept because I felt that my mind was agitated (as always), I, thankfully, got to sleep right away. For this exercise, you are just asked to be more aware of your breathing - if it's like running after something, or it's shortened like you're forgetting to breathe, or something else. I did it, becoming more aware of my breathing. I noticed that my breathing last night before I slept was rather fast - like it's running after something. I thought about it and realized that I was once again, thinking too much even before I sleep.

The second guided imagery is literally making use of your imagination. You are asked to imagine of a place that you have always found very relaxing. And let the place take you away. What I like about this I was asked to go to a happy place - my favorite happy place where I found myself most relaxed. I remembered my vacation at a beach where I just let my body be surrounded by the water.

I am happy that I'm progressing towards happiness (I hope). I can say this because I find myself really finding ways to:

1. steer away from negative thoughts
2. take good care of my physical health as my self-image really affects how I feel towards myself and how I treat others

Watch your thoughts

I am glad that I am more in touch with myself - at least that's what I claim to believe. And believing in what I tell myself is what I am going to talk about. 

For so many years, recent years, I realize just now, that I have been torturing myself by thinking all the negative things about myself. By now, after the x number of years that I have been torturing myself through the powerful negative self talk, I should be dead. 

Yes, if negative self-talk can kill, I would be dead by now. 

What are these negative self-talks? These are talks that belittle myself, that make me feel unworthy of love and respect, that I can never be somebody, that I am the worst child of my parents, that I am the only one of our siblings who is not and cannot be successful, that I can never be the right one for someone, that I am not worthy at all to be alive... 

The list goes on and on... 

I guess treating myself bad and looking at myself as if I am the worst person that ever lived has become a habit of my thoughts. And I'm sayin it again, it's killing me, my possible bright future, and a possible good life. 

Just what happened? I used to be the most optimistic person. My friends from before would tell me that and I believe it. 

I guess my painful experiences have made me believe that I can never move forward, that I will remain a pitiful sinner who never forgave herself. 

With God's grace, I learned to choose the right but even after doing so, I felt I was still being punished. I endured. And now I'm still alive. I'm alive but still so uncertain, uncertain of the future - if I would still be fooled, lied upon, manipulated, disrespected, and unloved (there goes my negative self-talk again... I can't help it. It's hard to let it go!). 

Steering myself away from thoughts that slowly kill me is what I will have to consciously and unconsciously do. I will have to watch my thoughts. I remember, we were told to watch our words, I guess they forgot to tell us to also watch our thoughts. 

How do I do this? 

1. Stay with positive people. 

2. Choose people who sincerely want your happiness and success. 

3. Just choose happy and positive self-talks. 

Good luck to me! I know I will learn more as I struggle to change how I think. 

Pushing people away

Honor your feelings. 

Most of the time, we are told not to be too emotional. Sure, that's right. However, I argue that there are moments we have to learn to honor our feelings. 

If you feel tired, try not to push yourself more. That feeling of exhaustion is your body's way of telling you to get some well deserved rest. 

But there are feelings we try to pretend that do not exist. We simply dismiss these feelings because we are afraid to confront them. What am I trying to say? These feelings, if acknowledged, might cause confrontations or simply, discomfort. 

Like for example, one time, I felt that I was being too snobbish towards my mommy. I felt that I was pushing her away. I had been feeling it but I was dismissing it as something natural between a mother and her daughter. 

But I also felt guilty. I asked myself how come I was like that towards her. Many reasons came out - maybe I was pushing her away because I knew that no matter what I would do, I would be her least favorite and I was (and still am!) already feeling tired of trying too hard to please her; or maybe because I have been her biggest mistake, raising me was a mistake; or maybe because I know that all I cause her is trouble. 

And I do not want to be all that to her. I only want to treat her good, give her all the best but right now, I could not seem to give it to her... Instead, she's the one who still has to help me. Seeing her, being with her remind me of what I could not be for her. It frustrates me that I cannot be what her other children are to her. And so I hate myself. 

And so I just push her away so I would not be reminded of what I want to give her but cannot give her. 

No small victory

I always remember what I read somewhere - there is no small victory for the depressed, everything is a big victory! Being able to get up from bed, take a shower, eat healthy, go to work or do the normal routine would be normally easy. But for the depressed, doing these "normal" stuff can be a heavy burden. So, if you get to do something that would be "normal" and "easy" but you really struggled to accomplish it, celebrate it! Everyday is a good practice to think back and remember what you would find difficult to do but you did it anyway. This way, you are learning to acknowledge your "small" accomplishments.

Today, though I found it difficult to get up from bed - I got up anyway! I got up and surprisingly, I was even able to finish requirements for graduate school. To add more good news, I even got to submit them on time! These required things would be, supposedly, a normal stress for some. However, those normal stressors would be considered, high stressors already for those whose standards of themselves are too high. 

So remember, though no one recognizes you for your "small" victory because for them it is normal, there is no small victory for people like us.