Volunteering and Depression

Volunteering to any group that serves the community is one suggestion I read that helps combat Depression. I did just that. I volunteered.

Volunteering is not new to me. It was my world back in college when I was the president of the student council. It continued until I graduated and started working at my first job. I even headed a group of volunteers that helped build communities. Helping out, reaching out, and giving my time, resources, and almost all of me was my life. Then it died. That part in me passed away.

It just died. Slowly, I guess. It died without me knowing that it already passed away. I just started feeling aloof to my fellow volunteers. Seeing or working with them was not something I got excited about when before, being with them and working for a GREATER purpose was what fueled me.

Being somehow "anti-social," I later learned, was something usual for people who are Depressed. We would tend to shy away from social gatherings. Things that you used to love doing started feeling bland and so senseless.

Anyway, God is good. I was given the opportunity to volunteer to an organization that is somehow new to me. It's an organization that advocates for providing assistance to public school teachers, principals, and other stakeholders. For a start, I, together with my friends, participated in the Brigada Eskwela - a government initiative that aims to gather Filipinos to help their local public schools by cleaning up the classrooms, painting blackboards, chairs, and tables, beautifying and getting the school prepared for the upcoming June classes of many young Filipinos.

The event reminded me of what I was before - eating at the most unideal place, and getting sweaty and dirty because of too much working building houses. I loved that feeling. I relived it during that moment when I was painting classroom chairs and eating at a not very good place to eat - somewhere stinky and hot.

It was a reality check for me. The entire event where there were public school teachers, parents, pupils, and other volunteers helping out one another to make the school somehow exciting, reminded me that there is so much in the world that has more serious problems than what I am actually experiencing. It humbled me. It grounded me. It reminded me that, outside my dark world is a world that actually reaches out for me and tells me to get out of my dark world and experience light in the midst of a reality filled with chaos, uncertainty, insecurity, and even hopelessness. And in this, find my own light and hope.

Existential question

I'm not such a fan of life. This is what I've been thinking since... I don't know. It just crossed my mind.

Oh maybe, it's because of the TV series "The Walking Dead." I've seen characters there that would just choose to give up and end their own lives. I see myself in those characters. In that TV series, everything around the living characters seems lifeless and hopeless. They would do everything and anything just to survive. It is literally, "the survival of the fittest." And not just physically fit, it's mentally and emotionally fit that is required of the living. 

That TV series reminds us of what really matters in life. All material things that people would work hard for, could just be put to waste when the inevitable happens. It also subtly tells us how our skills in this 21st century, such as farming in our gadgets, tapping things to control things (sounds funny, eh), cooking using electricity, and watching TV or listening to the radio as forms of entertainment MAY not be enough to keep us alive. 

The cave man lifestyle, which is already alien to us, seems ideal if we want to survive. There's the need to learn to farm using our body so we can have food to eat, to know how to hunt, and to produce fire using stones (maybe?), and so many things to learn so we can still be alive when a plague like that in TV series happens in our world. Or maybe it's starting to happen. I just don't know where. Maybe I am too concerned about my selfish and shallow problems to even care about more serious problems such as hunger, war, and poverty. 

My point is, when everything just seems dead, would you continue living or struggle to survive? 

Bad days

It's a fact that for anyone living, there are good days and there are, of course, bad days.

For these bad days, many can just shrug it off and continue with their lives. 

But for those Depressed, multiply by 10 the "badnesss" the "normal" people feel. That's how bad it is. This is one thing I learned from my therapist. For the Depressed, the pain the patient feels is more than what the mentally healthy people feel. I cannot even qualify the word more. Of course, it varies. But the point is, the pain for the Depressed is not the way it is for those who are mentally healthy. It's not being weak. It's not even being too sensitive. It's just the way it is. That's why there are pills that help us feel a little stronger, less sensitive, more calm.

But for days when pills are not enough and negative thoughts just overpower the happy ones and start eating the system until it's become impossible for the Depressed to function, I can say, it's important that that feeling is acknowledged.

Acknowledge the heavy feeling that does not seem easy to control. Slow down for a bit. Be not afraid to think of nothing and stare at nothingness. Listen to your body. Breathe.

When it doesn't help. And when you know you cannot help yourself, go ask a friend to accompany you to do something happy. Go somewhere serene, somewhere filled with greenery. A simple nature walk relaxes your brain. Malling or going somewhere noisy and crowded might not help for it might add stress.

Have a good cry. If you really feel like crying, cry. A good cry also includes expressing your feelings. You can talk to God or to your friend - a human or even an animal (your pet dog, aquarium fish, etc.) It's very therapeutic.

If none of these helps, go visit your therapist. 

Blabbering

This is a blog full of random thoughts.

I hate myself now. I hate how I find it hard to re-focus my thoughts on things that matter and are within my control.

So many things now bother me.

Lying and cheating bother me. It bothers me more how people can sometimes be unaware that they are already lying. It bothers me how they do not realize the impact of their lies. It bothers me how I could not find just one man, just one man who could be totally honest and truthful with me.

My career bothers me. With the many changes that will happen because of the government initiatives in the field of education, I will also have to get my act together and adjust my career path. It bothers me how I could not seem to have all the means that can put me in the life that I am meant to live.

My own self bothers me. It bothers me that I have been imagining how wastefully fun it is to drink wine while I watch the sun come out and eventually leave. It bothers me how I could not drink wine and take my medication at the same time. It bothers me how I could not forget all these that bother me.

Tomorrow... I just wish to wake up feeling like nothing's bothering me. Tomorrow... I just wish to get out of that door and try to be a walking dead.

Food and Depression

Food even, plays a major role in curing the Depressed.

Here's one link that can shed light on the right food for the Depressed:

Diet for Depression

In my case, I find it hard to eat the right food. Being alone, I hardly prepare for the right diet that can help me.

Again, those who have supportive families and friends, you may share with them the list of food that you can eat so you can easily recover.

And yes, there are also foods that can worsen Depression. For the list, here's the link:

What to avoid

all pretty

The weekend that was, was all pretty. 

Feeling happy was all that I could be.

Kids' innocence and simplicity 

make everything seem easy

Siblings love and care

tell me I could be who I desire to be

Mom's words of wisdom

invite me to stay true to who I am meant to be

Listen to your body

It's funny how I can know when I am actually feeling stressed. It's not the typical signs like feeling irritable or getting angry easily. I know I am stressed when there's this excruciating pain at the left side of my stomach. It feels like that part of my stomach is held tightly and then squeezed.

I first learned about it last year when I was facing my older brother and his wife who had hurt me (maybe, unintentionally) before. I felt it again when I was with my whole family, having dinner, and supposedly having fun. That restaurant was in a place where I had many traumatic experiences.

When I realized that I felt that pain more often than before, then, I did a self-check. I checked when it would occur to me. That's when I found out that, it would come visit me when I am in a stressful situation.

Today, I have confirmed (for the nth time) that it's really stress-induced because of two things that happened to me. The first event was when I faced my class and saw on their faces that they could not enjoy the play they were watching because of the poor audio quality, that pain in my stomach struck me. It was a simple problem. It was a problem beyond my control but still, I felt stressed. What I did, I just talked to myself and told myself that "It's beyond your control. Relax. It's not your fault." But you see, there's another voice that would tell me, "You could have foreseen that. You could have avoided that."

Another situation today when I felt that pain was when I was conversing with a staff who was talking about the requirements to be an early childhood education teacher. The staff was very easy to talk to actually, her voice was lovely that it would make you want to talk more, and our topic wasn't a matter of life and death. The topic of our conversation just had something to do with my future. But in the midst of our telephone conversation, I felt that stomach pain again.

It's also a frequent visitor during driving. So, what I would do is, breathe in and out in the midst of that stressful situation.

This visitor, if I don't recognize it, can evolve into an outrage. Like there was one time, when I went out from the car and shouted out this motorcycle driver because he accidentally hit the right side of the car. Just a few minutes before that incident, a traffic enforcer hailed us (me and my company) because of a traffic violation. When he got my friend's license, I did not react. I was just quiet. But you see, an hour or so before that traffic violation incident, my friend kept on raising his voice and cursing other drivers on the road. He wouldn't shout at them. He would just shout it at me, his only company in the car. I told him calmly many times to stop but he did not. So what happened next? I expressed my silent anger towards that motorcycle driver who I could have faced civilly.

So, it's very important for me and those who can barely manage stress to recognize these situations that stress us out. If we don't recognize it, it comes out in a monstrous way.

This pain is actually a blessing in disguise. It serves like an "alert" signal that warns me to slow down, relax, and breathe.

Stress is one cause of Depression. Knowing what stresses the Depressed is very important. And sometimes, to know what causes it, you just have to listen to your body.















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