Nada

Sometimes, I think that I am losing my capacity to feel. I mean, authentic feelings - anger, hurt, joy, or excitement. Nothing now seems to make me feel so angry, or so hurt, or so happy, or so excited. I just feel that there is nothing anymore that makes me feel. Well, the fact that I said, "I feel..." is probably an indication that there is still a tiny part in me that actually is capable of feeling.

Sometimes, I tend to blame my medications for this feeling of not feeling. Sometimes I think that my anti-depressant pills have made me numb. Numb enough not to feel anything towards any cheesy moments in TV shows or mushy episodes in movies. You know those scenes that make viewers say, "Awwww..."? I in my own world, would wonder, what's so romantic about that? It's just so bland to me. 

Every morning when I wake up, I would abhor to death the thoughts of how I would have to do the same things over and over again - it makes me puke, just thinking how I would have to drink the same cup of Chillz flavored coffee just to keep me awake, how I would have to deal with the stress of driving along Katipunan Avenue or Espana, and how I would have to fake smiles to my colleagues and students. 

There are some days I would intend to change my routine. I would go somewhere else - anywhere that is not part of my daily route. I would eat something else - anything just as long as it doesn't taste familiar to me. But after those attempts, I would still go back to my routine. And again, feel, lifeless. 

Oh, crap. What is this?