Pia Wurtzbach in each one of us

Miss Universe 2015, Pia Wurtzbach posted this on Instagram -

It started making sense to her. Maybe she meant all her struggles, her three tries to get to where she is now.

I feel so much for people like her - for people who struggled a lot and finally saw the reasons for everything. I look up to them. I want to find out how they did it. I know the answers must be - "Never give up, never give up your dreams, just keep believing, etc."

What else did they do? Aside from mentally psyching themselves? I'm asking these questions because none of the things that happened to me make sense, still. I still am finding out why those had to happen. Why? I wanna know and feel that all the struggles to choose what is right are all worth it. And for now, I see no reason why those pains are worth it.

I was once like her -

Pia Wurtzbach was once remembered by her statement in Star Magic Philippines (an agency for actors and actresses in ABS-CBN) that she will be one day Miss Universe. She also tweeted one time after Gilas Pilipinas lost in a game that "...babawi tayo sa Miss Universe.''

I remember before saying to my family that when people see me, "Uy, si (my name) yun" (in a delighted and amazed tone, of course). I said that when we were in the car and we saw on the sidewalk near ABS-CBN a news anchor walking. I knew how to psyche myself.

I also did dream of becoming the first lady governor or the first lady mayor of my town. Yes, I wanted to be a politician. I don't know what happened. My trials made me lose confidence in myself. I stopped trying. I stopped believing in myself. Eventually, what I thought and how I perceived myself probably reflected so much in my actions that people around me would also look down on me. I accepted those moments when they would treat me like I'm worthless. I didn't care. I got hurt, of course. But I just accepted that I'm really worthless anyway. For a looooong time, I lived with that. I think, I still live with that. But slowly, I'm trying to change what I think and how I perceive myself. I want to bring back my confidence and faith in myself. If I had those before, I want to even level it up.

Never giving up - 

Her win would probably mean so many different things for different people. But for me, she is one proof that determination to continue struggling, trying, and believing in one's dream can lead to its realization.

The realization of one's dream cannot be achieved without ardent prayers and surrounding with people who believe in you. So I guess, no, I believe, that with one's determination, faith, and being with the right people can lead to one's success.

Thanks to this Miss Universe 2015. It was not only a venue to showcase a woman's inner beauty. It also ignited so many dying spirits in women.

On where we probably got the habit of comparing ourselves

I think we all had that moment in our childhood when the elders would say, "Gawin mo yan, tingnan mo si (your cousin's/sibling's/anyone's name here) kaya gawin, ikaw hindi? or "Ay do this, would you like to be like (your cousin's/sibling's/anyone's name here) na hindi nya alam/gawin? Diba ayaw, kaya gawin mo na." All these things have made us somehow look to others to compare ourselves, if we're good enough or if we're simply enough. I don't think it did us good. So now that we're older, we get that habit of doing something because we just gotta be better than others or we just gotta beat the rest. And this has only become worse because of Facebook and other social media platforms.

There's nothing bad about wanting to be the best. But to the point of thinking that we are far superior than others? I don't think that is good.

Sometimes, we can't blame our elders because the unthinking, narrow-minded sector of the society would treat people depending on how "the best" you are. "The best" in this context refers to those people who supposedly studied longer - doctors, priests, lawyers, etc. The longer your name is with all those titles, the better because that means the more that you will be respected. Never mind if you don't pay your taxes as a doctor. Never mind if you sexually abuse your followers. Never mind if you can be bribed. Just as long as you have the title, you should be respected. Respect is earned not because of what you do as a human being or how you good you treat others, but because of what comes with your name.

And this is the sad, very sad reality that we live in. This very sad reality is the reality that our parents want to spare us from. So what happens? They push us to our limits, to be the best ... even to the point that comparing ourselves with others is their way to motivate us.

Running for life

How have I been? Self-check is very important - not just for the Depressed but to any one. Why? Self-check allows you to think about your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional state. It does not only require thinking, but also feeling.

With regard to my state of happiness, I am happy that I've been working so hard to keep myself sanely happy by doing yoga and running. These replaced my pills. And I'm glad I try so hard to commit myself to these two physical activities that I try to make sure that I build my daily schedule around it. Even more so that I really have to shed off the pounds I gained from taking the anti-depressant pills that could also have contributed to my weight gain. 

In fact, yesterday I did a 10-K run at the 39th Milo Marathon! I was and still extremely happy that I finished it. I thought that I wouldn't be able to. At 2K, I was already feeling like wanting to give up. I was looking around me and trying to find a place where I could just hide and tell my boyfriend (who also ran and went ahead of me) to pick me up there after the run. The feeling was made even worse when I realized that the marathon marshals on their bikes were behind me which meant that I was the last person!

But I went on. I continued. I do not remember anymore what was going on inside my mind that made me continue. I guess the run-walk interval helped. The run-walk didn't put too much pressure on me - just the right pressure to make me finish. Also, I kept on convincing myself that I want to be known as the "finisher" - that one person who finishes something that I start - be it on running or any project  or academic-related work. I was looking for many reasons to continue running - aside from my thoughts, I saw the reasons to run in the old - that lolo and lola who were way older than me but were running! Also, I tried to pace my running with this couple whose speed were probably just the same as mine. Running with these two made running feel less lonely. 

I realized that running is very similar to life - sometimes, you just feel like wanting to give up because you're already feeling weak and you're way behind others anyway. But, because you choose to go on, you do everything to find all the reasons to continue. Until you reach that point where you can somehow easily continue no matter how hard it is or how weak you already feel. And when you reach the finish line - you realize, wow... you can really do it! With positive thinking and choosing to stay strong, everything is possible! 

Adjustment

September 30, 2015 marked that day when Doctor told me he's liberating me from my meds. Of course, I looked forward to that day when I could be happy naturally - you know without the help of any medication. Freeing me from medicines after three years is a huge victory on my part! I know that even if with medication and I still wouldn't help myself, I wouldn't be a-okay. But I did help myself. My family did help me - not in the way though that I hoped :) Their help, I would call falls under tough love. All that knows me well - friends from work, friends since birth, my boyfriend, helped me in one way or another.

But what Doctor probably forgot to tell me was that my body and its entire system would also adjust without the help of Fluoxetine. For the first two weeks without any medication, I found myself, crying so hard, getting too emotional, and just really having a difficult time controlling my emotion called sadness. Victims of this adjustment included my mother and my boyfriend. Details not important in the discussion. The point is that I had a terrible terrible terrible time adjusting. Since then, I resolved to help myself even harder. How?

by exercising

I would need to exercise more often! So, to help myself motivate to exercise, I signed up for a 10K run! Committing myself to that 10K run would serve as my motivation to train regularly. 

And yes, I finished the 10K run! It's another victory! It was not fast but I finished it. I did not give up and that is what mattered and still matters.

by helping others

Another thing that has been helping me is being more conscious of going beyond myself - this means that I would need to see and think logically that the world is not about me and my bouts of depression. I started to give regularly to the Church through the seminary where my brother is a spiritual director. Aside from that, I helped the seminary by asking my colleagues to donate their books for the seminary because a lot of their things were damaged because of the Typhoon Lando that hit my hometown.

These two things: exercising and helping others were very helpful as I continue to live without any medication.

Other ways to help me be happier and more positive would include:

keeping myself away from people who are so negative
sleeping for 6-7 hours a day
praying wholeheartedly (through meditation)

Those three, I need to work on since lately I have been surrounded with people who are too negative and so stressful to be with, I have been sleeping irregularly, and have not been praying religiously.

Waiting for me to happen

It's been four months since I last blogged! Just what happened?

The entire month of June, I was out of the country. I savored every day of the 30 days of June with my parents who I really did not grow up with. So you could imagine the clashes and all the adjustments that had to happen.

July was all about adjustment. I was longing for the places and the lifestyle I enjoyed while I was out of the country. Also, I was blessed to be accepted in a part-time job in one big university. Though the location is not entirely pleasing to my sense of smell and sight, it is accessible from my place.

In August, classes started in the university where I really "belong." Of course, there's not much adjustment in terms of preparation but the fact that I'm working for two institutions that are a bit far from each other (although very convenient to travel because of the LRT)  makes the adjustment for my body and mind more challenging. But I'm hanging on.

September was when meetings for my business venture started. This business venture makes me so excited. But it is also very demanding in terms of time. I'm blessed that God sent me people who seem dedicated enough to work with me until every thing materializes. This business is not for me, it's His. That's why I named it after Him. All these business meetings happened while of course, attending to the demands of work.

I started feeling weary when October arrived. Well, actually, that feeling started in September. I think it just got worse in October. So I decided to spend more time on exercising which would bring out all the endorphins - hormones that make us happy. I signed up for a 10k run on November 8. I have yet to sign up for a 5K run on October 25. All these runs I do because I would like to keep myself sane. By the way, last September 30, my really awesome psychiatrist just put me off from taking Fluoxetine! I've been taking Fluoxetine since 2012 and to be cleared from taking any medication for depression is really a milestone!

Today is October 6. More days to go before October ends. But now, I'm already pushing myself hard to do what I find difficult to do - finding meaning in all that I do.

That bee

It's amazing how even a bee helped my thoughts steer away from feelings of self-pity. 

I woke up one morning with my mind fresh from the happy celebratory mood that the news of my brother's appointment as judge brought. But with that joy, was also a feeling of questioning - "What have I done to bring pride and honor to my family?" (You see all my siblings are respected in their own fields!) Of course, being uncertain about many things and not knowing what my life is for, I started feeling anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was conscious that I was starting to think of negative thoughts so I went to my mother's garden to water her plants and of course, to help me think of only good things. 

As I was watering the plants, the negative thoughts were still lingering in my head. I felt really terrible about myself that tears were prepping to fall. But before my tears could even fall, a buzzing sound was surrounding my left ear! A bee briefly buzzed near my left ear that I didn't get to cry! I laughed after that buzz. I thought how even a bee would help me divert my thoughts into something positive. 

On perfection and certainty

Nothing can be perfect in this world. We will always find fault in every little thing - how impolite some people can be, how poor the government is in providing basic needs for all, how hot the sun is, how there is too much rain... 

And yet we still strive for perfection. As we strive for perfection, we want the result to be certain - that it can be perfect. Whatever "it" is. 

But there is nothing certain in life, as well. Only death is.  

So what now? 

Wanting perfection and certainty in life, I think, can cause the downfall of a person... More so of a person diagnosed with depression. 

I know of people who bid farewell to this life at their own cause because they felt too frustrated with life - an imperfect and uncertain life. 

This want of perfection and certainty is one huge thing that we all (depressed or not) need to let go. 

How do we live then if we know that nothing can be perfect and certain? 

That I do not know yet. 

One small voice tells me "that's why you long to be with someone, so you can face life's imperfection and uncertainty together with the person who also experiences the same in this world ... And life becomes less harsh, less lonely, and more like life..."