illusion or reality

It can get scary for me as well, sometimes.

Only lately, there have been several naps and deep night sleeps when I would, in my half conscious self, hear and see things happen ... that upon waking up, I knew for sure that it did happen while I was sleeping.

During the first time it did happen, I told my friend that the umbrella that we thought he lost, was actually not lost, and that I found it in one of my many bags. When I looked for the umbrella in my bag, it wasn't there. I thought for awhile what could have had happened. Then I realized, it was just probably in my dream.

This incident followed with a few other incidents that before I would actually tell the people around me what happened or what I thought was happening, I would hold my tongue and think hard first if it was for real or just part of a dream.

I do not know if this is an effect of my medication or not. But I need to know why these things happen.

in and out

She was never open to talking about it. She knew she was living in a reality where her illness was a vague reality. She would keep it. She would try to hide it... her struggles, that is. Her illness, she was starting to open up to a very few open minded, non judgmental people.

She was trying to be okay. Her brother told her that she should be okay. Their parents should be living a worry-free retirement. She just could not be not okay.

But there would be days she would be okay. Then, suddenly, those days would just seem to be overshadowed by lonely, sad, dark days. She wanted to know why she would just be that... That down, in a dungeon, her arms wrapped around her curled legs, head bowed, not wanting to see any light. She wanted that. She needed that. But she was fighting it, she could not stay for long in that dungeon. She was a light for many hopeful and spirited minds. She just could not be the darkness for those who depend on her to be their light.

Everything seemed too much for her. She could not be not okay. She just had to be okay. But then, for her to be okay, she had to lose her life ... So she could live again. So she could try living again.

Scream

Sometimes I want to scream. Scream for help. Help that is trivial for others, but, a matter of life or death for me. Life that can keep my blood warm. Death that can keep me company in my cold breath. That scream.... That scream.

Sometimes I want to say I am not okay. That line that might suddenly make them deaf. That line that could permanently shun the life out of me. That line.... That line.

I am busy. You are okay. It is all in your head. We all go through that. You are okay.

Yeah. I hear them say that. I gotta say it to myself, too. I am okay. It's all in my head. Everyone goes through this. I am okay.

Why does being so alive so difficult? They take their cups of coffee and they are awake. I take my cups of coffee and I am still sleepy. They take all the stress, manage it and they can go on. I take all the stress, mismanage it and I cannot go on.

Life moves forward. I am stuck. Unmoving. Still sleeping.

For now...

As much as I want to spread only good and hopeful vibes here in this blog, I must also be true to myself and to you my readers that there are just really quite long and not so good and happy days (which explains why I haven't written for quite a time already).

Sure, I can find reasons to be thankful in every split second of my life but there are just those days that I would still force myself to be normally okay for my family's sake, my career's sake, for everybody else's sake...

So for now, that I am in a dazed frozen stage of my struggle to win this battle over D, I can only acknowledge and respect this part of the process.

Everyday in a life of the depressed

One thing about D is that you cannot pretend not to have it when you have it.

Everyday is like a war waged against D. You prepare your army. You train your weapons. You win. Oftentimes, you lose. It's not very easy to train everyday for this. It's always a conscious effort to fight and be better, as what I always say.

Being happy doesn't come so easily. You have to pull it closer to you. And when you have it, you gotta keep it close to you and embrace it while it lasts.

You can always appear cool and calm outside, but inside, there's always that struggle to show all's okay when there's that powerful force pulling you back to a state of desperation, hopelessness, and depression. It seems so easy to be in that state. It seems like you're made for that. It seems like it's home. It's that kind of home that ruins, destroys, and crashes you into pieces.

Pre- anniversary special

In less than a week, I will be celebrating the first year anniversary of the marriage of my body and this pill called Fluoxetine.

I remember the date so well. I remember how July 17, 2012 was written casually on a piece of a prescription paper that doctors use. I remember how the doctor just seemed so calm about her prescription of an anti-depressant to a woman who I had known as someone strong and happy. I remember so well how I wished she would have second or third thoughts on prescribing medicines to me. I remember so well how I wanted her to ask more questions just to make sure she is prescribing the right thing to me. I remember how I shivered and felt utter disbelief on what she told me, it's Clinical Depression.

It's almost a year. It's almost a year that I have been dependent on these pills. It's almost a year of dreaming living my life without these, to feel I can be happy without the help of any pills. It's almost a year of hoping that my family would finally have peace of mind, confident that their daughter, sister, and aunt can get on with her life "normally".

It'll be the first year anniversary. And I'm not looking forward to more years.

Thankfully busy

The last week of June provided me a vague picture of what it will be like for me for the next four months. B-u-s-y. Busy as a bee. Last time I was working, it was only 12 hours contact time with my students a week. This time around, I would have 30 hours of facing my students.

I am both thankful and humbled that I am given this much trust to help form the minds of our young Filipinos.

With this much responsibility and pressure ( "to be fun", as how most of my students put it in their expectations), I feel that I gotta have extra consciousness to take care of myself. So how do I do this? (Well, I haven't really come up with strict rules to live by) . But these are the ones I have been consciously doing:

1. Eat on time. Eat healthy. This one I'm struggling with since I got no cook and I am no cook. And given the sked I have, it doesn't allow me to cook my food.
2. Take regularly fish oil and vitamins every night. Taking these medicines has remarkably made me more energetic and stable. It is weird how I feel so positively different when I am taking these that I started thinking that I have become so dependent on them.
3. Take the other pills at the same time everyday. I do not know what's with the timing of taking meds but it's been doing me good. How? I am not very sure. But I think my body has started to imbibe a system when meds are taken, when I am awake, and when I am sleepy. And that kind of system, the body seems to like it!

These are just really simple ways I do, but I know that these are far from truly living a healthy lifestyle.