Scream

Sometimes I want to scream. Scream for help. Help that is trivial for others, but, a matter of life or death for me. Life that can keep my blood warm. Death that can keep me company in my cold breath. That scream.... That scream.

Sometimes I want to say I am not okay. That line that might suddenly make them deaf. That line that could permanently shun the life out of me. That line.... That line.

I am busy. You are okay. It is all in your head. We all go through that. You are okay.

Yeah. I hear them say that. I gotta say it to myself, too. I am okay. It's all in my head. Everyone goes through this. I am okay.

Why does being so alive so difficult? They take their cups of coffee and they are awake. I take my cups of coffee and I am still sleepy. They take all the stress, manage it and they can go on. I take all the stress, mismanage it and I cannot go on.

Life moves forward. I am stuck. Unmoving. Still sleeping.

For now...

As much as I want to spread only good and hopeful vibes here in this blog, I must also be true to myself and to you my readers that there are just really quite long and not so good and happy days (which explains why I haven't written for quite a time already).

Sure, I can find reasons to be thankful in every split second of my life but there are just those days that I would still force myself to be normally okay for my family's sake, my career's sake, for everybody else's sake...

So for now, that I am in a dazed frozen stage of my struggle to win this battle over D, I can only acknowledge and respect this part of the process.

Everyday in a life of the depressed

One thing about D is that you cannot pretend not to have it when you have it.

Everyday is like a war waged against D. You prepare your army. You train your weapons. You win. Oftentimes, you lose. It's not very easy to train everyday for this. It's always a conscious effort to fight and be better, as what I always say.

Being happy doesn't come so easily. You have to pull it closer to you. And when you have it, you gotta keep it close to you and embrace it while it lasts.

You can always appear cool and calm outside, but inside, there's always that struggle to show all's okay when there's that powerful force pulling you back to a state of desperation, hopelessness, and depression. It seems so easy to be in that state. It seems like you're made for that. It seems like it's home. It's that kind of home that ruins, destroys, and crashes you into pieces.

Pre- anniversary special

In less than a week, I will be celebrating the first year anniversary of the marriage of my body and this pill called Fluoxetine.

I remember the date so well. I remember how July 17, 2012 was written casually on a piece of a prescription paper that doctors use. I remember how the doctor just seemed so calm about her prescription of an anti-depressant to a woman who I had known as someone strong and happy. I remember so well how I wished she would have second or third thoughts on prescribing medicines to me. I remember so well how I wanted her to ask more questions just to make sure she is prescribing the right thing to me. I remember how I shivered and felt utter disbelief on what she told me, it's Clinical Depression.

It's almost a year. It's almost a year that I have been dependent on these pills. It's almost a year of dreaming living my life without these, to feel I can be happy without the help of any pills. It's almost a year of hoping that my family would finally have peace of mind, confident that their daughter, sister, and aunt can get on with her life "normally".

It'll be the first year anniversary. And I'm not looking forward to more years.

Thankfully busy

The last week of June provided me a vague picture of what it will be like for me for the next four months. B-u-s-y. Busy as a bee. Last time I was working, it was only 12 hours contact time with my students a week. This time around, I would have 30 hours of facing my students.

I am both thankful and humbled that I am given this much trust to help form the minds of our young Filipinos.

With this much responsibility and pressure ( "to be fun", as how most of my students put it in their expectations), I feel that I gotta have extra consciousness to take care of myself. So how do I do this? (Well, I haven't really come up with strict rules to live by) . But these are the ones I have been consciously doing:

1. Eat on time. Eat healthy. This one I'm struggling with since I got no cook and I am no cook. And given the sked I have, it doesn't allow me to cook my food.
2. Take regularly fish oil and vitamins every night. Taking these medicines has remarkably made me more energetic and stable. It is weird how I feel so positively different when I am taking these that I started thinking that I have become so dependent on them.
3. Take the other pills at the same time everyday. I do not know what's with the timing of taking meds but it's been doing me good. How? I am not very sure. But I think my body has started to imbibe a system when meds are taken, when I am awake, and when I am sleepy. And that kind of system, the body seems to like it!

These are just really simple ways I do, but I know that these are far from truly living a healthy lifestyle.

Just breathe.

I was rushing to my car after my 3-hour non stop thinking, facilitating, and teaching (minus the run-walks from one building to another) when I realized I hadn't been consciously breathing in and breathing out. I felt that all I was doing was taking in all the demands and needs of the situation that I was in.

As I reached my car and about to open the door, I remembered to breathe.

When I took a breath, I was still in a rush to do it! I told myself, "oh what the city life does to me!"

It was only the second week of classes but I already felt as if I had been working for months already.

As if that's not enough, the heavy traffic, really bad air pollution, reckless drivers, and hotheaded motorists would welcome me on the streets of Metro Manila. I asked myself, "Is this really life?"

I know that there's more to life than this. I know my life isn't designed to just live as if I am a robot programmed to do this, do that. I am a human being. There's something that tells me that in the midst of all these human "doings" I am called to be a human being.

My therapist was saying something when my mind flew somewhere else and felt awe that God has made people like my therapist to "waste" their time and energy just to help those who can't seem to handle their emotions.

In this day and age, many people in my country still find counseling and visits to psychiatrist as something extreme - like you must be mad or you must be too weak that you can't handle yourself.

Even in my own circle, I cannot just open up to them about these things for they seem still sensitive about this issue.

But whatever and however people and society view this reality, I am thankful and really amazed that there are people who are blessed to help those who can't help themselves, helping them become productive and reach their maximum potential.

There are foundations and websites that have also made me feel less alone. They have been generous with kind and encouraging words that remind me to continue choosing happiness and choosing life.

Check out their websites:

ngf-hope.org
Antonosmena.mapuafamily.com