Vacation with Him

Five days of silence ... easy. So I thought.

I was wrong. It's more especially difficult when everything seems a-okay.

My first two silent retreats were both three days. Those times, God knows, how much I needed to retreat.

But this time around, it wasn't at first, what would seem something I really really need. Despite that, I still had myself commit to it, even "leveled up" - from three days to five days. I thought, three days is no challenge.

So to retreat began.

The first two days, I had doubts, questions, and even serious thoughts of just leaving on the third day for I could no longer endure the silence and what seems to be "nothing" that's happening. I was, in a way, boastful thinking that I already knew what God would tell me. I thought, "What's new, my Lord? Here we go again."

I felt at that moment, nothing was gonna happen anyway. Retreat is just something I compelled myself to do because, hey, I started with it for two consecutive years and how I liked it... why not continue it? Also, I thought, this is just part of the circle of life that I go through then I do again what's supposed to be done after the retreat - that is, to live again... to struggle living again.

On the first night, I remember myself, literally going around the stone path circling the mini garden in the middle of the big garden. As I was going around it, I told the Lord, "this is my life, Lord... just going in circles. Not going anywhere." I didn't force myself to do that, it just felt so natural for me to do that on the first night when the silence had to begin.

Then I started feeling at home.

The lush greenery of the garden fresh from the evening rain welcomed me on the third day. Everything around me seemed so at peace. Birds twittering could literally be heard. The sound of the waterfalls surrounding the labyrinth was a music to my ears. I even saw a bird, taking a bath from the mini pond where the water falls.
The rabbit which I met last year, was freely moving around the garden.

That moment when I stepped out of my room, I knew I had a piece of heaven. That is home.

It was then, that moment when I felt most relaxed that He started talking to me - not in spoken words but in simple ordinary scenes that I would almost always take for granted - the fresh morning air, sound of water falls, the sight of a bird taking a bath, and the rabbit freely moving.

From that moment on, He never stopped talking to me. And I try very hard to keep listening.

And now that I am out of the Retreat House, all the more that I will have to try my best to keep listening.

5 days for my soul

The first semester for many college students has just ended, and so has my too much thinking.

Time zoomed so fast that the next thing I noticed were the Christmas decorations on display for sale.

Anyway, for this very short semestral break, I allotted myself time for a 5-day Silent Retreat.



The unnecessary stress that our everyday life is causing, everyone deserves to just get a break and retreat from all of the noise.

Silent retreats give us time to let go of everything we are used to having everyday. We let go of our phones, access to social networking sites, human interactions, and even our usual selves.

These silent moments give us more time to get in touch with ourselves and with our God. More importantly, these moments remind us what really matters in life... forgiveness, peace of mind, love, patience, and eternal happiness.

In Philippines, there are many retreat houses located in Tagaytay and Baguio. But one doesn't have to go too far if you are in living in Metro Manila. In Quezon City, I highly recommend the Cenacle Sisters Retreat Center in Varsity Hills, Quezon City.

Here's their website:

http://www.cenaclephilsing.org/

Untitled

I'm thinking there will never be a day that people can truly understand mental health issues.

Some people can simply claim they do understand it but they can never really truly grasp the depth of the roots of its problems. Why am I saying this? Maybe I just, until now, feel so alone in this battle (if it is indeed a battle). Why do I say this? I want and need someone who you can tell how it's like sometimes to feel so dazed or so numb because of, probably, the medicines. Or that someone who truly feels how it's like to feel so down. 

You know those people like in the movie "Silver linings Playbook"? The man there, Pat, was suffering from Bipolar Disorder, a mental illness. During the process of his recovery, he met Tiffany who was recovering from Depression, also a mental illness. Together they helped each other get better until they both learn to cope with their personal mental health issues. 

 So for now, what do I do? I just probably try to get better on my own. And I mean, really on my own. So help me God. My hope's still up though -  hope that that time will come when I no longer feel alone and when I feel that at last, I'm surrounded with people who truly understand. 

illusion or reality

It can get scary for me as well, sometimes.

Only lately, there have been several naps and deep night sleeps when I would, in my half conscious self, hear and see things happen ... that upon waking up, I knew for sure that it did happen while I was sleeping.

During the first time it did happen, I told my friend that the umbrella that we thought he lost, was actually not lost, and that I found it in one of my many bags. When I looked for the umbrella in my bag, it wasn't there. I thought for awhile what could have had happened. Then I realized, it was just probably in my dream.

This incident followed with a few other incidents that before I would actually tell the people around me what happened or what I thought was happening, I would hold my tongue and think hard first if it was for real or just part of a dream.

I do not know if this is an effect of my medication or not. But I need to know why these things happen.

in and out

She was never open to talking about it. She knew she was living in a reality where her illness was a vague reality. She would keep it. She would try to hide it... her struggles, that is. Her illness, she was starting to open up to a very few open minded, non judgmental people.

She was trying to be okay. Her brother told her that she should be okay. Their parents should be living a worry-free retirement. She just could not be not okay.

But there would be days she would be okay. Then, suddenly, those days would just seem to be overshadowed by lonely, sad, dark days. She wanted to know why she would just be that... That down, in a dungeon, her arms wrapped around her curled legs, head bowed, not wanting to see any light. She wanted that. She needed that. But she was fighting it, she could not stay for long in that dungeon. She was a light for many hopeful and spirited minds. She just could not be the darkness for those who depend on her to be their light.

Everything seemed too much for her. She could not be not okay. She just had to be okay. But then, for her to be okay, she had to lose her life ... So she could live again. So she could try living again.

Scream

Sometimes I want to scream. Scream for help. Help that is trivial for others, but, a matter of life or death for me. Life that can keep my blood warm. Death that can keep me company in my cold breath. That scream.... That scream.

Sometimes I want to say I am not okay. That line that might suddenly make them deaf. That line that could permanently shun the life out of me. That line.... That line.

I am busy. You are okay. It is all in your head. We all go through that. You are okay.

Yeah. I hear them say that. I gotta say it to myself, too. I am okay. It's all in my head. Everyone goes through this. I am okay.

Why does being so alive so difficult? They take their cups of coffee and they are awake. I take my cups of coffee and I am still sleepy. They take all the stress, manage it and they can go on. I take all the stress, mismanage it and I cannot go on.

Life moves forward. I am stuck. Unmoving. Still sleeping.

For now...

As much as I want to spread only good and hopeful vibes here in this blog, I must also be true to myself and to you my readers that there are just really quite long and not so good and happy days (which explains why I haven't written for quite a time already).

Sure, I can find reasons to be thankful in every split second of my life but there are just those days that I would still force myself to be normally okay for my family's sake, my career's sake, for everybody else's sake...

So for now, that I am in a dazed frozen stage of my struggle to win this battle over D, I can only acknowledge and respect this part of the process.