One true thing that happened to me in 2013 - 2015 was this blog!

Just a few years ago,  I started deleting the blog entries here hoping that I would be able to delete all blog entries and pretend that Depression did not happen to me. 

But for some reason, maybe deleting got too difficult that I kept on delaying it until I totally forgot about deleting all entries. 

Good thing, actually! Because now, when I learned about my then boyfriend's (and now husband) infidelity from 2013 to 2015, I started to question everything that happened between the two of us, if there was even the two of us. I started looking over Google photos of 2013 to 2015, what did we have? What were we like? What was I doing? Where was I? Where was he? What were we busy doing? As I looked at our photos, I saw how little good and fun memories we had. It started making sense. He was actually busy cheating on me, betraying my trust.

As I looked at the photos to see what were actually untrue, I started deleting the photos of him and me together. I so love deleting.

Now, I am still looking for what was true that happened to me. You see, I spent the past eight years of my life with him, and majority of which I learned was actually full of lies. Anyway, I started looking for what was true... and I remembered this blog! 

I am sooo happy that I forgot to delete this blog site. It's only now that I realize that this is the only true thing that happened to me in those years. But, there's one year missing, 2012. That's the year that I was able to delete. 

A very interesting article

Just thought of sharing this -

East meets west 

:)

Fight Depression [beware: tips here are nothing new :) ]

The past few months were difficult on my part that has made writing on this blog almost impossible. But I thank God that I was still able to share some ways to fight depression. On to more suggestions...

1. Know yourself. Accept. Move on. Focus on moving forward.

A lot of those who suffer from D may have been rooted from family issues that are unsettled. While there are very few who get to settle their issues in their family in an amicable way or through the presence of trained therapists, most do not get to settle their pains and heartaches that started in their families. Unsettled issues that have not been made aware through self-reflection or talk therapies may lead to more damages such as difficulty in relating with other people, family and marriage breakup, drug addiction, and a whole lot more. Being aware is the first step. Accepting and addressing this issue is the second step. Moving on despite inability or impossibility to settle issues is another step. Is there a last step? Maybe just keeping on your focus to move forward is the last step.

2. Forgive.

Whoever may have caused your pain or trauma, forgive. Forgive him/her and forgive yourself for letting pain control your life. When pain or anger controls your life, moving forward is very difficult to do. Forgiveness is a choice done even when it is still painful to forgive. It's chosen even when it is painful. When you forgive, you are setting yourself free from the pain and anger and allowing peace and happiness to reign over your life. 

3. Find out what works for you.

Although you may find some suggestions here helpful, there are still so many hundred ways that will work for you but will not work for me. So, always, go back to knowing yourself and find out which would be the best ingredients for you to fight depression.

Only happy vibes allowed

This picture may seem just an ordinary dinner with friends. Yes it was a dinner but it was no ordinary.

Beside me was my cousin who is 8 years younger than me. In front of us are his friends since grade school.

The dinner happened because my cousin invited me to just eat over our delayed (or not happening?) plan of putting up our own school. When I told him I'm sorry that our dream school does not seem to go as planned, I was feeling terrible and so frustrated at myself. He replied that it will happen in God's time and that we should just have dinner. I thought that the invite for dinner was only an empty offer. But it was an offer that actually happened, a sincere one.

So the dinner happened. These friends of his were also there when we were planning our school. And so to have them during that dinner made me feel good because there was no judgement on their part. Only happy vibes and stories of their adventures.

Looking forward to be with positive people!

Coping with...

Dealing with an illness and working to pay the cost of being ill can be taxing. Really taxing. How ideal it would be to just rest and wait until completely cured and not having to work to be completely well. But reality is, you gotta work and pay the bills for your medicines and doctors' professional fees.

So how can one deal with an illness while still working?

1. Listen to your body. Those little and seemingly not so painful but really and actually painful throbs may mean nothing but it can actually be really something. So listen to your body when there's a throb or unusual feeling that you get. You're lucky if the symptoms are physical. You can detect easily.

2. Embrace the changes. Side effects of the medicines may be too much to bear but remember it's for your benefit. But if it's too much that your work and daily performance is affected already, tell your doctor.

3. Seek help. Sometimes you want to bear the difficult process of becoming well alone. And you can manage anyway. Other times, you feel alone and like you cannot tolerate the emotional, mental and physical pain that comes with the treatment. Acknowledge that time and seek help.

I hope these tips help.

Another Battle

Battle against Depression should have been over last year when my doctor told me I can stop taking my happy pills.

But another battle has started. This time it's my battle against PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome.

One of the symptoms of this PCOS is depression. Ha! That damn D has come back (or maybe it never actually left!) through another form - in the form of PCOS.

You ask me now how I am. I do not know anymore! I've stopped asking why I have this. I am in this state where I am in complete surrender. I am no longer questioning God. I am only struggling now to accept His plans for me and obey him unconditionally.

Instant Happiness

Don't most people prefer what is instant? Instant noodles. Instant coffee. Instant soup. Oh the list goes on and on. These things instant don't make us think anymore. We just grab it and use it. Our needs at that moment are instantly satisfied.

Lately, three things or events or choices made me instantly happy.

1. Going out with friends/Catching up
I know too well that depression makes one act like a hermit. This kind of living just makes the process of healing more difficult. And no matter how difficult it is to face friends and family, no matter how awful you feel inside, no matter how negative you are, you just gotta push yourself up and meet people. But you choose those people who make you feel safe and comfortable. Hanging out with people who only see what is ugly about the world will not at all help you.

2. Reading the bible
I would read the daily readings. Surprisingly, when I took it more seriously (meaning taking time to really reflect on it), I realized that human sufferings of today are no different from the suffering of the past. The only different is the time. But everything else is the same. From the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and desperation to feelings of being saved, forgiven, and loved are all the same. Whatever you are going through now, it is there in the bible. The solutions for your problems are also in the bible. It's very comforting to know that you are not the first one to actually experience the difficulty and  most importantly, it's relieving to know that the solutions you are looking for are just a bible away. So go and grab that bible.

I even made an Instagram account for all the bible verses that really struck me. Posting them and rereading them are really great reminders for me to hold on and just keep the faith. Please click the link below.

A bible verse a day takes the sadness away

3. Taking time to hang out with family
Just this weekend, I was able to spend time with my family - my parents, siblings, nephew, aunts, uncles, and few cousins. We spent time chatting and eating out. In the course of our socialization, the conversation turned to talk about something more serious; one that makes the sharer more vulnerable. This kind of conversation is something new since our clan is known to be stoic. Our conversation became a discovery of issues that are actually common among other families. Since we found out how this same issue of one family is shared by other families, we felt somehow relieved knowing that we are not alone and we actually have the same issues. Acknowledging how these issues destroy different families in one clan is one way to break the pattern so we do not repeat it in the next generation. From this discovery, we shared how one copes with the difficulty. At that moment, my history of clinical depression made more sense. Suddenly, this "burden" became somebody else's instrument to be saved.

If you notice, these things do not take too much financial spending. All these require are time and effort - then you will be instantly happy.